For those of you who don't know, I have an adopted daughter who will be turning 18 this year. Throughout her teen years, she was struggling with the trauma of losing her biological parents, and so she was not very motivated to do anything at all, whether that be in school or doing chores at home.
So, being someone who struggles with depression and PTSD, I talked with my partners, and we agreed to reward her when she did the smallest things. Obviously, we didn't spoil her, but say she finished studying all week for a test and she passed that test with an 80 or above (B's are passing in our book), we would take her out to get ice cream. Or if she finished her daily/weekly chores for a month, we would take her out to see a movie she's been waiting to see.
My partners and I would always get comments from both our own parents and other parents who weren't aware of our daughter's emotional state and trauma, along the lines of 'Why are you rewarding her for doing the bare minimum?' or 'You're spoiling her, she won't be rewarded for this kind of stuff as an adult!'
Parents, I grew up with very little praise to the point that if I couldn't guarantee I'd succeed with 100% certainity, I'd give up. I would get 1 C after months of straight A and/or A/B grades, and my parents would not comfort me and instead would say, 'We know you can do better next time,' when I had worked hard on a really hard test, and it felt like anything under a B+ was a failure. Even if the C's hardly- if ever- affected my grades because I so rarely got C's as it was.
By High school, top grades weren't worth the effort anymore, and I dropped to a D/F student, because even if I got a B, my parents would still say 'Good job, but try for an A next time,' like me getting a B on a test my teachers made clear was insignificant or didn't count towards my grade at all, actually, was a problem. I know it doesn't sound like that comment would hurt, but it only added to my insecurities.
So, when I reward my child for doing a great job at things I know she struggles with, my thought process is not 'will she be rewarded as an adult'. It's 'Would these comments/actions have affected my performance and self-confidence growing up?'
My daughter still struggles with mental health, but because my partners and I spent her remaining formative years teaching her that chores and hard work can be rewarded in the long run, she's actually a functioning adult who knows when to take a break and when she needs to take time off for herself.
Kids learn through a punishment/reward system. Too much negative reinforcement causes insecurity and a negative outlook on life, just as much as too much positive reinforcement spoils a child. Being a responsible parent who cares is about finding a balance, and sometimes that means going further in one direction than you might think necessary, or pulling back when you're doing too much in the other.
