Letters from me ✉

Tags that are worth keeping me sane,

Words that were left unsaid,

Things that keep me up at night

and never had the courage to act on them.

I carry this guilt inside that sometimes makes my chest ache - constricts itself like its hard to breath. Sometimes when i'm talking to you, other times when i'm laying in bed at night.

My moral compass is throwing alarms at me because why are you still here talking to me when I've broken this once and it might happen again

Am I making you stay?

It feels like i'm leading you on.

Even though we've agreed that you'll stay till we meet, at least. But it still feels wrong to me.

You'll tell me i'm being silly or that it doesn't matter because I make you happy but that's just the point.

It'll be another breaking point.

The reason you came back was because you were worried about me, yes? But you shouldn't in the first place.

To be loved then ignored is so cruel,

but as some say -

sometimes you have to lose the ones you love

to be the better version of you today.

I don't have anything in particular to document down right now, but I just feel like typing something out. A memo - a note of sorts of what's been in my mind lately

(1) Kakni got into an accident on Thursday morning - it was raining heavily and I didn't carpool with her that day since I had Comet training at Tamps. I was also supposed to sleep over at Kakak's house the night before but I got sick. Things happened for a reason and of course, by the will of Allah it happened.

Although I'm glad Kakni is fine, I felt like I was partially responsible because I had been thinking of getting into an accident myself to end my life - astaghfirullah but I wasn't in a good head space.

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(2) I coughed out blood two Sundays ago - it was more than the first time. The night before I had wished I'd die from second hand smoke (I got annoyed at papa smoking in the kitchen) and the next morning I coughed out blood. I put it off, didn't really want to think much of it. I went to see a doctor on Tuesday - initially to rest and to bring up about my migraine (I needed more pills) but somehow I brought up the blood. I had a photo in my phone and somehow when the doctor said what I coughed out was more than a normal amount, all i could think of was - it happened twice that morning but I didn't mention it. The upcoming referral appointment is on 25 June but I have half a mind to not proceed with the checks. If I die, I die right?

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(3) Venting my feelings out - I was told to talk about everything, including the unpleasant that has been going on in my life and that in itself wasn't something I want to ever talk about.

But it got me analysing - the reason why I don't talk about my problems now is the risk of being seen as annoying and problematic. I hate it so much and it'll hurt if it does happen. It's inevitable to be labelled as such though, I know I am annoying and I take up space.

How do I explain to someone that I don't want to take up space?

That I know I am a waste of space.

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(4) I miss being creative - I think i've been on burn out for so long now that I don't know how to function like the old me. The one that does bullet journalling, the one that does art or the one that enjoys the process of scrapbooking. It seems like a chore now and I hate this new perspective. I want to stop mourning for the old me and rebuild a new me that loves art again.

I had another panic attack(?) anxiety attack (?) I don't know anymore. What good is a cry for help when everyone is drowning too.

My throat hurts a lot the past few days, itching and scratchy.

Yesterday, I woke up abruptly, coughing out blood into a tissue.

Part of me can't be bothered with the thought of it,

the other part of me wishes it to be a sign of a near death.

And that part of me right now wishes that I'll die of lung cancer or something so that the people around me would stop smoking/vaping -

I felt left out, but being in a group of three will always make me the third wheel and that's okay. I didn't like the feeling and that's okay too. It was just an experience and I won't be holding it against them because we're only human and I won't let this small thing dictate our friendship.

I did enjoy myself. It was the lack of rest that made me a little cranky on top of the insecurities building inside my chest.

I wasn't the kindest person either, so why should I play victim.

That my lonely heart gets swept away so easily by mere words.

Like I matter a lot.

Like I'd be your forever.

I believe in miracles - that Allah swt would move mountains if I'd asked sincerely

That i'd be at peace with the one I choose to be my forever

But I guard my heart like I'm constantly at war - and I'll never let my guard down

At the same time, sweetheart, I would definitely love to be your forever if God wills it to be.