Self-Appointed Mushroom King

Ilya's is a memoir called something like "This Boy Pucks" or "Big Stick Energy". It turns out to be surprisingly poignant and emotional because he's super honest about what happened to his mom, growing up in an abusive home, his own struggles with his mental health, and what it's been like being one of the first two MLH players to ever marry each other. It's funny of course, but also gut-wrenchingly beautiful.

After a while of talking about how Anya acts the trainer says there’s nothing to worry about, Anya likes Shane just fine, it’s just that she sees him as the boss and is acting accordingly

And Ilya is like. But. I’m the one who adopted her? And raised her before Shane got here?? And the trainer is just like yeah well she sees you more like an equal. And Ilya is like WAIT she thinks Shane is in charge of both of us?? And the trainer is just like well do you interact in a way that would make her think that?

Ilya’s life flashes before his eyes as he thinks of all the times Shane has come over with a snack for Ilya and a treat for Anya, or all the times Shane has announced they’re all going for an after dinner walk, or pets Ilya’s hair and tells him he did a good job at practice, or the fact that he uses the same warning tone with Anya when she misbehaves as he does with Ilya when he’s causing problems on purpose

there’s sixteen Colorado counties that their most searched was “wolf furry”, plus thirty-odd counties (not counting either Arapahoe or any of the ones marked here as “Insufficient Data”) which may well have had plenty of searches for “wolf furry”, just fewer than for whatever they’re labeled here

and “skunk furry” searches in Arapahoe County outnumbered “wolf furry” searches in the entire state of Colorado

Shane and Ilya are obviously hunkering down at the cottage together. There's no hockey, but they don't know for how long, so they're still training all the time. They're doing interviews and having to make it look like they're in completely different places. Ilya has to keep being reminded that he's supposed to still be back in Ottawa.

Ilya's teammates keep asking if they can be in a lockdown bubble together and he's gotta be like "No, can't do that. I'm not taking any chances." But now they're worried because he hasn't seen or been around another human being in months and they've noticed that even before lockdown he made more jokes about killing himself than the average person, so they're stressed to their eyeballs about his mental health.

Meanwhile Ilya's living the kind of domestic fantasy with his man that he didn't think they were going to get until retirement. For the first time ever most days he can truly pretend that he and Shane are the only people in the world. Sometimes David and Yuna come over for dinner because they are also isolating at their cottage. But most of the time it's just endless hours of just the two of them and neither of them could be happier. Their biggest decision every day is when and where to fuck. Some people are getting into sourdough – Shane and Ilya have committed to learning one new sexual position every day.

#okay but them coming out to Ilya's team because like his team is concerned and maybe Shane and Ilya go back to Ilya’s ottawa house to get a#grocery delivery that they can't get out at the cottage and the doorbell rings and Shane goes to get it and its bood and hayes standing 6#feet from the door with like a care package for ilya and they're like “ilya said he was isolating alone” and shane is there in boxers and a#raiders 81 sweater like “....um....”

Ilya appears behind him, also in boxers and Shane's Canada fleece, and he looks over to where Bood and Hayes' jaws are practically on the floor, and flashes them an apologetic smile. But internally he's also like fuck, fuck, fuck, Shane doesn't want to come out or be out yet fuck they've fucked it. So he starts like, "So however weird your lockdown stories are, it can't be as weird as ours."

And Shane puts a hand on his arm to stop him, and is like "You can tell them the truth about us, baby, it's okay."

“Haas, where are you right now?”

“The club by the hotel.”

“And he’s not in the bathroom?”

“No.”

“Not on the roof?”

“No.”

“Not trying to access any of the dancers poles?”

“What? Why would- Oh, Troy says no.”

“Is he hanging out with drunk girls in the women’s bathroom?”

“Umm, one sec. Harris, can you ask her if Ilya is in there? … Harris says no.”

“Ok. What were you talking about before he disappeared?”

“We were trying to figure out where to eat.”

“Did anyone bring up sushi?”

“He didn’t say he wanted-“

“Just answer the question.”

“Uh yeah, someone suggested it, but he said he wanted-“

“He’s at the pier.”

“What?”

“He got bored, sushi put fish on his brain, which made him think about water, and he likes going to piers, and the hotel is walking distance from a boardwalk by the water. He’s there, most likely trying to look at fish going under the dock.”

“… How do you know that?”

The Feelings About Bruce Wayne Alignment Chart

They wear suits, but they don't even know basic etiquette.