I JUST FUCKING LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE. TO BE MORE SPECIFIC, FUNNY AND AMAZING DRUNK PEOPLE. THEY HAVE THIS "GO GET 'EM" ATTITUDE THAT I REALLY FIND INSPIRING, ESPECIALLY SINCE THEIR "GO GET 'EM"-NESS IS REALLY FOCUSED ON GETTING COMPLETELY FUCKING OBLITERATED AND THEN TRYING TO DO THEIR TAXES. THEY'RE RESPONSIBLE! MY MOTHER TURNED INTO THE BIGGEST FUCKING BOOZE HOUND AFTER MY SISTER AND I MOVED OUT OF THE HOUSE. NOW, SHE DRINKS A BOTTLE OF HOUSE-FUCKING-CHARDONNAY ON WEEKNIGHTS AND WATCHES RERUNS OF "MEERKAT MANOR". THEN SHE DRUNK-DIALS ME TO TELL ME SHE FUCKING LOVES ME AND THAT SHE'S SO HAPPY GOD SENT ME TO BE HER FUCKING SON AND ALL OF THAT SHIT. THEN SHE SAYS, "HONEY, SEND ME THAT 'I JUST LIKE THIS SHIT A LOT' BLOG THAT YOU WRITE. I WANNA SHOW IT TO MY GIRLFRIENDS." AND THEN SHE HANGS UP BEFORE I CAN EVEN SAY A GOD DAMNED WORD. SHE'S FILLING HER EMPTY NEST WITH FRANZIA FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. SHE'S LIKE SHELLY WINTERS IN "THE POSEIDON ADVENTURE", EXCEPT SHE'S SWIMMING THROUGH AN OCEAN OF PINOT GRIGIO. FUCKIN' SWIM, SHELLY WINTERS! SWIM, GOD DAMN YOU! SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE TOTAL WASTE-OIDS AND DO WEIRD SHIT LIKE PLAYING TORI AMOS' "SILENT ALL THESE YEARS" AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE AT 3:15AM AND SINGING ALONG, RIGHT BEFORE THEY GET INTO THE BATHTUB WITH ALL OF THEIR CLOTHES ON. THEN, OF COURSE, THEY GO ON A TOUR OF THEIR HOUSEHOLD, THROWING UP IN EVERY SINGLE ROOM. NO BIG DEAL. I HAD A FRIEND WHO THREW UP ON SOMEONE'S HEAD IN THE BACK SEAT OF A CAR WHEN THEY GOT PULLED OVER BY THE COPS. THEY DIDN'T EVEN GET FUCKING CAUGHT! SHE JUST SURREPTITIOUSLY VOMMED ALL OVER HER FRIEND'S HEAD SILENTLY, LIKE TORI AMOS, ALL THESE YEARS, BUT MORE SPECIFICALLY, JUST THAT NIGHT WHEN SHE WAS BARFING INTO HER FRIEND'S PONYTAIL WHILE THE PO-PO WAS ONLY MERE INCHES AWAY. THAT'S SOME FUCKING DEDICATION! ON A SERIOUS NOTE, ALCOHOLISM IS NOT OK, BUT IF YOU CAN GET COMPLETELY SHITARDED IN MODERATION, I SAY FUCKING GO FOR IT! I'LL STILL BE YOUR FRIEND IF YOU POUR VODKA INTO CHAMPAGNE AND THEN MAKE OUT WITH SOME GOTH CHICK AT A WAREHOUSE NEW YEARS EVE PARTY, OR, IF YOU GET TOTALLY SNOGGED OFF OF ONE SHOT OF TEQUILA IN PUERTO RICO AND THEN FORGET HOW SUITCASES WORK BEFORE SOBBING IN THE SHOWER LIKE IN "THE CRYING GAME", WEARING ONLY A T-SHIRT! ACTUALLY, THOSE LAST TWO WERE ME. SHIT. WELL, WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER, I DON'T HAVE KIDS.
