"sell that?" the villain said incredulously.
"yes! you could make so much more money from your inventions than from whatever this is" the hero said gesturing around to the people cowering in fear outside the smashed bank vault door.
"you're kidding me." said villain shaking her head.
"I sell to the army already." she replied, lowering her freeze ray to dig in her utility belt for something.
"...what? well - why not the nav-" the hero sputtered, his eyes blinked rapidly as his eyes shifted around - trying to gain purchase on something he could use as a good rebuttal. Clearly this de-escalation tactic from the Hero's Guidebook volume 3 needed to be revised. He'd need to send a sternly worded email to the authors again.
"and I sell to the navy, and the air force, and the marines, and the coast guard, and I am now the primary contract holder for the space force. And that's just around here - don't get me started on everywhere else, I'd need to break out my spreadsheets."
"sorry - I, what?" If his blond eyebrows crept up any further, they'd be on the ceiling.
"you're speechless." said the villain, finally looking up at him with a crooked grin and a twinkle in her eye as she tossed him a crumpled up piece of paper. "never thought I'd see the day."
"Triplet City Banks'...insurance policy?" the hero read aloud as he skimmed the lengthy document with such tiny font it was pretty much illegible. The hero's signature blond curl seemed to flatten as he looked back up at her, bright white teeth chewing at his bottom lip.
"Oh FantastaMan, to think I was once worried you would be too "fantasta" for me to handle. Nearly had me quaking in my boots!" The villain laughed as she pressed a button on her glove that made little robots jump out of her satchel and begin tossing money into the canvas laundry bags that were on the ground. "
"But it is I that must handle-" he said getting to his feet and striking a heroic pose - ready to monologue.
"Bullshit" the villain cut in, stepping around him to unlock some of the safety deposit boxes with her laser key. "I must say, I liked this - what we had. I come to the bank, you show up, you try to to stop me, I show off new products, you fight back, you monologue a bit, i leave with a bang, I go home turn on the tv watch the playback - and badda bing badda boom - my email is hotter than a ghost pepper with all the orders that start flowing in. Very good business model - and fun!"
"And fun?!" he says, his glow of superhero positivity dims and his blue eyes seem to lose their usual righteous sparkle.
"Oh yes." she said, as she finishes sweeping the contents of the security boxes into her own canvas bag and zipping it closed. "My nana always wanted me to be on tv, plus it's great exercise and I get to glam up - on a weekday no less!" she gestures to her outfit "I feel a bit like a drag queen, you know The Henhouse? The drag bar on 8th? They helped me put together the look, ugh I owe those girls the world!"
"Yes! Which is why I'm taking them all on a cruise next month, ugh it's a surprise though so don't say anything? okay?" her eyes plead with him for just a moment before she shakes it off. "who am I kidding you've never been to The Henhouse!" she snorts. "missing out!"
The robots chortle in the background and begin lugging all the bags out of the vault and towards the back exit. She looks around for a moment satisfied, before turning to leave as well.
"You're...you're robbing banks to send drag queens on a cruise! That's completely evil!"
The villain stops dead in her tracks and turns to face the hero again, and regards him flatly. "Didn't take you for such a staunch conservative wearing that much neon spandex in the daylight."
His eyes grow wide, but then he balls his fists and huffs, "Not that part - stealing is wrong!"
"Didn't think you were that dense FantastaMan. You read that paper didn't you? This branch insured up to $30 million, today they were running light because the trucks did the pick up yesterday. There was only probably $15mil here, and all the personal belongings are insured too. This is completely fine!" She said waving her hand dismissively.
"But these are priceless items that the people look to the Triplet City Bank to keep safe! You can't steal from hard-working citizens!"
The villain rolls her eyes. "I didn't - I only "robbed" the rotten ones, honestly that was the hardest part tracking down all that information. Don't even get me started."
"Then think of all the bad "karma" coming to you from stealing $15 million dollars!"
"Oh my gosh." The villain says, stomping over to him and holding out her phone - lit up with a news story about the mysterious benefactor who's generous donations have allowed all of the food banks and homeless shelters in Triplet City to reach their ten year funding goals practically overnight.
"I swore I'd never show anyone this, because you know - supposed to be anonymous and all but you just won't shut the hell up. The money goes to the people that need it most, the banks are completely fine, sure, some of the cities biggest dipshits loose a watch or a couple diamonds but frankly I couldn't care less about their feelings." she tucked her phone back into her utility belt and heading for the front exit as she strapped on the jetpack - nodding at bank teller who gives her a small smile.
"Wait!" calls the hero, "That's not how this works, I'm good and you're evil. Not the other way around!"
"I told you I'm an international arms dealer who's most profitable marketing tactic is robbing banks. When did you get the idea that I wasn't evil babe?" she said flashing him one last blinding smile, and a wink before opening the doors, where a swarm of police and press vehicles awaited her.
"You may have done it this time MechaMaiden, but wherever you go know I'm right behind you and I'm coming!" shouted FantastaMan as he charged after her, finally free from the spell of her complicated wordsmithing trickery.
"Funny" she said, "That's what I told your mama last night." And with that she pressed a button on her glove and blasted off - to the skies and beyond, with the rest of Triplet City right where she wanted them, gazing after her with a mixture of horror and devotion.
---MechaMaiden and FantastaMan may return---
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