Gay? On MY blog??

Geralt knew he should have told Jaskier, told him he has been feeling anxious and insecure about Jaskier flirting with people, but doing that would admit weakness. As much as Jaskier, Yennefer, and his therapist have tried telling him, it is still drilled in his head that admitting you are upset by something means that you cannot handle it on your own.

“Private conversations with your ex-wife is different than having private conversations with a friend.”

Geralt’s therapist told him a week ago that he needs to apologize. He had explained the fight and she was disappointed in him, he knows this. She gave him a list of ways to apologize, how to start off and how to not freak out when someone puts blame on you.

She assured him that it wasn’t just his fault, that Jaskier had faults in the fight as well, but that he should reach out. He was the one who made Jaskier leave, it would be better if he reached back out again.

“Green isn’t a good color on you.”

“Are you fucking serious, Geralt?! You’re the one freaking out at harmless flirting but I’m the one who is jealous?!”

Geralt looked down at his phone, seeing it was only 9 pm. He hasn’t been sleeping still, only getting a few hours in every other day, having no one to help him sleep or a guilt free conscience. 

He missed Jaskier, he did. He doesn’t know where they stood now, but he didn’t want to let the man go. He never thought they would be together as long as they have, that they would work together as well as they did, but they did. Ciri loved him too, loved him the moment Geralt introduced the two and has even taken to asking when Jaskier is going to come over, when he is going to be available to play.

He never thought he would be able to find someone to love with Ciri around. He doesn’t care if no one wants to date a man with kids, he knows that’s not the case. Plenty of women have flirted with him at the gym and outright told him they thought it was hot how well he took care of his daughter. He just never thought he would have the courage to date someone, bring someone into Ciri’s life before she moved out. He was ready to just have it be her and Geralt, no one else. He was happy with that.

Then that singer had the audacity to serenade him at the bar, to hold eye contact with him as he sang a love song in front of a bunch of strangers. He even had the nerve to leave a note with his phone number on his nightstand after they slept together.

And Geralt had been so enthralled that he called him back. 

Then a year and a half later, Geralt fucks it up.

“I’ve been trying so hard to be enough for you, to be enough for Ciri! I feel I can’t compete with Yennefer, and you going behind my back to talk to her hurts!”

“Then don’t compete with her.”

“Wh—What?”

“I’m not repeating myself.”

Jaskier left after that. He didn’t slam the door on his way out, no. He always had a quiet anger. He barely raised his voice in the fight. It was only in the end when Geralt started pushing his buttons. 

He was calm. He was able to control his emotions. If he was mad with Geralt, he would talk about it. He would voice his thoughts, and anytime they bickered, they would go outside, go on a walk if Ciri wasn’t around, hide in their room if she was. He would make sure that her life was never interrupted by people fighting as it had been when he and Yennefer were together. He was looking out for his daughter, even if that was the last thing on his mind.

He would look out for Geralt too. He would give Geralt space if he was feeling overwhelmed, if he was sensory overloaded and ready to snap. He would hold Geralt close if he couldn’t sleep, would stay up and sing to Geralt if he had a nightmare. He would make him food if he was too tired from work, would watch Ciri so he could take a nap after days of not sleeping. 

Geralt and Ciri were at the top of list, and Jaskier showed this over and over and over. But Geralt had the audacity to think he would leave, to think that he was getting bored with his current life. So he lashed out, pushed him away, hid away before Jaskier could hurt him more.

Jaskier didn’t deserve that. He deserved someone that would bend over backwards, would worship him the same way the musician worshipped his lovers. Geralt was never that.

But he wanted to be. 

He looked back at his phone. Twenty minutes had passed. 

He needed to fix this.

---

Geralt walked into the bar that he has frequented time and time again. It was packed, people dancing around and drinking. Geralt was surprised to see people were more slow dancing. The music was slow as well. Geralt looked up at the stage and his heart stopped when he saw Jaskier sitting on a stool, guitar in hand, as he sang into the microphone. The band that usually accompanied him must have been taking a break, giving Jaskier to sing about his feelings.

The song was sad, it was slow, the patrons didn’t seem to mind. They were all listening to his voice, holding their lovers and friends close, drinking and watching Jaskier.

Geralt snuck past all the people and went to the corner of the bar, eyes never leaving Jaskier. He could hear the pain in his voice and his heart clenched tight. He knows he was the one that put that pain in Jaskier’s voice, so the idea of singing a slower song at a bar would be better therapy than just talking to Geralt again. But he supposes that’s his fault.

The bartender shot him a look, a confused and angry look. Geralt wasn’t surprised. He knew that Jaskier was close with his coworkers and was never one to shy away from sharing his woes. He wouldn’t be surprised if the bartender found a reason to kick Geralt out before he talked to Jaskier. 

“Whiskey, on the rocks,” Geralt huffed. The bartender nodded, still eyeing him up and down as she got the drink for him. 

As she handed the drink to him, she leaned closer. “If you aren’t here to talk to him, I suggest leaving.”

Geralt stared at her with a neutral face, wanting to tell her off for butting into his business, but he knew she was right. He just thanked her and leaned back, turning his eyes back to Jaskier.

The pair of blue eyes met with his and Geralt froze in his spot. Jaskier had been setting up a microphone as the radio music played overhead, giving the band time to set back up. Jaskier’s face quickly morphed from one of confusion to anger, annoyance. Geralt watched as he leaned back to the man next to him, mumbling something. The mystery man’s eyes flicked to Geralt quickly before he turned back to Jaskier with a nod.

Gerlat quickly looked away, embarrassed. He didn’t know what they were talking about, what they were planning, but Geralt was scared to find out. He wanted to leave, save himself the embarrassment, hide away and talk to Jaskier later.

But Jaskier’s thirty minute break was in ten minutes, and if he left before that, he doubts Jaskier would ever talk to him again. If he is even willing to talk to Geralt now.

“How’s everyone doing?!” Jaskier spoke into the microphone after everything was set up. Everyone cheered, clapping as their favorite musician flashed them a smile. “Wonderful! I’m glad all of you could show. I would like to think you are here because it’s one of the few nights to see me live instead of behind the bar, but I know it’s really because it’s ‘ladies drink free’ tonight.”

The crowd let out a chuckle, Geralt included. Jaskier knew how to work a crowd, how to get everyone to love him within a minute of talking to him. 

“Now, how many people are here to forget about heartbreak?” A handful of cheers, some guys yelling about their partners being a bitch. Jaskier nodded his head at the response. “Glad to see we are all responsible adults who know how to handle our problems.” More laughs, some cheers. “I’ve got an oldie but a goodie—if we are considering 2011 old—to play tonight. For all of those who did not have an emo phase in high school, sorry you may be left out tonight. For those of you who did, get ready because this song will bring back those memories.”

The band started plucking at some strings, Jaskier watching them for the beat.

Geralt vaguely recognizes the song. It must have come out a long time ago. Based on what Jaskier said, when he was in high school. Geralt is seven years older than him, so he doubts they were anywhere close to listening to the same music when Jaskier was in high school.

“Of course he would sing Avril Lavigne with you here,” he heard the bartender grumble. Geralt looked over to see her refilling his drink, not looking up at him. “I would listen to the lyrics a bit more if I were you.”

Geralt nodded his head, turning back to Jaskier. He was walking around the stage now, singing his heart out as many drunk people in the audience joined him. It seemed to be a popular song, one many people knew.

You’re on your knees, begging please, stay with me

But honestly, I just need to be a little crazy!

Geralt grimaced at the lyrics. The lines seemed to hit a little too close to home, seeing as he was here to actually beg for Jaskier back. He doesn’t know if Jaskier knows this or is hoping.

All I want is to mess around

And I don’t really care about—

If you love me! If you hate me!

You can’t save me, baby, baby!

The words just seem to hit him more and more. Jaskier was putting all of his anger into this song. He could tell. Every emotion he felt, all the words he wanted to stay but couldn’t, all right here in the disguise of a song. Because he knows Geralt is here, he knows he is listening. He knows he has no other choice but to listen.

So what if I go out on a million dates?

Jaskier’s eyes turned right to Geralt, passion in his words as he held eye contact with Geralt.

You never call, or listen to me anyway

Geralt looked away. He couldn’t listen anymore. It hurt him too much. Every word Jaskier sang destroyed his confidence little by little, making him want to turn and leave, leave before he could make the situation worse.

The song went on, the people cheered, but Geralt stayed silent. He ignored the bartender’s eyes, ignored Jaskier’s gaze as he sipped his whiskey, going over the list that his therapist gave him. 

He doesn’t know how much time passed, but suddenly he felt a hand grab his arm and pull him out of his seat. Geralt stumbled and turned, ready to yell, when he realized it was Jaskier.

“We’re going to the back, Sam,” he called to the bartender, not once looking at Geralt. He didn’t wait for a reply before he pulled Geralt away, through the ‘employee’s only’ door.

The break room was empty, thankfully. He let go of Geralt’s arm and turned around, glaring at the man.

“What the hell are you doing here?” he snapped.

“I wanted to talk to you,” Geralt mumbled. Jaskier let out a laugh, shaking his head.

“You’ve had three weeks, Geralt. Three. Weeks. And you choose now, when I’m at work, to come talk to me?” Geralt looked down, ashamed. He didn’t think that he would be mad that he was gonna talk to him at work.

“I didn’t think—”

“That’s nothing new,” Jaskier interrupted. Geralt shot him a glare. “Oh don’t glare at me, you brute. I have the right to be angry. You came to my job after three weeks of no contact. No text message, no phone call, nothing. You just told me to leave and left me in the dust.”

“I shouldn’t have—”

“You’re right, you shouldn’t have. You should have thought this thro—”

“Will you please let me talk?” Geralt snapped. They held eye contact, Jaskier’s arms crossed and Geralt’s hands clenched at his side. It was a long moment before Jaskier spoke up.

“Well then?” he motioned at Geralt, staring him down. “Talk.”

Geralt took a deep breath, calming himself down. He knew this conversation would be a waste if he decided to snap at Jaskier again.

“I’m sorry,” he started. He glanced at Jaskier, but when the man hadn’t moved, he continued. “I shouldn’t—I should have talked to you. I shouldn’t have poked your buttons, or betrayed your trust, or kicked you out of the house.”

“What does Yennefer think about all this?” Jaskier asked, because of course he would. She was, in a way, the center of the fight.

“She thinks I’m a fucking idiot,” he grumbled. Jaskier blinked, seemingly shocked at that answer. “She—She yelled at me when she found out I told you to leave, when she found out that I hadn’t told you that we were talking.”

Jaskier bit his lip, fidgeting in place. He looked away to process the information and Geralt let him.

“What did you talk to her about?” Jaskier mumbled. He had shrunk in on himself, wouldn’t look Geralt in the eye. He was afraid of the answer.

“I wanted to know how I should talk to you.”

“Talk to me about what? Kicking me out? Breaking up with me?”

“No!” Geralt snapped. “I—I didn’t know how to talk to you about the people flirting with you, how you were gaining tips at the bar.” Jaskier didn’t say anything. For the first time since Geralt knew him, he was silent. Geralt let out a sigh and ran a hand down his face.

“I’m sorry,” he said again, because at this point he doesn’t know what else to say. “I don’t want you to leave, I don’t want you out of my life. I was just jealous and stupid and sleep deprived. I was afraid that if I talked to you, you would be mad, but I see now that not talking made it worse.”

Jaskier let out a deep sigh, looking down at the ground. “I’m sorry too,” he mumbled. Geralt opened his mouth to say no, don’t apologize but Jaskier continued. “You’re right, I shouldn’t be flirting with people at the bar. It is all harmless, but I should have realized that it is making you uncomfortable. I don’t want you thinking that I’m gonna leave you for some rando who is probably cheating on his girlfriend as he is talking to me.” He looked back at Geralt, agitated.

“But you need to tell me these things. I am not a mindreader. And I don’t mind if you’re talking to other people, but I would like to be informed. You don’t have to tell me what you’re talking about, but at least say who you are talking to when I ask. Especially when it’s your ex-wife.”

Geralt nodded his head in understandment. He could do that much, he doesn’t have to hide from Jaskier when things are difficult. 

Jaskier gave him a small smile before walking forward, grabbing Geralt and pulling him into a hug. Jaskier wrapped his arms around Geralt’s waist and hid his face in his neck. Geralt wrapped his arms around him as well, holding him close as he laid his head on Jaskier as best as he could.

“I missed you,” Geralt mumbled. 

“I missed Ciri,” Jaskier replied. Gerlat huffed and smacked Jaskier’s butt. Jaskier let out and laughed as Geralt grumbled.

“I come here and lay my heart out for you and you say you miss my daughter.”

“I missed Roach too!” he defended. Geralt tried pulling away, pushing Jaskier away by the hip, but Jaskier whined and held on tighter. “Okay, okay! I missed you!”

Geralt hummed, satisfied as he pulled Jaskier closer to him again, keeping his hands on his waist. 

They stood there for who knows how long, just swaying in each other’s arms and holding each other close. Jaskier placed small kisses on Geralt’s neck and shoulder, and though Geralt would never admit it, each kiss made his knees buckle and his heart melt.

But he had a reputation to uphold.

“I should probably head back to work,” Jaskier mumbled. Geralt hummed again, but neither made any move to seperate. 

It wasn’t until Jaskier’s phone buzzed that they seperated, Jaskier groaning. Jaskier looked down at his phone and rolled his eyes.

“Sam thinks that I killed you,” he mumbled as his fingers tapped against his screen, shooting a text back to his friend. Geralt chuckled and kept Jaskier close, unwilling to let go just yet. Jaskier slid his phone back in his pocket and back at Geralt, a smile on his face. Geralt pulled the musician closer, sliding his hands into his back pocket as Jaskier slid his arms around Geralt’s shoulders.

“Are you gonna stay?” he asked. Geralt hummed, looking at his mental schedule.

“I’m not busy,” he answered. Jaskier smiled wide and Geralt decided he would do anything just so he could see him smile like that again.

How did he go three weeks without this?

“We close early today,” Jaskier mumbled. He leaned forward and placed a kiss on the corner of his mouth, teasing Geralt. “You can chill at the bar and convince Sam that you are a good person, and I can finish up performing.”

“I guess,” Geralt grunted. Jaskier let out a laugh and finally, finally pulled Geralt in for a kiss.

As he leaned away, Geralt followed and caught his lips in another kiss, causing Jaskier to let out another laugh and God, how did he go three weeks without this beautiful man in his life?

“I do need to get to work,” Jaskier laughed when he pulled back again. If Geralt was any other man, he would whine, stomp his foot, refuse to let Jaskier leave his arms ever again. But he can’t. His boyfriend does have a job to do.

As they walked back out, Jaskier called Sam over.

“Just put anything he drinks on my tab,” he told her, shooting a knowing look to her when she raised an eyebrow.

“I’m not going to drink a lot,” Geralt grumbled. Jaskier rolled his eyes, pushing Geralt back on the stool. 

“Yes, but I know Ciri has field trips coming up that you need to save for. Therefore, just drink on my tab. I don’t mind.” Geralt let out a huff but didn’t argue anymore. Jaskier placed a kiss on his check before stepping away to go back with the band.

“About time that you guys made up,” Sam grumbled as she made him another drink. “He’s been down in the dumps for weeks now, so much that I was afraid the boss was gonna force him to take some time off.”

Geralt hummed in understanding. Jaskier isn’t the best at hiding his feelings, so it would make sense that his boss would force him to relax.

Geralt stayed silent as Jaskier went up to the microphone, talking to the crowd once again, but this time with a happy glint in his eye. Geralt smiled to himself, happy that his lover could perform his best.

---

“Are you sure you’re going to be alright getting home?” Sam asked. 

Jaskier nodded his head. He was standing against the bar, trying to help Sam clean off dishes and whatever he could with his boyfriend hanging off him, refusing to let go.

“Yeah. He’s a very easy drunk, surprisingly. He’s just gonna whine a lot,” Jaskier laughed. Geralt let out a hum in protest, but Jaskier just patted his head, lightly running his finger through his hair. Geralt let out a happy hum, placing more kisses on Jaskier’s neck.

“It’s weird seeing the big macho man who rarely smiles like this,” Sam laughed. Jaskier laughed as well. It was weird for him when he first saw Geralt completely wasted. They were with his brothers when it happened, and he refused to let anyone else be near Jaskier. If Jaskier had to leave his side for anything, he would whine and pout until he got back, to which he would just hold him close and kiss every part of his body he could reach easily.

“He’s just like a big, needy puppy,” Jaskier assured. “He is a little more vocal, but for the most part it’s just him clinging to me like I’m gonna disappear if he let’s go.”

“I see,” Sam mumbled. Geralt tightened his grip around Jaskier’s waist, huffing when Jaskier smacked his hand.

“Oh hush,” Jaskier scolded. “I need to breathe, Geralt.”

“Our times together prove otherwise,” he grumbled. A blush bloomed on his face as Sam let out a loud laugh.

“I think you should get the big hunk of muscle home.” Jaskier nodded his head. 

“Yeah, probably. He’s probably gonna pass out soon.”

“Geralt, I need to pee,” Jaskier grumbled. He had gotten Geralt to Geralt’s apartment, into the bedroom and into more comfortable clothing. Geralt had tried making out with him, wanting to go farther, but Jaskier just kept pushing him back. Now they were laying in bed and Jaskier realized that he had to pee, but Geralt was being a cranky toddler.

“No,” he huffed, holding Jaskier tighter. Jaskier just rolled his eyes before rolling away, forcing Geralt’s arms off of him. Geralt groaned as if Jaskier punched him in the stomach, or physically hurt him. Jaskier ignored him as he made his way to the bathroom.

When he came back, he laid down on his back and Geralt immediately threw his arm and leg over him, laying his head on Jaskier’s collarbone and snuggling into him. Jaskier let out a small chuckle, running his hands through Geralt’s hair. Geralt hummed and scooted closer, satisfied.

“Jaskier?” he asked. Jaskier hummed, so he continued. “‘M sorry. Shouldn’ have kicked you out.”

“It’s okay, Geralt,” Jaskier assured. “I’m not mad.”

“Don’t leave.”

“I’m not gonna leave.” Jaskier placed a kiss on the top of his head, continuing to pet his hair until he fell asleep.

“Ciri would be mad if you left,” Geralt continued, obviously feeling the need to talk. “She was already confused when you weren’t here. She kept asking where you were. She was obviously upset and I didn’t want to tell her.”

“Well, we don’t want to upset our princess, now do we?”

“You should move in,” Geralt mumbled. Jaskier froze, staring down at Geralt in shock. “You basically live here. Ciri wants you to live here, keeps telling her teachers that her Daddy has a boyfriend who doesn’t live with them. It’s kinda embarrassing, so you should move in.”

“I think that’s a conversation we can have when you’re sober,” Jaskier deflected. He and Geralt have never talked about him moving in, and Jaskier was okay with that. He understood that he was probably scared to fully let Jaskier into his life, even after over a year of dating.

“I am sober.”

“Then in the morning, darling,” Jaskier said again. Geralt grumbled but didn’t complain, just snuggled closer to Jaskier.

It was quiet for a long time. Jaskier thought that Geralt was finally asleep, but he was wrong.

“Jask?” Geralt whispered. Jaskier hummed, but otherwise didn’t answer. Geralt didn’t like that because he placed his hand on Jaskier’s face, forcing him to look vaguely in Geralt’s direction. “Jask, Jaskier listen to me.”

“I’m listening!” Jaskier laughed, face slightly squashed by Geralt’s hand. 

“I love you,” Geralt said, and it was obvious to him that he thought it was the most important thing in the world right now.

“I love you too, my dear,” Jaskier mumbled. “Now, go to sleep. You need it.”

Bonus!:

“I see you two made up,” Yennefer said when Jaskier opened the door. Jaskier stared at her confused.

“What are you doing here?”

“Dropping off Ciri. I have a business trip I need to take.” Jaskier felt a tiny body tackle him, shoving his face into his stomach.

“Jaskier!” Ciri cheered, hugging him tight. “I missed you! Daddy said you were visiting family! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It was a secret trip,” he answered easily as he hugged her back. “I couldn’t tell you in case someone overheard me. We don’t want the secret getting out, right?” 

Ciri nodded her head in understanding. She gave him one last hug before running past him.

“Where is Geralt?” Yennefer asked.

“He’s laying in bed with a hangover.” When Yennefer gave him a confused look, he explained. “He came to my work last night to apologize, and I guess he forgot that you were bringing Ciri back over because he just drank after we made up.”

“That idiot,” Yennefer mumbled. They heard Ciri yell ‘Daddy! Daddy, wake up!’ and Jaskier quickly turned around, calling back to her.

“Ciri, princess, Daddy is sleeping!” A second later they heard Geralt groan as Ciri laugh, most likely from jumping on the bed—or on Geralt. It’s not the first time she would have done it.