(transcript because I couldnât find one in the notes)
Stephen Colbert: A lot of writers say they were nerdy kids, unpopular, like outcasts, or that sort of thing; was that your experience growing up?
BJ Novak: I think thatâs exaggerated, I think a lot of people love to say, âoh I was such a nerdâ or âI was such a rebel, I sat in the back of the busâ. Most people sat in the middle of the bus. Thatâs how buses work. So, you know, people say-
Colbert: So you were sitting in the middle?
Novak: Yeah, thatâs where I sat! I mean, I did my homework and y'know, dreamed of being a bit of a rebel. I did a very nerdy version of rebellion, which I guess is sort of my way of balancing where I sat on the bus.
When I was 14, I got it in my head that I wanted a fake ID. and I committed what- the only term for it is âidentity theftâ, to get this fake ID. So this is the kind of nerd- Iâve never told this story before, this is pretty much the nerdiest way you can be like, âa bad kidâ. I went to the Newton library where I grew up, and I went through their polling records⌠buckle in.
Colbert: I think youâve already - just that sentence has violated a federal law, but go ahead.
Novak: Yeah, thereâs a handful of these, and I actually tried to google the statute of limitations on this before the show and couldnât get the WiFi.
Novak: So I looked up -this is true- I looked up someone that was 21 years old, through their polling records.
Colbert: And youâre 14.
Novak: I was 14 years old, I looked up someone who was 21 who had my same first name and initial, because I thought, âif I get drunkâ -I had never been drunk. I was like, âif I forget my name, I canât get bustedâ. So I found someone who was âBenjamin J. [something]â. So I found this guyâs name and I thought, âif I can just forge all his documents, I can go to the DMV and say I lost my license and theyâll give me a new license with his pictureâ, this is my plan. Â
So first I need to know where heâs born so I can get his birth certificate, so I call his house. I ask for him, I donât know what i would have done, I get his brother and I say âI work with Ben, weâre doing a crossword puzzle based on his life for his birthday. Can you tell me what town he was born in?â. So he told me and I took the subway there and I got his birth certificate.
Colbert: How- You went to the- You went to like the county clerk and said-
Novak: They didnât ask for ID, they just gave me his birth certificate. Then I opened up a mailbox in his name and wrote- I was 14, I didnât know what i was doing- I wrote to the IRS.
Novak: And I filled out tax forms in his name. And then I went to the DMV and said âI lost my wallet and I need to-this is all i haveâ. And i looked 14 years old, but I had these documents, so they sent me to the backroom with this woman who sized me up and said âI canât give you this, you donât even have a pictureâ, and then said with a wry smile on her face, âOpen your wallet right now.â
and like a true method actor, the only thing I had in my wallet was a library card I had signed in his name.
And she approved it, and for the rest of high school I had this actual driverâs license, with my picture on it.
[audience cheering]
Novak: Iâm glad we have some support. You have a look on your face- I donât know if that was funny or if you just broke the lawâŚ
Colbert: It was fantastic, I just hope you have a good lawyer.
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