I wish stone could talk. I wish it could say anything. That it could break the silence. I never knew silence could sound like loud whispers. Did you know silence can make your head hurt ? I hate sleeping now. It’s not the sleeping bit I hate because I love that part it’s like time travel, I can get to the next day without having to physically get through it. I feel nothing and there is nothing is that what it’s like for you ?
I lied it’s not the sleeping I hate. It’s the waking up. For the first few moments when all the good thoughts haven’t been taken yet, I forget. I forget that your bed hasn’t been slept in. I forget and I know this sounds horrible and I hope you’re not offended but I wish I could forget you completely. At first I wake up and it’s like before for a few seconds. Only a few seconds and then it all comes back and there’s too many thoughts in my head and there’s so much noise. And I can feel hands around my neck strangling me, shaking me and they’re saying.
‘This is forever this is real this is forever this is real this is forever this is real this.is. forever. this. is. real.’
If you saw what people said about you after it happened you’d have laughed. I know I did. I laughed when I read
‘RIP ANGLE’
under your photos on social media. During the ceremony I saw the kid that wrote it and now all I can think of is your face bent at an angle like a shit Picasso painting with block colours. You have a nose on your forehead and an ear as a mouth and a mouth on a cheek bone and an eye on a chin. And I can’t stop laughing. For fuck sake.
My laugh echoed through the flowers from people who didn’t know you had an allergy. It blew out the stained glass windows of saints and prophets you didn’t believe in. Then it gets to where you are lying.
Why don’t they know you can’t sleep on your fucking back?
Then they all turn and looks at me with disgust. I laugh even harder because I can’t stop now. I laugh until I get told to leave by one of your relatives. I didn’t know who they were so you probably wouldn’t either. I keep laughing until I get outside and then I feel water on my face. I thought maybe I’d finally cried but it’s just rain.
I go see you sometimes. Well not you because you’re decomposing under the ground. I go and see some stone that has your name on it and basic words that could never even come close to summarising you. And I think about another comment someone left under that photo of you up that lamp post.
'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’
I think whoever thought of that is a dick. Or he just didn’t know what love was. I’m really sorry but all I want to do is forget you existed. And I’m really trying to do so.
I wish we never met.
