The posts combined my love of writing with my wildest emotions. The result? Well that's hard to sum up with a single word. Some adjectives include promiscuous, paranoid, cynical, resentful, blissful, euphoric, dark. I expressed the highs and lows of my emotional reality using raw sensory details. I started choosing words that would elicit strong reactions, and over time I became more empowered to "talk dirty" or explore topics that made my gut wrench.

Words can be used as weapons as well as bridges. I used words to shine a light on the paradox in my heart: loving people just as much as I fear them.

I'm ceasing this blog for many reasons.

One: its personality has gotten unwieldy. I feel it has a set precedence / persona that's hard to deviate from. At creation, I imagined a celestial being that collects sentiments from around the universe and consolidates into a single channel. There were many posts where I imagined being in someone else's headspace after hearing about their misfortunes or victories and letting the words flow. The presentation was very much me, but the subject matters and attitudes were usually not me.

That brings me to reason two: I didn't feel like myself. I felt like everyone but myself. I feel like I was me every day in real life and I was kind of tired of being in my own head so much. I'm in a spot in my life where I'm more confident and I love myself a lot more, which was not the basis of this blog.

Three: my group of readers seems to have fallen to maybe 3 or 4 frequent readers. This reason makes me feel vain (and admittedly I am vain). I used to be excited at all the notes and direct messages with my frequent contacts. I felt like I was a part of a community of writers. Now I feel like I write for a couple of people.

In no particular order, I'd like to give a warm shoutout to:

drmorbius12

leafsea

theoceandaughter

just-4-thought

unlabelex

fifty-shades-of-apathy

september-stardust

thedreadgorgon

foreveratlas

madelinescatharsis

a-silent-lover

All of you have touched my life in some positive way, be it through your works or in DMs. I hope you continue writing and bless the world with your existence.

Some parting words before I go.

There comes a point when you're looking back when you think you're looking forward. I believe this happens when you resist change yet want to be different.

You are destined to lose. You are destined to win. You might get the things you want, and you might not. Always remember that wanting is an integral part of the human design. Even when you have enough, you will want one more thing. And when you feel like you have nothing, you will lose one more thing.

Now. Find contentment and peace with the Now. Your future is always laying itself out. Your past is already decided. The only time you can realistically live in, is Now. Treat Now like the time you'll only ever see in the rearview mirror.

I kissed the ocean surface. The tension took my lips in. The splish got me wet. The splosh made me thirsty.

"I'm thirsty," I confessed to the ocean god. "Hold my head under until I'm not breathing."

When my ears crossed the threshold, all I could hear was my heartbeat and the muffled song of deep sea exploration. Swimming left and then right, dipping down until I can taste the ocean floor, leave my initials in the sand, watch as they blur into nothing with the sweeping tides.

The water was alkaline. I know I made a face because it felt so tight.

But I took in more and it was alright and I was probing for more, and more, and I wanted to sink in more, supine on the floor while the surface started to ripple, you know?

And I was content wading in the midst of a grand crescendo. The waves crashed. I tumbled through the currents not knowing which way was up.

* * *

Tell me about that time you stole my bar soap and thought I wouldn't find out. Did you feel guilty? Probably not. It was just a bar of soap.

•

join me for a swim

•

in the cold river

with decaying limbs

dusty muskets

with their musty muzzles

lining the bank

past the burning bushes

•

night falls and demons sleep

above the canopy

seeing what God sees

suckers snared deep

•

in      Soul Ravine

with their eyes to the sky

too mesmerized by color bands

expecting rain

Remind me again: who am I supposed to call when I see that creepy man standing in my lawn? Because I called the police once.

•

A cruiser pulled up. The man didn't move. The police approached my door, walking right past the man like he didn't exist.

•

I met them at the door. As the officer opened his mouth, I pointed over his shoulder to where the man stood. The officer looked at where I was pointing to.

•

"Is that the direction he went off in?"

•

When I looked again the man wasn't there.

•

•

I can't stay in love with you, and love so intensely that I break my own rib cage hugging you

•

I can't remember the last time I stopped thinking about you. There's always some image of you in my mind's eye, which on occasion presents your nose in such lucid quality that I believe we're about to nuzzle our noses

•

And eventually one of us pushes our mouth forwards. And our lips collide. And my throat burns as my stomach churns. You taste great, like you pay attention to the ingredients when you buy chapstick

•

I love you. I think

•

You love you. Sometimes

•

Sometimes, I think we kiss and hold hands and cuddle to keep up the illusion - that our life is solved, as long as the sugar's sweet and we can tolerate the smell of each other's shit

•

Sometimes ... most times ... I get tired of solving riddles and I relapse

•

Hugging

•

Kissing

•

Licking

•

Fucking

•

Having the most fabulous fucking time in my life because of one thing

•

Y o u

•

Then, I start to believe you're all I need. And I'm all you need. The sweet escape

•

But is it an escape if the sickness never dies out

i don't blame you

same way i don't blame

an SUV

once while i was walking

i found this pit

a shallow puddle

crimson

face imprinted

on the tension

÷

i aint know who it

was

making faces at me

but i put one

leg over the edge

and slid my way

down until i

was

knee deep

÷

amazed at first

at how quiet it was

÷

the blood reached my throat

(i never learned

how to swim)

then dread filled

the pit

of my stomach

÷

scratching

grasping

÷

leave

leave

÷

while the air still permits

clean breathing

÷

go back to simply

observing

this strange pit

÷

at the edge

looking down

as air whistles

skeleton of dead leaves

you're silly

you know that?

_

_

_

_

declaring your fate

fact

verified by constellations

_

_

_

you must be unaware

celestial dust

accumulating

_

_

as oxygen travels

throughout

_

cortex

_

creating storms

_

_

that make lizard brain

see what lizard brain

do

_

_

_

with a slithery tongue

tasting dangerous moments

few

_

_

_

_

you're one

of the gods

you know that?

_

_

_

_

_

i saw your sheer power

when i looked into

the nothingness

made a wish

÷

saw the dream

come true

÷

never learned your

moments like

these

i'd take you home

let you ctrl z me

lights on

see your mouth twitch

when you finish

glowing

•

what you thinking

about?

•

sext you some next shit

call me a dirty slut

in training wearing an

unclaimed chain

with my name in it

•

on the tip of my tongue

right?

•

the safe word but

lol

i swallow it

ask you bring your

worst

pain i wallow

in its squalid conditions

trippin' off how

fast your hand

finds my face

and my zipper

•

yea, go ahead

||| | |||| |||

i'm crushed

on my bad days

||| | |||| |||

i'm a disfigured

wax figure

on my worst days

||| | |||| |||

i'm vaguely

satisfied

on my good days

||| | |||| |||

on my best days

i'm kicking myself

for having been so down

||| | |||| |||

every other day

For the first time you let me watch you rub one off with the lights on. Your pinky ring looks like a star twinkling every time you press on your favorite spot. It's hot when you bite your lip. I figured out that it distracts the body so much that it prevents you from falling off the edge. Your toes bend and crack like little poppers you throw on the ground. The tempo of your fingers go from whole notes to quarter notes. Nipples harden and show, thick chocolate held back by 100% cotton.

My curiosity grows when you detour to the sides, where there's just plain body. Broadly stroking up and down with pubic hair crunching underneath your fingers - star still twinkling. Yet the expression of your face still resembles pure ecstacy. And when you return to the center, it's like your fingers slide faster, birthing another star as you focus on the Northern Lights, gleaming and growing in mass, traveling slowly but surely. Then I hear the closing and opening of black holes, like the tap is running and the wetness is spreading.

I want to lick up the mess and show it to you on my tongue, but anything you do is far more interesting than what I would do.

You really tickle my brain when, just as you're about to take on the speed of light and hit Saturn and Neptune in a blink of an eye, you slow down. And your stomach tenses violently. Your hair covers your face one moment and then slinks back into a warm pool around your ears as you pay earnest and firm attention to every corner of the universe.