Yami Mari's Lair

They think I have late stage Addison’s disease.

I have more testing I have to do.

I’m without words. This is terrifying.

I can’t even let myself grieve or relax because I don’t even have enough money to be diagnosed properly OR treated.

So please, please. If you have anything to spare.. I need it now more than ever ..

I appreciate any and ALL HELP!!!

If you’d like to immediately help me my PayPal is

https://www.paypal.me/YvesOrage

I don’t want to die because I can’t afford to get treatment. I’ve come this far.. I’m desperate. I need my community now more than ever. Please don’t let me be forgotten

if you’d like to immediately help me with medical funds/survival funds you can donate here:

https://www.paypal.me/YvesOrage

I am an ER nurse and this is the best description of this event that I have ever heard. 

 FEMALE HEART ATTACKS 

 I was aware that female heart attacks are different, but this is description is so incredibly visceral that I feel like I have an entire new understanding of what it feels like to be living the symptoms on the inside. Women rarely have the same dramatic symptoms that men have… you know, the sudden stabbing pain in the chest, the cold sweat, grabbing the chest & dropping to the floor the we see in movies. Here is the story of one woman’s experience with a heart attack: 

 "I had a heart attack at about 10:30 PM with NO prior exertion, NO prior emotional trauma that one would suspect might have brought it on. I was sitting all snugly & warm on a cold evening, with my purring cat in my lap, reading an interesting story my friend had sent me, and actually thinking, ‘A-A-h, this is the life, all cozy and warm in my soft, cushy Lazy Boy with my feet propped up. A moment later, I felt that awful sensation of indigestion, when you’ve been in a hurry and grabbed a bite of sandwich and washed it down with a dash of water, and that hurried bite seems to feel like you’ve swallowed a golf ball going down the esophagus in slow motion and it is most uncomfortable. You realize you shouldn’t have gulped it down so fast and needed to chew it more thoroughly and this time drink a glass of water to hasten its progress down to the stomach. This was my initial sensation–the only trouble was that I hadn’t taken a bite of anything since about 5:00 p.m. 

After it seemed to subside, the next sensation was like little squeezing motions that seemed to be racing up my SPINE (hind-sight, it was probably my aorta spasms), gaining speed as they continued racing up and under my sternum (breast bone, where one presses rhythmically when administering CPR). This fascinating process continued on into my throat and branched out into both jaws. ‘AHA!! NOW I stopped puzzling about what was happening – we all have read and/or heard about pain in the jaws being one of the signals of an MI happening, haven’t we? I said aloud to myself and the cat, Dear God, I think I’m having a heart attack! I lowered the foot rest dumping the cat from my lap, started to take a step and fell on the floor instead. I thought to myself, If this is a heart attack, I shouldn’t be walking into the next room where the phone is or anywhere else… but, on the other hand, if I don’t, nobody will know that I need help, and if I wait any longer I may not be able to get up in a moment. 

I pulled myself up with the arms of the chair, walked slowly into the next room and dialed the Paramedics… I told her I thought I was having a heart attack due to the pressure building under the sternum and radiating into my jaws. I didn’t feel hysterical or afraid, just stating the facts. She said she was sending the Paramedics over immediately, asked if the front door was near to me, and if so, to un-bolt the door and then lie down on the floor where they could see me when they came in. I unlocked the door and then laid down on the floor as instructed and lost consciousness, as I don’t remember the medics coming in, their examination, lifting me onto a gurney or getting me into their ambulance, or hearing the call they made to St. Jude ER on the way, but I did briefly awaken when we arrived and saw that the radiologist was already there in his surgical blues and cap, helping the medics pull my stretcher out of the ambulance. He was bending over me asking questions (probably something like ‘Have you taken any medications?’) but I couldn’t make my mind interpret what he was saying, or form an answer, and nodded off again, not waking up until the Cardiologist and partner had already threaded the teeny angiogram balloon up my femoral artery into the aorta and into my heart where they installed 2 side by side stints to hold open my right coronary artery. 

I know it sounds like all my thinking and actions at home must have taken at least 20-30 minutes before calling the paramedics, but actually it took perhaps 4-5 minutes before the call, and both the fire station and St Jude are only minutes away from my home, and my Cardiologist was already to go to the OR in his scrubs and get going on restarting my heart (which had stopped somewhere between my arrival and the procedure) and installing the stents. Why have I written all of this to you with so much detail? Because I want all of you who are so important in my life to know what I learned first hand. 

1. Be aware that something very different is happening in your body, not the usual men’s symptoms but inexplicable things happening (until my sternum and jaws got into the act). It is said that many more women than men die of their first (and last) MI because they didn’t know they were having one and commonly mistake it as indigestion, take some Maalox or other anti-heartburn preparation and go to bed, hoping they’ll feel better in the morning when they wake up… which doesn’t happen. My female friends, your symptoms might not be exactly like mine, so I advise you to call the Paramedics if ANYTHING is unpleasantly happening that you’ve not felt before. It is better to have a ‘false alarm’ visitation than to risk your life guessing what it might be! 2. Note that I said ‘Call the Paramedics.’ And if you can take an aspirin. Ladies, TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE! Do NOT try to drive yourself to the ER - you are a hazard to others on the road. Do NOT have your panicked husband who will be speeding and looking anxiously at what’s happening with you instead of the road. Do NOT call your doctor – he doesn’t know where you live and if it’s at night you won’t reach him anyway, and if it’s daytime, his assistants (or answering service) will tell you to call the Paramedics. He doesn’t carry the equipment in his car that you need to be saved! The Paramedics do, principally OXYGEN that you need ASAP. Your Dr. will be notified later. 3. Don’t assume it couldn’t be a heart attack because you have a normal cholesterol count. Research has discovered that a cholesterol elevated reading is rarely the cause of an MI (unless it’s unbelievably high and/or accompanied by high blood pressure). MIs are usually caused by long-term stress and inflammation in the body, which dumps all sorts of deadly hormones into your system to sludge things up in there. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let’s be careful and be aware. The more we know the better chance we could survive to tell the tale.“

During this whole scene, when you watch it as it is, Crowley gives you the idea that he's calm and then pissed. But when you can see your eyes, you can also see the PAIN he's in, and his utter nervousness, and I never understood Crowley's use of shades to hide his emotions better than I do now, because he'd be an open book without them.

As soon as they close up on his face, he starts side eyeing Aziraphale. Several times

He's so uncomfortable and nervous and worried about Az's reaction that even when he's facing up he still keeps glancing towards him, not daring to turn his head

And then, then, THEN, my favorite moment of the entire scene and one that took me a few rewatches to truly understand. He hands the note over to Aziraphale, and in the short span of time it takes him to read it, Crowley says:

"I wrote it down, walls have ears. Well, not walls. Trees have ears. Ducks have ears. Do ducks have ears? Must do. It's how they hear other ducks."

At first I took it as just funny old Crowley rambling again about silly stuff, but honestly, now I see so clearly the NERVOUSNESS, the need to fill every second of silence to avoid feeling uncomfortable, all while he pretends to be indifferent to the fact that Az is reading the note and trying to figure out what to say next. But as soon as Az speaks up, he completely forgets about the rant, turns his head to Aziraphale, goes "why not?" and then remembers to keep it cool and turns again to face the lake, with the worry just pouring out of him

and THEN,

When watching it casually he might seem sarcastic and bitter and angry, but look at those EYES, he looks so disappointed and pissed but mostly just... sad

Turn on the audio ❤

It was seen, but a few photos! I finished it!)

Hurrah! This sweet and crazy fool is ready !!!! > \\\\ <

Madness from her fur cloak-cocoon) You can really hide in it)))))

The basis is ready, small elements remain, but I will do them later, as I will prepare for the festival, which will be in a week!)