Monsters? They look like monsters to you?

I keep agonizing about this, how to go about trying to make this post, it’s dangerous for me to say too much in my situation and risk being recognized but also not saying enough risks me just looking like a scammer… So, I’ll give a bit more detailed information more than what’s already on my page, but I am genuinely scared to say much more.

Since the election, just trying to buy groceries I’ve been assaulted three times, around a month or so back a neighbor threw a can at my head when I took out the garbage. Said neighbor’s wife has been trying to get the landlord to kick me out for being a “predator” for daring to be a good neighbor and warn her and her child that the balcony was unsafe (it was winter and it was. Slippery, full of giant icicles, etc). I already had agoraphobia, it’s now much worse to say the least.

I have been trying to get away from my abusive father, the last he saw me he tried to kill me, or I should say the last we were within three feet of each other he did as he’s still not done or gone. He keeps doing drive by’s just as a little ‘you aren’t safe’ reminder seemingly. He cyberstalks as well (see why I am trying to be so careful?), plus there are so called family I know would go right to him if they recognized me here. I know that when/if there’s a snitch line or active hunting of gender diverse people were to start my family would all give me up. All. Of. Them.

My state is now allowing for doctors to, unless it’s a life or death situation such as a patient is bleeding out, totally refuse treating a patient whose existence or “life style” goes against their religious beliefs. Intersex and trans people are no longer in the state’s CRA, too, and I’ve already been having to contend with the results of that. Medication I need to live, GAC isn’t just GAC for me, I need my medication not just for affirmation but for my health with my intersex variation(s). I nearly wound up in the ER from complications of not being given my medication once already.

I also almost had to request a hearing with DHS to prove my medication “actually does anything” for me using research articles. My own health records are no longer enough. They’re fighting me tooth and nail on every medication I need, for all of my health issues, in this way. Every exam or treatment I need. Everything. This is barely scratching the surface. I haven’t even touched yet on the ableism, saneism, classism or racism aspects of my situation and oh boy is there a LOT of it. That I quite literally cannot work, not traditionally or regularly anyway, I try to do voice work and art commissions when able. Part trauma part disability being the why in simple terms, and my state is eyeballing Medicaid SSI/SSDI work requirements. I have already said too much, there’s more on my k•-fi, just… Please help me if you can, share in safe circles whether you can or cannot. I need to get out of here, to a blue state so I can at least fucking breathe a little, I just need to not constantly feel like death is knocking on my door. And then, start saving to leave the country. I wish I didn’t have to leave the country, this is my home, my grandmothers and ancestors. It’s my home. Indigenously, my home, but I have no other way.

I have nothing left, I can’t stay and fight or save myself, I can’t do anything for myself or others even if I stay no matter how badly I want/need to. I can’t. So I'm trying anything I can. Would be nice if prissy, privileged white folk crying oh poor me who absolutely can fight would put their foot down and do so for all of us instead of flee the country then take the ladder away behind them but of course not. “We are saving ourselves and readying our life preservers so we can help you,” liars. You already were safe. Hiding behind minorities as shields, you have had life preservers ready and more to spare. You give them only to those you deem worthy who also had their own. And more to spare.

Then you ignore the people drowning who needed it most, white cisqueers ignoring cisqueers of color, both groups ignoring gender diverse people but most especially gender diverse people of color. Most especially especially intersex and two spirit people. And you convince yourselves we just weren’t trying or you had no choice to feel better about leaving. And leaving the most vulnerable behind. Leaving lambs to slaughter… I’m tired of being nice about that. You’re selfish and cruel.

Anywho. I have tried multiple relocation charities and groups, for gender diverse people and not, for DV and not but I’m SOL. I can’t “make myself worth the risk of saving” (yes an actual quote I was told) so not even they will help me. I’m sorry, and thank you.

Editing to add and update, now with the American government officially labeling trans rights groups as terrorists, my need to get out has shot up ten fold.

Yes, they've been hinting at this for a year or so now, but now it's done and the end of the document is literally saying they're going to find us all and kill us... And, on a more personal level for an update more specific to my situation, my doctors are trying to find ways to take away my medication still. I have about another two months supply of most of it, but they've oh so kindly let me know that I will have to speak to my state's DHS to get any more of it because they still don't think I need it... I nearly wound up in the ER without it, and they're trying to say I still cannot "prove" I need it. They are trying to kill me. I do not care anymore how paranoid I sound.

Another update.

And sincere apologies to my mutuals whom I know are sick of me reblogging this, but I'm desperate and scared, reposting has sort of become my panic button. I have another update, too.

Long time friends from off-site know that I have been trying since the election to get relocation orgs for gender diverse people to help me, along with DV orgs before then but especially after that, I used to keep count but don't anymore. They all either didn't answer or hit the breaks when they realized how much help I need. "Too much help." I tried one more time to contact one, one I hadn't seen before, a few weeks ago. Well, I did finally hear back. Denied, and a referral to one of the orgs that never responded to me, I recognize my situation sounds like a bad Mary Sue backstory so I assume because they think I am lying. I can't say I blame them but it's also painful and terrifying.

I can't get out of here on my own. As badly as I want and need to flee, I simply cannot do it by myself. I can't. I need help, financial aid for the move itself, but also money to figure out all of my health needs with a move and when I settle wherever. Money to be able to hire movers and at this point possibly someone to just make sure I'm safe given not just my father but anyone who has been emboldened enough by the administration to do something to me.

I already have trouble leaving my home just to take out the trash or go to doctor's appointments. Pure and genuine fear of more medical neglect/malpractice enacted on me or someone seeing me on the street and deciding to hate crime me. Be it for being visually queer or not being white. Anything or nothing.

So, I know a move will be hard but what's the alternative? I have had people try to tell me to work on my mental and physical health first but how can I when ^^^ everything I’ve said I just need out of here. You can't heal in a place making you sick. Right?

I know we're all struggling on this site, I know, everyone is broke but I still have to try. I'm not going to try any more orgs, get my hopes up. I can't take it and I mean that. I can't take it, physically or mentally, I can't. It’s clear none want to help even if able. I cannot “make myself worth the risk of saving”… That quote is never going to leave my mind.

But I have no choice but to keep fighting or I'll give up entirely, I have no community but online. This is my attempting to find community and get help through community. And yes, I have tried to find community offline before someone get's preachy on that. It went about as well as you can expect given this post, my situation and where I live. So, please if you can help me, help me. Spread this if you can't, repost, copy my link up there and share it offline/other sites you know are safe. Know can be trusted.

Adding on yet again…

With my state stripping essentially stripping all protections, which some don’t even care about if they know it happened at all, and insist my state isn’t all that bad even with ^^^ everything here. It was literally called the “Civil Rights Removal Act” but I'm overreacting right?

Anywho. That act has been used to greenlight bigotry and harm being used in places like Texas, Kansas and Florida or others without needing an official new law and I don’t think people get that that’s the point. They did that on purpose to make it more invisible especially for when they dial up to eleven. It’s not at eleven yet I acknowledge, but for me with all I have going on compounding it it sure feels like it. It might as well be. The state might still be at eight or nine over all but we are all different. And if you aren’t gender diverse, maybe it feels like a five but it’s not for us. Definitely not for me. I don’t say that to guilt trip, either, just further explain and put it into perspective for outside looking in.

The only people who ever tried to stop the abuse growing up, were on my side, are all gone. The only ones who even just for a moment looked at my parents and called them out for everything, the CIMI and the downplaying of my trauma, the refusal to get me the accommodations and treatments for my disability I needed that they could clearly afford but instead put the money towards more abuse or favoring of my brother. The putting my other abuser(s) before me, one being my brother, everything. They're all gone and they're never coming back. And sometimes I get so angry because they left me alone in this even though I know it's obviously not their fault.

Sometimes I wake up and for anywhere from thirty seconds to twenty minutes I don't remember they're not there anymore and it's like another mini-loss. I can't go see them, I can't write or call them, they won't come to see me. I can't even bring myself to go to my grandmother's grave again, the last time I did did... Not go well, I couldn't handle it, I don't even dare try going to my step father's for that reason but since I have no photos of him I have to look at his obituary if I want to see his face which isn't much better. My best friend doesn't even have a grave.

I have a little shelf behind my bed with a bunch of things I have from them, though, they have to be close to me. They have to. Sometimes I grab something from the box, just hold it to my chest and cry, talk to them about everything going wrong like somehow the objects will carry them to wherever they are now. If the universe is at all fair, when I die I'll be with them, wherever they are. A small pocket of space, a room constructed of stardust up in the sky. Or maybe the stars are where they wait, maybe stars are little homes for deceased loved ones, and when a star dies that's how we all get transported to wherever is next.