before I head to bed, a quick little thought
So I was preparing Kyleâs coffee for work tomorrow morning, so he can just turn it on and itâll go. Heâs such a groggy morning person. Always still rubbing sleep out of his eyes, sometimes for most of the day. (Starting to think that maybe he should get looked at by a doctor for this??) But, yeah. I do that to help his workday mornings go a little smoother. As I was making his coffee, I started thinking about how I miss friendship. How I miss hanging out with more than just the same 4 people every day (Kyle + kiddos), but how I am also fearful of trying to make new friends.Â
It is very tough for me to create deep bonds with other people. I always keep a mask on (some sort of creature that Iâve built over the years just to simply tolerate conversations.) or I simply make myself think Iâve garnered some sort of âbondâ with someone that is meant to be special, but the bond is either very small or non-existent. I feel that there is a wall that kind of separates me from being able to create and continue those bonds. And I was like....âwhy, why would I feel this way?â
Then I remember so many different reasons why. I remember after my years of s3xual trauma as a child, I would lay in the living room recliner in my motherâs house. The TV would be on, lights off, my mother is either at work or sleeping, my sister is either in her room or watching TV with me on the floor. I remember just soaking into that chair and feeling like my body was mine when nobody else was near me. I felt true bliss, like nobody could ever cross my boundaries again, or make me feel as though I didnât own my body. I was alone, surrounded by a comfy blanket, nobody too close to be in my bubble, my favorite program on my old boxy TV, and a contented sigh. This is my place.
Though I was a rather snuggly child with my mother and my sister, I wasnât all that comfortable with giving up my bubble buffer unless they were a boy that I thought was cute (lol) or teachers if they need to touch your shoulder etc. I did enjoy a good hug or two from close girlfriends of mine as a child, but generally I wasnât super comfortable. But as I grew older, I was fascinated with touching others. Like, they couldnât be in my bubble but I loved popping theirs. When I dissect this, I think my behaviour was a control thing. It was a way of me taking away their body autonomy so that I felt I was in control of my body. If that makes sense.
There are only three friends who I let in full heartedly, they were always in my bubble, and I was very happy that they were. They were my soul sisters. My platonic soulmates. There was Lily, Ana, and Megan. And you know what, i just had a HUGE epiphany. I realize these are the only friends that I had that bonded with me through trauma. Lily was my close friend that I got almost directly after my years of abuse had ended. She also had a very rocky, abusive trend in her household. She and I would stay up late watching horror movies, eating candy and yelling absurdities. She killed herself back in 2013, and I miss her often. She was my first solid and true friend.Â
Ana I met before I had actually met Lily, and I put her second because as I got older I realized how rude and rotten she could be, and how her mother was a drug addict who would often sexually explicitly dance in front of us CHILDREN so, yeah. Not that I blame her for any of that, she was born into that shit, and a lot of her behavior towards me was because she was an angry child who also had some form of s3xual abuse. Because she was sexually active very, very young. And very open and normal about it, like she had been a pro. It was not in any way normal or right, and those are usually some signs of childhood s3xual abuse. Anywho, she was my friend who literally didnât judge me for shit. We would shove pillows into our night gowns, drink large soda pops and pretend that we were drunk and pregnant (???) and complain about our imaginary husbands. We would spend hours dressing our baby dolls, our Bratz and barbies, and making up imaginary scenarios. She was just really fun to play with I guess. I was on the younger side, 8-9 when I met her. I believe it was while I was still going to my grandmotherâs for the summer.
And then Megan. Whooo. I almost feel like I should make a whole entire new post about her. She was seriously my one and only true best friend soulmate. She is the reason why I have zero friends (or at least one of the reasons why lol) because NO OTHER CHICKS COMPARE, MY DUDES. She was literally my one stop source for dopamine because she would make me laugh until my stomach and my cheeks were sore. Her farts were absolutely HILARIOUS every single time, never missed a beat. Her jokes were to fuckinâ die for. And she could literally make any sad situation into a funny one. She was my rock. She would still be, if I had never moved away. But maybe we would have still split apart down the road, I donât know. All I know is she is my soul twin. I love her so much.Â
I stayed up too late, goddammit. I just wanted to write for a goddammmmmnnn minute, but nooo, gotta write a whole goddamn book goddamn bitch
