I feel like myself sometimes now it's been a rough journey and I have so much more progress to make but the people in my life make me feel really loved and accepted so I can continue toward my journey of finding myself and what makes me happy.

You were all I had and I thought I was yours too until I wasn't the only thing and then you just left was I supposed to be reasonable in this unreasonable as fuck situation? I guess I know how the one before me felt you made fun of him too but in the end you left nothing but sadness and it just continues the cycle you are in sister I refuse to be like you I will forgive and never give up as long as I know that those people will also fight for me not give up on me when I need them the most. I still love you and I bet you still love me. I hope you change I hope you cherish the people in your life that actually have your back. I'm sad when I think of you I want to remember only the good times but they just feel empty like you were just on your phone with someone else when we were supposed to be together. I don't feel sad all of the time though the people in my life right now make me feel so loved that it feels like those years never even happened and I find myself wishing they didn't I would rather be your friend still. But I guess that's up to you dude. I wish I was who you still wanted I wish I could still make you smile and laugh but I'm glad you have someone who can do that. Please be happy.

I have really bad dreams sometimes most of the time when I do dream about real people they are always doing the negative things I expect them to be doing behind my back and it makes life feel so fake when people do make decisions that seem negative toward me especially friends and people that are supposed to be family I just wish I wasn't so cynical. I hate everything. Even though I know I'll be fine I don't want to be fine I want to be able to know that people love me without feeling like there are ulterior motives but why would mentaly healthy people even think about being friends with someone that is such a mess.

Can I stop being a distracted garbage person that wants to show people I care by guessing how they feel and acting like a total ass instead of just telling them how I feel?

This whole confidence thing I have going is a lie my reactions are just delayed because I'm such a distracted person so I can choose not to react to things sometimes and most of my life I've been suppressing my reactions to things. I blush super easy just talk to me literally anybody talking to me makes me blush. I get embarrassed whenever I make mistakes like deeply embarrassed but I'll pretend outwardly that its not a big deal. Idk what to say to people so I literally say what I'm thinking to try and make things not be awkward and quiet but then they get awkward because what I'm thinking about is weird. People just haven't known me I don't think I've known myself.

I wish I wasn't so dependent on others opinions for validation. I guess that's what I had been working on before I got distracted with other realities anyway. Maybe being distracted with other realities was me not caring about other peoples opinions. But different.