why did I say goodbye?

NINE. SUDDEN REVELATIONS AND CRUEL TIMING ──────

There’s a certain sense of contentness, a relieving—rejuvinating feeling that settles after accepting the end of a relationship. After you box away the memories of that first love, that real love that had been returned and warm once-upon-a-time, part with it and tuck it somewhere far away where it couldn’t easily reach you. Both the physical ones, like the photos and the matching trinkets that you each had kept parts of, Changbin’s hoodies, his illegible scrawls of love-notes. 

The emotional ones too, the kind that surface whenever you think of the ex, of what once was and the prick that comes with it.

But it does all get better, like you have been told by those who truly care. 

It did.

The concept of Changbin was long left behind in those final days of university.

The last final exam, the last walk onto campus. Another goodbye that they celebrate with graduation, with walking across the stage, a handshake and a degree in hand. With pictures and bouquets, endless chatter of families. Another turn of a page, another chapter started. 

A newer one, with a title that is still in the works and has the potential to change a few times. One that they’re not used to. Fresh and shiny, dripping with endless possibilities of more experiences to live.

Perhaps that’s how Hyunjin had always felt. From moving out, to changing hobbies like he did clothes. A bounce in his step, excitement in his voice as he ate my sanity rambling about this and that as we often found ourselves grazing over the flower field those last days of school. 

Graduation and the months that followed, brought forth a new sense of freedom. Unrestrained, though not like the kind you feel when you first freshly become an adult. Wide-eyes and unsure about everything that you had to get used to. 

Transitioning from a student status to that weird one in between. Trying to map out that next of what follows after graduation all on your own.

Twenty-three brought forth a new me that I maybe wouldn’t have met if I remained boxed in the title of “Changbin’s girlfriend”.

Although…maybe all the sleeping-around could’ve been less prominent in those days.

Whore-era was fun, though not long lived.

God, even thinking about that one year of my life, shocks me all over again, has me scandalized yet impressed anew every time the memories surface. Embracing that new chapter, drowning myself in those thrills had made me bolder, more confident, allowing me to shine. 

Hooking up in shady corners, the strings of walk-of-shames that followed after a passionate night. 

At twenty-three you think you know enough, think you're grown enough. Yet even then, you realized that learning was endless. That your life was just beginning.

Though I learned pretty early on that going to any party setting with the boys would repel the male attention. Clubbing with my girl friends I made through school and work, bar hopping, had become a norm that year that followed. Brought me out of my shell, allowed me to explore. 

The judgment in Seungmin’s gaze that one time he picked me up after a one-night stand, instead of Hyunjin who was occupied with his own love life, even more so.

The brunette shot me a look of exasperated disgust leaning against his car, scoffing and arms-crossed like some disappointed parent. He threw his sweater in my face to “cover the ugly” all while forcing a bottle of water down my throat. Only to shove me into the passenger seat and threaten to kick me out if I threw up.

That asshole.

The highs of being single came easily. Of being young and beautiful led her to experience things she thought only existed in tv shows.

It was odd, how just a handful of years ago they all worried about scattering, about the unknowns that their twenties would bring, only settled into a new kind of wide-eyed excitement. Though the worries never seem to cease, thrumming just beneath all the other pressures and expectations of life.

That transition period, all awkward and puzzling all at once seems like a ticking clock weighing over you to force you to make decisions. More school? Work force? Or maybe you had the strength to break the norm and travel for a year, free of the shackles that follow you with every passing year that comes along.

And they too, the psycho, his crazy and Seungmin™, had made their choices.

Felix had returned sometime between the next fall and their almost-annual trip. He was going to work in some indie game studio not far from where Hyunjin found himself working. Some interior design firm that he didn’t have any particular feelings for, give him a few months and he’ll have opinions. Though he does brag about their in-house cafe.

Seungmin wore ironed button downs and constricting ties, unsurprisingly a look that matched him well. Especially since he worked with numbers, the new accountant was as strict as his job. Attending night classes for grad school and getting hired at the firm he was interning at was not a surprise. No twist in his boring life. He seemed to enjoy being stressed it seems.

The biggest twist in one of their lives was probably in Jisung’s, who decided to go to Veterinary School right before the other four graduated. Maybe it wasn’t a surprise, seeing as he really enjoyed working at the clinic, even his boss encouraged him. Though his parents definitely let out their sighs of relief.

They were all growing into themselves. Becoming independent, more responsible. Though perhaps, responsibility was a stretch, seeing as they struggled to even babysit a child. 

The blinking of the astonished baby staring up with drool dribbling down his chin, makes the four of five Psycho-Crazies ft.Seungmin™ wonder how exactly they found themselves in this situation. 

Whoever trusted them to babysit must’ve been aware that it wasn’t possible unless done with four of them, especially since Jisung’s nephew was the much adored newest addition to his family. Though, already eight months, his birth had taken some of the scrutinizing attention off of the shaggy-haired man. For which he was grateful to this ball of chubby-soft skin and gurgling human. 

To be clear, his brother and sister-in-law hadn’t been crazy enough to leave him or his three other clueless friends in charge of their infant, but with a family emergency in his sister-in-law’s side—something about her mother having a bad fall—and the initial babysitters that were Jisung’s own parents having to rush to the restaurant for some leak issue Jisung doesn’t really care much about, the uncle found Han Yunho thrust into his arms with the clear and stern instructions of “don’t let him out of your sight!” 

To which, obviously, he freaked out and SOS bombed in the groupchat.

Now Jisung had plenty of experience with animals, especially with how close he came to daily at the pet clinic and also attending school again to become a vet, but the very human baby that was his nephew had gotten “uncle-Jisung-time” for a combined total of maybe two or three hours tops in all his eight months of life.

And though, Yunho was a well behaved baby for the most part, a mini-version of his brother rolling around and threatening him with reflexive kicks, the three other new faces looming over him had the baby stare up with big eyes, attempting reaching to grab Hyunjin’s necklace that teased him with its slow swaying with flailing arms.

“He’s adorable.” The long-haired man gushed, seconds away from nom-noming the baby’s chubby cheeks..

“You get over it once you start changing diapers.” Jisung shrugged, groaning as he sprawled over the play-mat laid out on the living-room floor, only for his head to shoot up. “Though, I think I might’ve put it on backwards.”

Felix gasped, already on his knees to double check that it wasn’t so, and quick to correct the mistake. 

“How do you put on a diaper backwards?” The blonde frowned before instantly cooing at the kid to distract him from the diaper-correction.

“You think I’ve changed one before?” The uncle argued with his own narrowed stare.

“There’s signs literally on the diaper.” Seungmin points from his spot on the couch, still debating whether he should settle down or slither out of the Han residence.

The accountant grumbled about being tricked into coming—Which, technically was true, since Jisung didn’t exactly clarify what his “super duper important life threatening emergency !!!!!!!” was about. Maybe Y/N was smart to not drop everything and show up at Jisung’s, like the three other guys had. 

Instead, she responded with an “lol” an hour later at the bombardment of messages, probably knowing her best friend well enough.

“—What does he eat?” Hyunjin sat on his haunches, making a face as he yet again wiped away the spit slicked on the baby’s lips.

Yunho’s uncle rolled onto his stomach, settling right next to the boy as he peered down at him. “Milk. Formula, some solids.” He poked at the child’s cheeks. “Mom left a list of things on the fridge.” 

“Strawberries good?” Felix rose to his full height. “My mom bought an entire box and is now handing out handfuls like Halloween candy.” He chuckled, walking towards the bag he put on the dining table.

They mash some of the fruit, Hyunjin giggling smitten, as he feeds the suddenly hyper baby ready to devour the sweet treat. 

They’ve been entertaining the infant for a while now, nothing exciting about it either. He doesn’t do much, “not even any cool tricks?” Felix shook his head, only to be shoved by Yunho’s uncle for likening his nephew to a dog.

And though they really don’t need four grown men to take care of an eight month old, they still lingered at the Han residence seeing as they were bribed by the shaggy-haired man with food.

Seungmin had been moody, something about a stressful day, though the guys felt as if there were other reasons, seeing as he kept frowning at his phone every now and then.

Sometime later, the main door opens with a squeak, unlocked for Y/N who had texted Jisung that she was on her way almost two hours in. She almost immediately laughed at the sight of Felix bouncing Yunho, Hyunjin clapping in the child’s face to keep his attention. Jisung was on the floor again, while Seungmin seemed to be distracted by some baby book about the rainbow.

“Wow, what an emergency. So very urgent.” She huffed sarcastically, unzipping her sweater and heading to the kitchen to wash her hands.

“You’re such a shit friend, what if I was dying?” Jisung shot up with a frown and accusatory point of his finger.

Y/N crossed her arms over her chest as she once again made her way into the threshold of the living room, cooing at the baby who suddenly stared at yet another new face.

“You weren’t though.” She rolled her eyes, both her and the Australian now trading the baby.

“You were with your boy-toy weren’t you?” He squinted, to which Y/N shot him a glare.

“Don’t call him that!” She spat.

“You were totally with him. She ignored your cry of help for d-i-c-k.” Felix spelled out for Yunho’s sake as if it made what he said any better, while Hyunjin grumbled about not wanting to hear about any of it.

“Shut up. Didn’t you have a date tonight?” She snapped at her step-brother.

The long-limbed man lounged back on the sofa, crossing his arms over his chest as he scoffed.

“Well I am a good friend.” Hyunjin raised his chin, before admitting, “Yuna was worried he was actually dying.”

Y/N rolled her eyes before they darted over to the nerd still riffling through the stack of picture books.

“And what’s your excuse? Nayeon doesn’t seem like the type to be worried about others.” 

Which, true. Both because Nayeon was still a newish girlfriend, having hung out with the group a few times, and it was also clear that she did not like Y/N. And that automatically made the feeling mutual. Though the other girl never outright said it, the vibes were all there. In the way she side-eyed Y/N about her sexcapades. Or moved away as if she would get infected by some whore-disease. What a bitc—

“She’s busy.” Seungmin stated, pointed glare shot towards Hyunjin who had opened his mouth to say something else before getting back to his baby book reading.

Perhaps another jab, or another tease. Everyone, very aware that his new girlfriend did not fit well into their group hangouts, especially with Y/N present.

The girl opened her mouth to say something else, yet before she could say another word, Felix shoved a strawberry in her mouth, grinning maniacally at her surprised stare.

“If the food I was promised is Felix forcing strawberries down my throat I will throttle all of you.” Y/N threatened between chews.

The blonde broke into his familiar gremlin-like cackles while Hyunjin gasped, offended while arguing that he “didn’t even do anything”.

Jisung groaned as he stood, trying to order something, while Seungmin moved onto his next baby book, something else that Y/N would have made fun of if Yunho didn’t start pulling her hair. 

Of course, that gets the accountant’s full attention, head-snapping up at the standing girl’s gasp, breaking into laughter while he encourages the baby to tug harder. 

The other three men shared a look, one that goes unnoticed by Y/N who was both clueless and struggling to unclench the baby’s fist wrapped in her hair.

It’s after dinner that Y/N finally learned why the guys aside from Seungmin had been a little too aware of the brunette’s mood.

“—They broke up.” Jisung, the blabbermouth that he was, murmured, his head snapping back to ensure the other guys weren’t paying attention.

Though it seemed keeping them distracted was covered, seeing that they were all hypnotized by the colorful cartoons playing on the tv, Yunho fast asleep between Hyunjin and Felix. A surprisingly unsurprising sight.

His chin jutted towards their nerd friend who sat in the distance, between washing the eating utensils and handing them over to Y/N for her to dry.

“He was quiet and so mechanical when he came, obviously we noticed something was wrong and Felix managed to get it out of him that he had some big argument with Nayeon before coming. Then he told Hyunjin that they broke up.” The best friend continued.

“He told Hyunjin but somehow you know.” She raised a brow.

“Hyunjin can’t whisper for shit, remember.” Jisung retorted. “Felix also overheard but we all know he’ll never spill the beans unless he’s specifically told to do so.”

“Right, we only need one gossiper in this group.” She seemed amused at the excuses.

Jisung glared, slightly offended as if she should be grateful that he was a blabbermouth and gave her the juicy details of things they both shouldn’t have known to begin with. Not until Seungmin told them at least.

But he doesn’t refute it either, rolling his eyes as the two continue washing.

“It was because of you, you know?” Jisung’s voice is low, yet the revelation cuts the silence almost sharply.

Y/N instantly turns her head to look at him, brows furrowed, surprised by such details.

“She asked for him to distance himself from you. Apparently couldn’t handle how easily you flirted around with guys.” He revealed with his own frown, upset on his own for such narrow-minded thinking before he huffs out a laugh. 

“Man you should have seen her that other evening when we all went out to the bar. How upset she was that you kept garnering the attention of that group at the billiards tables.” He recalled with a snicker, shaking his head at the recollection.

Y/N remembered that night, Hyunjin had finally introduced Yuna to the friend group. And though she does recall Nayeon shooting her unfriendly glances, barely even greeting her upon arrival, she does not recall whatever happened when she wasn’t paying attention. She was too busy entertaining the cute billiard guys after all.

And maybe she should laugh, but it wasn’t all that funny was it? She never imagined someone like Kim Seungmin would end up dating someone as demanding and judgmental as Nayeon either. Though, now that she thinks about it, she realizes she doesn’t really know what the nerd’s type was. She was well aware, painfully so, of the kind of partners Hyunjin and Jisung preferred. And she was sure she had Felix’s down as well, comparing his two exes for the blatant similarities. 

Her brows furrow as she tries to think about Seungmin’s however. Not really knowing such details, let alone how many people he’s actually dated either. 

And for the first time, it hit me. I didn’t know Kim Seungmin as well as I thought I had. Sure, the surface level things were easy to nail. When his name comes up, the thoughts that cross me always are tinged with irritation, a sigh, a gripe over the man who always manages to raise my blood pressure. Nothing interesting ever happened in his life to intrigue me.

Not that it was wrong to have a boring life—a normal life.

She observed him first hand through their encounters, through existing in the same space. Besides his irritating jabs and his smart-ass attitude, there were those things about him that she learned once, through her brother, through her friends, through Miss Hwang even, tidbits that just stayed in her knowledge unprompted.

Like how he was allergic to tomatoes but oddly not the variety that it comes in—spreads, sauces, ketchup. 

Or how he volunteered at the pet shelters with Jisung from time to time, spending hours just petting dogs.

He was a man of routine. The kind that stuck to his word, oddly inspirational in some way yet a true menace under it all.

Like I said, surface level things, with which I could say I knew him well enough. But somewhere deep down, I knew he was other things besides the annoying guy who was my step-brother’s best friend.

And apparently, kindness to her was one of those things. Though she knew that he was capable of it. It was kindness wasn’t it? Lying about the real reason behind his breakup to not make it seem like it was her fault when she asked about it later.

Choosing their friendship over a relationship with someone he liked? And for someone like Seungmin, who always grumbled about the chaos that was their friend group, always threatening to cut them off, he seemed to be loyal down to the bone.

What else didn’t she know about him? 

“But that’s Seungmin for you. You know how he is.” Jisung chuckled, bringing her out of her thoughts, a rare fondness colored in his tone as he shook his head glancing up at the mentioned man for a fleeting second before returning to his wiping down of the counter.

Did she though?

Y/N blinked, eyes trailing over to where she now found Seungmin lounged on the sofa, fingers absentmindedly twisting some part of one of Yunho’s random toys while he scrolled  on his phone.

The thoughts crossed her again. Now that such a revelation was exposed to her mind. She wondered if she knew how Seungmin was, truly? Like Jisung had chuckled, the companionship that eludes her when it came to the nerd.

Her memories of the tall brunette weren’t any special. From twelve to now, he had always left her either huffing or trudging along under his leadership. And it wasn’t that she hated Seungmin, she considered him to be a close friend, someone she cared for as much as she did the other boys. 

Perhaps it was loyalty, perhaps it was that they all survived through their most awkward years together. Memories with his presence prominent in many of them. That Seungmin had seen her in her lowest, a persistent parasite that she couldn’t actually imagine being free from, nor did she really ever want to. 

So that evening, she found herself sitting in the backyard veranda with the brunette. Hyunjin had been there for a bit too but had disappeared using the bathroom as an excuse, though the two of them could hear his soft murmur and low giggling into the phone somewhere indoors, most likely had gotten distracted with his girlfriend. 

Y/N wasn’t usually the kind to poke around in Seungmin’s love life—another realization that had surfaced once she let the thought of not knowing him settle—but it seemed that she couldn’t help herself when she spoke, breaking the silence that only grew between them.

“Why did you and Nayeon break up again?” 

She knew exactly why, pretending as if she didn’t though came easy. She watched as the man made a face, muttering something about “Big-mouth Jisung” under his breath before leaning against the glass of the veranda door.

“We had our differences.” He sighed, his gaze flickering from her squinted eyes to the night sky. “Different dreams and expectations…you know?”

“Differences…” Y/N repeats with a low murmur, her eyes trailing over him. “Right.”

Seungmin’s brows twitched the slightest before he hummed in agreement. 

“Yeah.” He lied.

There are sudden eye opening moments you have in your life. Whether that’s about yourself or those that you thought you knew well. 

Like Y/N had with Kim Seungmin, the neighborhood’s most cherished. Even in his own apartment complex he was well known to help the older ladies carry their heavy groceries, something Hyunjin complained about because now he was expected to do it too as the roommate.

And perhaps Y/N would have chalked it all off to a just a Seungmin thing, not really regretful of all the instances where she waved off the thoughts of getting to know him like how the boys did. Hyunjin sang praises of him in the same breath of spewing complaints. 

Jisung considered the accountant as his trusted adult, even if the brunette was the younger between the two. “He had his shit together” and the man would nod, though there was a glint of pride in the way he looked at his friend, as if he understood him in ways Y/N never truly got around to herself.

And Felix probably rivaled Hyunjin for the best friend title these days. Another thing that the taller man grumbled about, often yelling at the Australian to get his own best friend, of course there was never any bite to it, always ending up sprawled between his roommate and the blonde while he watched them play games on the rare occasion they were all free.

Y/N decided then, after Seungmin’s breakup, after he lied, after yet another back-and-forth squawking over something that probably was not worth it, at least that’s what it seemed to be, between Felix’s gruff, Hyunjin’s eye rolls and Jising’s dingdingding of boxing match rings to egg them on.

And I would say he irritates me, makes my blood boil sometimes, pushes buttons but also can’t handle it when I retaliate. Sputtering surprised unable to prepare a quick comeback, the sight that is much-too-pleasing, overriding all the frustrations that he subjected me to.

Cat and mouse, back and forth. The kind we’ve been at since we were those awkward tweens.

But I decided to loosen my grip a little on the rope that was our constant tug-of-war, trying to be the bigger person like he often was when he realized I wasn’t in the mood to entertain him. It wasn’t an easy task, to take the backseat and observe Seungmin and everything that he was. 

Although that probably didn’t last long enough, seeing as the nerd had to go ahead and get hit by a car.

It was probably one of the most traumatic moments of her life, of all their lives.

Loss.

Something they’ve only scratched the surface of. Y/N knowing well of her mother’s death and the emptiness that came with it—though that was filled in a way with Miss Hwang during her formative years.

She knew loss in the way Changbin left her. And even if he was very much alive, the gaping hole that he left had her flailing in life for a good while.

They knew loss in deceased pets, in absences of parents, in goodbyes that never felt forever. Yet, for the first time, Loss, with a big L sat heavy in their chests.

The moment when they heard about Seungmin’s accident it punched them in the gut.

It was Thursday, a few weeks before her birthday that Y/N got the phone call. Hyunjin’s frantic voice echoing from the other end after his insistent phone calls that interrupted her between tasks at work.

It was a Thursday, some weeks before her birthday that the group of friends had rushed back together, this time there was no excitement, no endless strings of laughing banter. Instead panic, frenzied and confusing, laced their expressions. 

Hyunjin was in the midst of consoling Seungmin’s parents, his own eyes bleary with tears when Y/N arrived.

“He’s in surgery.” Seungmin’s sister’s voice was raspy, brows furrowed with both tension and anxiety.

The accident had come unexpectedly. Wrong-time, wrong-place kind of situation. A car skidded off the road, and onto the sidewalk where Seungmin happened to be.

It’s unbelievable how just a few hours prior everything seemed so normal, so bland. The annoyance that pinched in her brows were of mundane things like forgetting to pick something up from the grocery store, like fumbling with a pile of paperwork. The meeting that seemed endless.

It’s unbelievable how at 10:30 that morning, Seungmin sent everyone a picture of his middle finger to something Felix had teased him about at some odd hour of the night while he slept. Yet just a couple hours later on his way back home he gets hit by a car and their world shifts.

Fate’s timing can be so cruel. 

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ to be continued.