writing about things

She’s not the type of girl you’re used to… and you’re not quite sure if you like it or not. She’s not easy to get to know. She’s guarded and closed off… anything even slightly personal is harder to get to than Fort Knox. With her – it’s always one step forwards and two steps back and it’s SO frustrating… But you think maybe you kind of like it… because when you see those little glimpses of her you know you’re probably the only person who ever has. She can’t be charmed… she’s not that type of girl. She manages to twist your compliments into insults or downplay them into jokes, and again… it’s so frustrating!!! Why can’t she believe that you like her!? Why can’t she just accept that she’s beautiful? She can’t be bought because again… she’s not that type of girl. Jewelry, flowers, gifts… none of it interests her and she gets angry if you try it. She seems to think it’s effortless, and to her credit she’s kind of right… you’re simply repeating the same rehearsed steps to try and make her like you that you did with every other girl… and it won’t work… because she’s not like other girls. She’s demure yet provocative… She runs hot and cold… She’s self-conscious, but also self-assured… In fact, she’s just about every contradiction you can possibly think of and yet you’re somehow addicted to this roller coaster ride because you know that even when she’s being the complete opposite of herself she’s still the most ‘real’ woman you think you’ve ever met and you just want to get to know her more. You want to see all of her… get inside her mind… know everything there is to know about her… But she won’t let you. She’s not that type of girl. And when the day comes to let her go and kiss her goodbye forever, you can tell she wants to cry… But she won’t… because she’s not that type of girl. She never was. She never will be… And that’s exactly what you loved about her most.

I do have an oxymoronic soul. I am shyly bold. Confident yet insecure. Open minded yet in love with my traditions.Freely loving yet afraid to fall in love. I know love is the food of soul yet I feel it’s something I should definitely avoid. I consider myself to be that kind of person who would definitely take the first step if I ever meet someone amazing. Yet I never let myself feel enough or let the situation take turn in that direction because I always find something off….. something that puts me off them. I am surrounded by friends day and night yet I feel lonely. Lonely not in a cliché way but I just feel there’s just no one who gets me, who understands my words-spoken or unspoken….That person doesn’t have to be my soulmate or friend or whatever… I am not the kind of person who needs affirmation from people to justify my actions yet just a “ I understand you” from anyone would do….

She changed this year. She decided she didn’t want to be this shy person anymore because she always felt left out. She decided to do one thing a day that scared her. She decided to be more open-minded and to stop judging everyone without knowing their reasons. She decided to stop holding herself back and to stop pretending she’s somebody she isn’t just to impress someone. She decided to stop worrying so much about small things that won’t matter in a few months. These decisions made her happier than she’s ever been in her life. She feels carefree, bold and like she’s living life at the fullest.

Sometimes, you don’t need a reason for doing everything in your life. Do it because you want to. Because it’s fun. Because it makes you happy.

There’s an old saying which reads “You will fall in love with someone who does not love you, for not loving someone who did.” Maybe there is a law after all, a law of nature. Like gravity. An unwritten axiom that governs our emotional dealings. What you do to people comes back to you with twice the force. You see, perhaps we are not punished for our sins, but by them.