The not so perfectionist :)

Sometimes, I don't want to label myself as deconstructing because its definition is yet again stolen and destroyed. I am just a woman who have outgrown being that good christian girl persona and started asking questions and getting the answers by myself. I am not afraid of losing my "riches" or my hard-earned leadership position at church (so I can speak up for those who cannot, take a seat at the table where decisions are formed only to find out that I can't because it is always the top leaders who get to decide and when one say, "but, what if?" you will lose credibility as gossip usually follows). I am not afraid of losing influence if that influence feed those who are in power, I do not need it. I am only sad that I cannot serve in my church ministries anymore because of this.

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." -- Matthew 16:19-21 (ESV)

It is somehow beyond human understanding how some moments just connect to the other.

How one person can change your perspective and fast forward to ten years, you are where that person told you, they see you to be.

How all your interests as a kid will find you ten years later and that they will be significant in your "purpose."

How you realize your partner came to your life at the right moment. In moments you were praying for each other, still faceless, those were the moments of protection and valuable growth.

Those signs... I thought God was winking at me hehe. But I also call them the invisible string phenomenon.

They say that humans are always looking for patterns and this may explain why we experience these deja vu- like feelings, eureka moments, that connection....

I think it is problematic to want to control the other person. But I also know that outside a toxic environment, and in a mutually beneficial, consensual relationship, grace should be cultivated.

Grace comes with the willingness to adjust to one another’s needs. Communicating these needs does not mean control but an invitation to adjust. And the willingness to adjust suggests humility and empathy. Communicating these needs suggests trust for each other’s growth.

The absence of trust and the presence of pride however, cultivates a culture of control.

This is a very problematic apology and I cannot explain how this irritates me to the very core.

It is one thing if this is the first time they said this. But completely another thing if this has been a cycle.

The problem is that they said "sorry" but it is just an empty word. If there is no behavior change or a push to start changing, then they are giving the weight to change to the other person. They should not say sorry because they are not. They just want the other person to change. And the phrase after the word, "sorry" is the phrase that proved that they did not see anything wrong with what they said. However, they believe that there is something wrong with what you felt.

They believe that it was not their intention to offend. This is so careless. This phrase or apology is the kind used by victim blamers. They do not have ownership of their fault because they believe that the fault lies with the victim.

Even if they will not agree with what I have stated. That they did not feel that they were victim blaming, that they are innocent of their ways. Well, fucking grow up. They're a grown person who should take responsibility of their own mistakes.

It's time I break your rose-colored glasses.

Medyo pet peeve yung alam nilang may pinagdadaanan ka tapos nagpapa-pray sayo...do u get me? 😂

I know that we are able to minister naman even when broken. But I was literally sharing what I am going through with my faith life, my deconstruction of it. And by the end of our conversation they shared a prayer request to me....

I myself have struggled from being controlling that in doing so, I tend to push my belief on the other person, rendering them unheard.

Now, it is quite difficult to push down your belief on another person if we cannot paint the belief system in black and white. This is right. That is wrong. We want to know. But what I learned is that it is okay not to know. It is okay to just let go. It is okay for the other person to do what they like because maybe they are right and maybe I am wrong.

Here is what I have discovered:

We tend to put a label on things so that it is easier for us to control things. We want to label a behavior as sin. So that it will give us space to correct it.

Well, earlier in our class, we tackled about post colonialism and this is the age old strategy of colonizers. They label a cultural tradition wrong/sin and this will give them the role as saviors. This gives them permission to colonize. The problem here is control.

Let us move on to a more current issue -- people imposing gender roles that women should do the house chores and take care of the children while the men bring home the bacon. We want control.

Let us move on to a more spicy issue -- sex. Why do we label sex as sinful that it became taboo. What is sex even? What people do not recognize is that when we do not put light on the issue, what is reserved for good is corrupted.

We are scared of what we cannot control, label, and define.

I often ask this question when I am still a volunteer/leader of our church, "Don't they trust us?" One does not know the meaning of trust when they are overcome with the need to control.

Church, allow us to ask questions. Allow us to tell our own stories and experiences. Listen.

Do you know that feeling when you squeeze into a chair, breaking it in, slowly getting comfortable in your sitting position? Or when you just dove into your bed and you feel the softness of your pillow, and the warmth of your blanket? Surrendering to your dreams.

Breaking in and getting comfortable in your surroundings. Saying hi to your neighbors. Opening up your senses to the new things.

I think that is where I am at right now. For some time, I have been constantly looking for ways to grow. I hate pausing. I got frustrated with everything that slowed me down. I tried to fix things (even people) in my life that slowed me down. But now I understand that growth is not only vertical. It can also be horizontal.

I now understand that I should allow myself to surrender to the process. To pause once in a while to smell the roses. Take in the new environment and immerse in the new experience. I now understand that I should allow my goals to be influenced by growth. After all, life is not just checklists and milestones (although, it is certainly summarized that way), it is about lived experiences.

It is okay if 10 years ago my goals look different than right now. It does not mean I am a quitter no. It just means I allowed myself to immerse i a new experience and let that influence my goals.