Incorrect Life Series

Gem: Well, either that, or I wait until you’re lulled into a sense of security, maybe days, maybe months, and then when you least expect it, exact my revenge.

Cleo: A hobby.

Lizzie: ...

Joel: Put spaghetti in it.

Scott: I am taking suggestions from anyone else.

Lizzie: Put spaghetti in it.

Scott: I am taking suggestions from anyone except you two.

Martyn: Put spaghetti in it.

Impulse: I don’t have a child?

Kidnapper: Then who just asked for warm milk and made us cut the crusts off their sandwich?

Bdubs: PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!

Scar: ITS TOO BIG TO SMOTHER! GET THE ANTI-FLAMETHROWER!

Etho: It- It's called a fire extinguisher.

[sounds of glass shattering, explosions, and screaming in the distance]

Tango: Well, based on the direction of the wind, the broken sticks in the corner, and the slight disturbance in the dirt, I’d guess they went left.

Jimmy: You could really figure it out from that?

Martyn: Why?

Joel: I want to wander around and play one to annoy everyone

Martyn: Technically you don't need to know how to play it to do that

Joel:

Grian: Yeah, but we're your overgrown children, Etho, so what does that say about how you raised us?

Etho: I met you when you were all in your late twenties, Grian

Scar: Grian?

Grian: *blushes* Yes?

Mumbo: What if it bites me and it dies?

Scott: That means you’re poisonous.

Jimmy: What if it bites itself and I die?

Scott: …That’s voodoo.

Lizzie: What if it bites me and someone else dies?

Scott: That’s correlation, not causation.

Impulse: What if we bite each other and neither of us dies?

Scar: Heck.

Martyn: You’re on thin fucking ice.

Bdubs: That one day I will wake up as a donut.

Tango: You’d eat yourself, wouldn’t you?

Lifers as John Mulaney Quotes

Grian

Scar

Gem

Pearl

Joel

Lizzie

Cleo

Scott

Jimmy