Hopping back on my bullshit

aaaaand this is the second summer in a row that we’ve had a bug infestation and the second pair of glasses i can no longer wear because a spider got on them WHILE THEY WERE ON MY FUCKING HEAD. so now i don’t have glasses to wear at all anymore, because the ones i had to switch to last summer when this happened were my backup pair that had a slightly older prescription, but i don’t have another backup so now i don’t have glasses. i’m gonna have to switch to wearing contacts all the time, which i don’t like doing bc they’re not very comfortable but it’s either that or not be able to see anything anymore so i’m stuck. but it’s very inconvenient to not have glasses to put on even for the first few minutes before i get the contacts in, like i’m not about to put in a new pair of contacts now at 11:45pm but that means i just can’t see rn. this sucks ass and there’s nothing i can do about it pretty much. yeah i could get entirely new glasses but that’s very expensive and another bug or something will inevitably ruin those too so there’s really no point. but it really sucks to not have any glasses to wear when it’s not convenient to wear contacts, like right now.

i just realized i’ve been using the same lighter since last july 11th and it hasn’t died yet. and the only reason i know the exact date is bc i stopped at quickchek on the way home from work to get a lighter bc mine had died and a slushy bc it was july 11th but the nearest 7/11 to me that was on my way home from work closed and i didn’t want to drive like 8 minutes out of my way for a slushy but i wanted one so i went to quickchek even tho the slushy wasn’t free. and this is the lighter i bought that day and i’ve used it basically every day and it’s still goin strong. i wonder if it’ll make it a full year.

as much as i miss my friend i share a birthday with and as much as i hate that she died, i’m kinda glad she’s not here purely bc she would be HORRIFIED by the shitshow that is this awful country. happy birthday, liza. i miss you, i hope wherever you are is better than here.

just broke my 863 day clean streak from b/p and yes ik it’s also so past middle of the night that it’s early morning. i fucking hate myself.

I broke a plate last evening when I was trying to clear up after dinner and immediately started panicking, my parents tried to calm me down as best they could (sitting on the couch leaning against my mom and watching an archeology show worked eventually) but it always throws me for a loop how much I’m still affected by everything that happened in 2019 with my abusive roommates. My nervous system expected screaming and having to dodge fists/projectiles even 7 years later. PTSD and CPTSD suck! 💔

oh, so when the rest of the world is obsessed with losing weight and using unhealthy methods to do it it’s normal and fine, but when i do it it’s an eating disorder. got it.

it’s not that i don’t want to be in a relationship, it’s that i don’t think it would be fair or morally acceptable to inflict my presence on another person like that. it’s better for other people to not have to deal with me, nobody ever stays and i don’t blame them. i’d leave me too if i could.