father's day & back roads
Father’s day was a picture perfect June evening. My relationship with my biological father is broken. I wouldn’t say beyond repair, but there has been enough sustained long term damage that being in the same room as him makes the air feel thin and uncomfortable.
The air in the forest, however, was fresh and cooling down after the afternoon sun hid behind the trees. My partner’s family were *finally gone, and I quickly hopped in the shower. I was on a mission to wash off the residue and stench of the flames from the fire pit. I believed it was polite to smell, at least neutral, when trapped in the car with someone for a while.
Footnote: *I enjoy the company of my partner’s family very much. I wrote finally because our abode is humble and it feels sort of chaotic when there are too many people there for too long. It is a cozy home made for two.
On father’s day, my evening plans were to spend it with someone else's father, a man named Sam. Deep in the pit of my mind, I wonder if his son will be upset. I know his son. We are really good friends. Would he think my friendship with his dad is weird? Is my friendship with his dad weird? Is it weird that my mechanic is becoming one of my best friends in this town? It certainly is convenient, but that’s not the only reason we talk almost every day. He does not mind me stopping by the shop and talking for hours. He is patient and he listens.
On father’s day evening, I pulled up to the garage to pick him up to go off-roading. After wiping himself off from garage dirt we are on our way. Sam makes fun of my cautious driving around the bends.
"We cannot all go 70 mph down a narrow back road", I joke back.
Off-roading is one of those things that people either casually dislike or obsessively make it their personality trait. I fall somewhere in-between. I enjoy looking at videos of big lifted cars climbing over rocks, but it’s not everyone’s thing so I keep the amusement to myself.
When Sam offered to take me on my first trail I was delighted. My vehicle did rather well and the trail was rather busy. I had to make way for two cars. That’s a rural town’s definition of busy. After we got to the end of the trail, I was pretty low on gas so I made the decision to head back to the shop instead of turning around and doing the trail again.
Driving back to the shop, the mountain road slopped down and I felt free and embodied for the first time in a long time. It was my first time on this road and somehow the curves, bumps, and slopes did not scare me. Not one bit. The pit in my stomach was released and I felt a deep sense of safety. In Sam’s presence I felt as if nothing bad could happen. In his presence I could sense the road ahead and my vehicle and I were performing as a unit. I could sense everything that the vehicle wanted to tell me and how the wheel wanted to turn. I also was not sweating, did this mean I wasn’t too nervous? The A.C in the vehicle was working perfectly. I think he could tell where my mind was. Spending time with Sam made me excited to get older. Even though the road ahead was unknown, spending time with him made me feel that I could handle whatever was around the bend.
"Wow, this A.C is working great! Who’s your mechanic?" Sam exclaimed.
I smiled, quickly stealing a gaze off the road towards him.
"He’s just some guy."
"Some guy."
It was interactions like these that made me question wether this relationship was insane, inappropriate, exhilarating, or all of the above. What was wrong with finding qualities that you admire in people and wishing they were the ones that raised you? What could possibly be wrong about spending time with an older man who is also your friend’s father?
Conversations between Sam and I flowed like a river after rain. Agreeable and sustainable. I catch myself articulating in structured sentences and not using vernacular. He asks me about my ideas for the future.
"I hesitate to state what it is I want in the future because I am not sure the future I want exists yet," I reply.
Sam nods in understanding.
I come to the conclusion that this friendship is worth holding on to. After all, what’s wrong with not wanting to be alone and afraid, in a world we never made.
