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This is my third blog this since the start of November.

DONT REPORT, JUST BLOCK

this is my fucking coping method okay

I am not encouraging self harm or eating disorders but I am struggling myself. This is my therapy

I was previously @thisismycopingmethodd and @thisismycopingmethod

Dad: I hope rhis doesn't make you uncomfortable

Me: okay? *stomach dropping, I know this tome is always used around me and my depression shit*

Dad: I noticed you wearing long sleeves a lot and I know you have scars on your arms but I dont mind if you wear ahora sleeves around the house, if thats what you are comfortable with

Fuck man I thought I hid it so well

i get the feeling my best friend doesn't believe in non binary.  A while ago she said that she didn't believe it was a a thing.  she literally called it a phase because she didn't know any adult that were non binary who used they/them in their pronouns.  Which i find silly because she is a pansexual girl who should understand the stigma that gay people faced and still face.  After years of being told that being gay isn't real and that its just a phase and she says that.  and she doesn't really view trans people as people- she says its because her dad is a doctor and he finds it really difficult to diagnose trans patients when he doenst know what they are.  Its so fucking stupid he could legit just ask if they were afab or amab but it should already be in their medical history.  i fucking hate it.  I also sent before and after picture of me wearing a binder and i was so happy.  In the GC T congratulated me and gave me a shit ton of affirmations and it made me feel so genuinely good.  but S just ignored it.  I know we are drifting apart and i know its my fault because this always happens.  after 5 years they go, they just disappear into the mist, a new school, new friends, or im too much

And last night i was doing an assignment on 2 separate books.  Aftter i finished the first one i went on tiktok and of course a bunch of relatable autism stuff starts coming up and a vid about the raads-r test comes up.  so i do teh test and  get high scores and i do a bunch more of those tests and keep getting high scores in them.. In my 3am haze i sent the quiz to my family gc because im almost positive that my dad has autism.  But he had a partially open discussion about it with me the next morning, to  be continued for when i wasnt late for school.  when i finally gathered up the courage to tell my bsf from before that day that i scored high in these autism tests and i was kind of excited to maybe understand why im like this, because ive been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  ad autism can often be misdiagnosed for those two mental illnesses if you have been kind of traumatized as an autistic person. She told me that it probably isnt it.  She old me that sh doesn't trust those autism tests and that i shouldnt just self diagnose and that the depression and anxiety is whats making me think that.  It felt liek shit.  becsue tehre is a lot of evidence towards me being autistic, alongside the teste there s also a bunch of symptoms and there is a link between autism and asexuality(im asexual) where in a population of people there is about 1% asexuals but in the autistic populations they were far more likely to be asexual or feel disgusted toward sexual penetration.  

I know that i cant just self diagnose but im trying to figure out whats wrong with me and its not like im about to go around telling everyone im autistic becasue ive self diagnosed my depression and anxiety for years and have only told like three people, and even now that ive been diagnosed i haven't told anyone else.  Im not doing this because its trendy, the trend has just made me aware of how many autistic traits i carry around with me.  i was just finally happy that maybe im getting somewhere with figuring out my mental health.

I think im gonna tell my other friend from that group chat.  she is so supportive and has suspicions that she is autisic too. So im going to send her a message, with a forewarning.  I just want to talk to someone who is actually going to listen about what i have to say before throwing her opinion in.  And the pure confusion i have relation to my inability to express and know what emotions im feeling, she knows i have trouble with expressing my emotions and talking about how i feel but she doesnt seem to realise the impact on me

The dumb part about my friend telling me not to self diagnose is that she has been telling EVERYONE that she has ADHD for 2 years, she even told us in a group convo when she was accusing someone else of being a pick me for pretending to have adhd, someone pointed oout to my frined that she kind of mentioned having adhd a lot aswell and my friend tells everyone that her therapist diagnosed her.  she lied to us and Up until now she didnt say she didnt have adhd until shes trying to prove me wrong.  She basically said that she cant say she has adhd just because she gets easily distracted.  

Before and after wearing a binder

ive been having a really shitty day.  I woke up just exhausted, got outta bed to do my push ups and sit ups and i just lay on the floor for 10 minutes trying to motivate myself before school.  Then we ran out of coffee so i couldnt take one with me, and getting changed was really shitty becasue i had to see my refletion and all my cuts in the mirror.  And they keep catching on my clothes and leaving stains on my white shirts.  im too tired to deal with it.  Then at school, everyone kept demanding my attention and i just couldnt deal with it.  i couldnt find my headphones to block out the noise and for the whole day i kept realising over and over again how im doing so much worse than i ever have before.  Normally my self destructive thoughts stay in a box, they are linear and they include one of a fw things, slef harm with a razor, hitting something with clenched fists or blasting music to kill my thoughts, even sometimes i think about unaliving and how i hated it that my last attempt didnt work.  but yesterday i was walking past a glass display case to one of my classes and i almost rammed my head sideways into the glass.  i was walking and the image of me doing it just stuck into my vision and i was so close to following through but the moment passed but i havent been able to stop thinking about it.  it was horrible and violent and honestly ive been starting to get more and more thoughts f suicide again.  They just keep hitting me when i dont expect it and then for the rest of teh day im forced into a state of survival.  waking up in the mornings is almost a hit and miss, im always this close to giving up and just lying there.  

Its worse than last year and that scares me becasue i dont want it to get as bad as last year but i know that its already worse.   have mock exams in 2 weeks, and i havent studied, i have several internals due and no time to do them becasue im too drained to process the words.  this morning my best friend greeted me by saying hi fat bitch.  it really hurt and i was already exhausted and she didnt know that though and she said something and i literally shook her.  i grabbed her by the shoulder and shook her.  i didnt know what i was doing but she just stood there and looked at me as i shook her god i hated myself for it.  it made no sense, she did nothing wrong, i had no right to do that and i feel so stupid.  today has just been a whole fucking daze of me trying not to break down and trying not to go to the bathrooms to cut myself. fuck i hate it here, i hate this life, i hate these parents, i hate this body

17/08/22 7:53pm   -Alder/aster/wallace / neale