i have no idea what i'm doing

somehow, someway, i got lost. 

but i’m back. and i want to resume this documentary of my experience. i still have no idea what i’m doing. but as i sit in my cozy apartment, listening to the patio chatter of the bar below, i feel like i want to go back to writing about my journey; sharing my weird and wandering experience as a middle-aged expat finding her way to a new life, despite herself.

it seemed overwhelming once i settled in and when life started happening so fast, i started feeling like things were being documented for the sake of being documented. doing that thing where you boast and post only the fun bits... the social media grab for best online life. not because i was working out my feelings or processing and sharing new experiences. being honest: that’s what i meant to do. but goddamn, the lure of curating the perfect, enviable online life is truly a siren song.

i worked in an office here for a few months and it was nice. i met some super sweet people who helped welcome me to the netherlands – until i (and they) realized i was a bad fit. and i got fired. humiliating, but true. fortunately, we parted amicably and we are still mutually wishing for the best on both our parts. 

the winter was a blur of travel to the US for this holiday or that event;  bouncing between the UK, spain and italy to reconnect with my dear friends, making up for the years it wasn't so easy or affordable to spend long weekends with them. spring has brought more travel... although in this direction – visits from friends and family. i know it’s all about my first year here and the novelty of having a friend in europe to visit for some, but i love every crazy second of it and hope it becomes an annual pilgrimage for all of them. 

and now, in this moment, i have a spring full of gorgeous memories behind me, a summer full of memories to-be-made with family and friends ahead of me. my poor canine roommate is occupying a breaking down body, but supporting it with a bottomless spirit of love and curiosity, and the undying certainty that everyone who looks at him wants to pet him; my mind is occupying a soup of next-step career possibilities; my heart is full of  daily interactions with (old + new) friends and strangers.

last friday – june 7, 2019 – marked my one year of living here. i still don’t speak dutch (which, if you know me, completely annoys me), but i’m looking forward to what the next year brings. and to what i’ll write next.

As I haven’t written a proper update post for a while, I must apologize. So very sorry to disappoint you, loyal readers. But things have been happening and I’m now here to update you with actual words, beyond the series of photos and captions that have recently been serving as my blog updates. 

First, I am officially employed! At least for the next year. I have a full-time contract with the agency I’ve been working with throughout the summer. (I’ll spare you the image of my signed employment contract.) My colleagues are the best; the studio is full of Netherlands natives and they are all very dedicated to my Dutch language education, having endeavored to teach me a new word or phrase each day. Bonus? Pretty garden view from my desk...

Second, perhaps you may have noted that I’ve moved (if you scroll down a bit you’ll see our latest ‘new residence’ documentation). It is true! I have landed in the neighborhood of Oud-West. Thanks to my network of facebook-plugged informants, I found a lovely little west-facing perch just above a neighborhood watering hole, a couple of blocks from the Vondelpark. 

I took my roommate there (to Vondelpark) for the first time yesterday. I don’t think I’ve seen that level of hyper over-stimulation since my mom gave my oldest nephew some crappy, over-processed mini-cinnamon rolls from the Harris Teeter that left him spinning like a top. In hindsight, it was a bit cruel to take poor Finn there in his broken down state. He’s very eager for exercise and mental stimulation.