I know why people hold onto things now and why people hold tightly. I thought I knew before. You made me feel like I knew before. It was just a smidgen on the scale of life. So small but big enough at the same time. I held too tightly. I understood every single second of that tightness and held my breath. I just couldn’t believe name it. If I named it, it became real. I held too tightly for the both of us.
I know the feeling of being at battle with attachment. It feels so fucking good. To know that if I hold it just the right amount, it will be rooted where I need it to be. I’m not talking about the “put on a shelf too tightly held”, I’ve been that person on that shelf. It’s not great. I’m screaming about the boarder, the equator of living and loving something or someone so much that you can pinch life just one more time for that feeling. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. From grief, sadness, joy. It feels so good, and, I know if I breathe just one more time, it will get locked up away and I will just never let myself touch it. It will be in a glass jar on a wooden shelf.
The thrill of holding life right there sometimes is enough. I can look at my partner and see the stupid way they forget to shut off the tv before we go out. I can see my niblings lining up to hug me double fisting caprisuns. I can feel the tree in the front yard of the house I grew up in. Grief holds you by the balls sometimes and doesn’t give you a choice. That suffocation comes for me sometimes.
I know why they hold tightly. It’s the thrill of the equator begging you to cross it, or maybe it’s the breath right before the line down the middle. Life still giving you a choice, you know? Sometimes it isn’t even the thrill at all, most of the time it’s the reason for the dance. I don’t remember how I got here but I know it’s eating at me. Holding onto the ticket stubs is one thing. But holding it so tightly you never even let yourself have it at all, like the fucking candles I’ll never burn, what’s the point? I’ll never experience it. If I loosen my grip, I get it all.
If I loosen my grip, I get it all.
^ fuck you from me though, Christ on a cracker if I know what that even means.
