Insults and Comebacks

You're so old that when you lie about your age, you tell the truth.

Don't you think you're taking this a little too well?

If you were a girl, you'd be called a ho.

Dorothy Parker: "Pearls before swine"

On a scale of 1 to 10, you're a 747

Ever wonder what life would have been like if you had enough oxygen at birth?

Does it take twice as long to look half as good?

Up yours!

-Abraham Lincoln, target unknown. 

Rehearse these lines, so you'll be ready for any barb hurled your way--no momentum killing pause, no stumbling over your words, no thinking of the perfect comeback hours too late. This is your moment to shine, when you can truly put your skills to the test and leave others in your comeback wake. 

One of the defining characteristics of writes is the fact that they write.

Why are you even talking?

Edna Ferber: "So do you. 

For a particularly mean insult, you'll want to have an equally cutting reply. For the complete idiots, or the utterly demented, make sure your retort expresses just how unoriginal or nonsensical your attackers are. Or, when you've simply had enough, unleash an end-all line that will shut them up for good.

You're a few Bradys short of a bunch.

Shut your pie hole!

May I suggest some manscaping?