High Hopes, Low Expectations: An Autobiography

There’s nothing more egregious in society’s eyes than when a politician is accused of corruption, but one in particular will forever go down in history as the man whose televised graphic suicide haunts people to this day.

Budd Dwyer was a member of Pennsylvania State Senate, and was also well-known as the 30th Treasurer of Pennsylvania. Budd’s prominent career came crashing down all around him when, in the early 80s, the state found out a critical error: employees had overpaid federal taxes. In order to repair the damage, accounting firms left and right began competing for the multimillion dollar contract to determine compensation for each employee. That was when Budd allegedly accepted a bribe from a law firm in California that ultimately won the contract. Throughout the whole trial, he had maintained his innocence and even insisted he was being framed. But Budd didn’t stand a chance. In the eyes of the judge, he was guilty as charged. He was sentenced to a maximum of 55 years in prison and had to pay $300,000 in fines. 

On January 22, 1987, the day before Budd was to be sentenced, he called for a press conference. The media went crazy, as they assumed he was going to resign from office. But what really unfolded was much more appalling. He began reading before all the reporters, imploring people to extend prayers to his family, and declaring his innocence once more. He then withdrew a revolver from a manila envelope. People began shrieking in fear, begging him not to do the unthinkable. Some tried to step in and stop him, but Budd warned, ‘’Don’t, don’t, don’t, this will hurt someone.” Within seconds, the revolver was in his mouth and he pulled the trigger in front of all those who were watching him on live television. He immediately fell to the floor, blood rapidly gushing out of his nose and head wound. He was dead instantly.

Wow, we’ve been here for 40 years. We’ve come pretty far. Terraforming is complete. Sustainable farming is complete. We have recreational sports, games, classes on interesting subjects, the arts, but of course… no women. The majority of citizens now believe in the Beta Theory, although some still believe in the Original Mission. It’s illegal to even say E.M.’s full name. But we’ve made the best of it.

I knew I was dreaming the moment I noticed I had 8 fingers on my left hand. I was overjoyed to finally be able to experience a lucid dream, something I had been wanting to do for so long. I ran up to the nearest person, and shouted “IM DREAMING!” simply to vent my excitement to this fictitious world.

The man looked at me with utter confusion. But I noticed his face begin to… change. His one human looking face was twisting and distorting into something I can only describe as horrific, as plumes of black smoke began to seep from his eyes, mouth, and nose.

Suzanne watched as the agent sorted through the photographs of her late husband.

“Your husband looks very happy in these pictures,” said Agent Carlisle. “I take it his chip was working well before it malfunctioned?”

Suzanne nodded. “Yeah, it seemed like the implant had really done the trick up til that point,” she said. “Before the procedure, he’d get these really bad bouts of depression that would last for days, sometimes weeks at a time. We thought the chip had cured him until—well, you know…”

Three months ago I was in a car accident.

It wasn’t great, I’ll tell you that. Legs got crushed, cracked some ribs, and it was touch and go for a while. But thanks to the advantages of modern medicine and several blood transfusions, I got wheeled out with the promise that if I got lucky I’d be able to get around with a cane.

It was a miracle when I started walking.

But miracles apparently don’t come for free.