why are you lucid in the daylight?

I will shower now, okay?

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#there's something about the nonchalance when it's about them, even tho they lose it when it's about their partner...

jasper you don’t get to get away with this that easily.

I think, as a donor conceived person, that the discourse regarding the TheoandBuck of it all so far is just missing some context? People may just not know what it’s like to be donor conceived and/or adopted, have forgotten how Hen’s family is constructed, and/or be ignorant to the vast amount of ethical issues surrounding sperm- and egg-donation. That’s fine. I’ve just been seeing a lot of accusations of bio-essentialism and found family dismissal (which the show doesn’t do), and personality retconning (the behaviour is consistent with the plot’s introduction in season 6) all to give Buck a baby, and I’m not sure I agree.

I viewed a lot of Connor and Kameron’s behaviour during the dinner, in addition to their reasoning for seeking out Buck for help in season 6, as pointing to Theo being an attempt at a designer baby. Sperm- and egg-donation exists in a precarious position that can shift into eugenics rather easily: though people with genetically hereditary diseases are often barred from donating for health reasons, more and more people are pointing out that refusing donations based on mental disorders may be related to the eugenics (and thus, creation of ‘designer babies’) driving the industry, and I’m inclined to agree. Connor and Kameron largely didn’t seem to be asking for help in handling Theo (other than the “Could we speak to your mother?” comment), and instead sought out someone to blame. It didn’t come from my side of the gene pool, you better not be a criminal, he’s absolutely your kid, we’ve visited a number of professionals and none of their suggestions have helped and he might be [said ominously] Diagnosed with Something so we must ask if you are too and withheld it from us.

It’s no secret at this point that disorders like ADHD and ASD may be hereditary. It’s also no secret that it doesn’t have to be: realistically, Theo could’ve exhibited the same behaviours and symptoms if Connor had been his biological father. There’s fine line between ‘it’s okay if you’d rather your child didn’t have this’ and ‘it’s okay to pick and choose genetics to have The Best Child’: you cannot truly remove ‘a person with autism/ADHD shouldn’t donate sperm or eggs’ from eugenics, and you especially cannot disregard the optics of Connor and Kameron specifically choosing a white man to donate when Connor isn’t white.

Prospective parents should, of course, be able to make an informed decision, but as my mum put it: Buck’s behaviour, to Buck, does not include symptoms of ADHD. It’s just his behaviour. He helped them make an informed decision with the information he himself could provide, based on the questions he was asked. To go to his house and essentially blame his DNA for Theo’s behaviour (great parts of which are not solely caused by undiagnosed ADHD, because there is such thing as permissive parenting, especially if none of the four experts they consulted could come up with even slightly helpful solutions and methods) is very plainly weird. Any parent worth their salt of a donor conceived person wouldn’t blame all their child’s ‘bad’ behaviour on genetics. They’d be removing their own hand in raising the child. That, specifically, would be bio-essentialist.

The show doesn’t have a habit of using that line of thinking. Mara and Denny are not biologically related to Hen and Karen, but there’s no doubt they’re not their kids. The fandom keeps comparing Chris’ behaviour to Buck’s, Buck’s to Bobby’s, May and Harry’s to Bobby’s, and nothing is written accidentally. The show itself even has suggested Buck’s impulsive streak comes from his parents’ emotional neglect: the flashbacks of Buck Begins are steeped in the idea that he was desperate to receive their attention, and getting hurt was the only way he could.

I could go on like this. Had Bobby’s father not been an alcoholic, Bobby likely would not have drunk the whiskey after his death to connect with him. Had Ramon Diaz not had a job that had him away from home for such long stretches of time, Eddie likely wouldn’t have been so insistent on what a father’s role is in a family, and might not have joined the army after Shannon got pregnant. You’re coloured by your environment and the way you grew up, not just by your genetics. My own behaviour is most similar to that of my legal father’s: nurture, not nature.

Of course I’m not ignorant to the show’s potential implication that Buck may be better at handling Theo because they’re related—or at least, because he understands his own mind and behaviours, and as such would understand Theo’s. But then he wasn’t shown to be better at handling Theo. He was shown to be somewhat capable handling him whilst babysitting, which is different from parenting: when he can’t give Theo all of his attention, Theo almost sets his kitchen on fire.

Disliking this storyline doesn’t mean it’s inherently an amoral depiction of something, much like enjoying a storyline doesn’t mean it’s inherently a good portrayal. It ultimately exists in a grey area in a reasonably progressive show that, from time to time, proves itself as one of the more democrat-aligned shows of American procedurals. But as someone donor conceived, I simply don’t see this storyline as particularly problematic, as Buck doesn’t even want to be Theo’s parent—he’ll (perhaps only initially) be a foster parent at most, underlined by the show (and Buck himself) differentiating between ‘Buck’ and ‘next of kin’. And if anyone could encourage Buck to foster, it would be Eddie, as Eddie’s been concerned with people falling through the cracks of the safety net the entirety of season 9. That would be the found family you’re looking for: choosing to help and to love.