versus.

he kisses hyukjae again, smiles into it and takes a bag into his hands when they break it. “let me put this in the kitchen.” as aroon walks to the kitchen he wonders if the others are home, if they already sleeping. he goes to their shared room, closes the door once he sees hyukjae is already there. “ready for the surprise?” aroon asks, back leaning against the door. he holds his hat, takes it off to reveal his freshly dyed blond hair. “so, what do you think? do i look good?” he doesn’t need confirmation, aroon knows he does, but there is nothing he likes more than to hear hyukjae complimenting him.

that’s the thing, isn’t it? that aroon is always willing to help him out. despite both of them knowing they shouldn’t be doing any of this, despite them knowing they could get in trouble if they keep this up, his boyfriend is always there to support him and there are truly not enough words in the dictionary for hyukjae to explain just how much he actually loves him for it, just how much he admires him and cherishes his company, his existence in his life. “i was thinking about that too,” he says, a smile on his face. there’s this almost hurtful need to take aroon’s hand and guide him inside the building, but hyukjae knows he can’t give in to the impulse, “she can bring them when they’re a bit older, you know, when they’re already learning their way around the streets.” not because he was an expert or anything, absolutely not, but because hyukjae loved observing those sweet little animals, it was a lovely routine.

they find themselves taking the elevator, side by side, and this is when he allows himself to lean his head on his boyfriend’s. how easy and how beautiful life would be if they could do this freely. not a care in the world, no judgement, no nothing. just them, them, their love and their freedom. he knows it’s not possible and certainly won’t be for many years to come, but at least he allows himself to dream of it for now. he knows that eventually, it’ll become a reality.

once inside their apartment, he doesn’t complain when aroon pulls him in for a kiss; quite the contrary, he’s quick to wrap his arms around his boyfriend’s body, pulling him and keeping him close. they had been separated for hours and hyukjae was already desperate to see him, feel him, kiss him. which in essence, it was the same as it had been in the past. sure, before they were only friends, but hyukjae still couldn’t deal when aroon wasn’t around, a necessity of closeness that it was almost embarrassing. but such is life between them, and it’s okay because both already came to terms with.

“aren’t you so kind, hm? thanks baby.” he kisses him one last time before they part ways. hyukjae takes a detour to the bathroom, where he pulls his sweatshirt sleeves back and washes his hands. min wasn’t the only cat he fed and even if, hygiene was still necessary when dealing with stray animals. once he was done, he went straight to their room, taking the sweatshirt off and tossing it over his chair, followed by the beanie on his head. he hears the door and aroon’s words is all he needs to turn around, “yeah, what is-” and then there it is, his new hair color.

there are times hyukjae tries to repress his ‘american’ side when they’re home, even though sometimes it’s the most natural he feels. it’s not like he has issues with his personality or his nationality, not at all. but hyukjae had been (and currently is) forced so much to act as american as he can, that sometimes he feels he needs to try his hardest to be less that. however, he can’t even help the tone and the hand gestures that follow as he exclaims an almost, yet actually surprised and happy, “yooooooooo!” very bae hyukjae. “whoaaaa, this color looks so good on you.” there it goes, the korean is gone, the english comes in. “holy shit, it really does look so good.” he says again, approaching aroon and placing his hands on his neck. 

“I’m sorry, but if we’ve met b’fore I don’t remember.” Heoffered a lopsided apologetic smile. “I aien’t so good with idol names.”

oh. as soon as the other male informs hyukjae that the dog isn’t his, he sort of recoils. presses the dog a bit tighter against his chest. not because he’s protecting him from this other guy, of course not. he doesn’t even know him to begin with and hyukjae isn’t one to judge others based on whatever bullshit other than actually getting to know someone. but he does it out of pure instinct and protection, as if realizing this dog is either a stray, or is lost, or ran away, who knows. either way, the dog is alone and hyukjae is already thinking about the many places he can take him to.

his thoughts, however, come to a stop when yeongshik speaks, making him slightly throw his head back, “ah, so that’s why. XLNC, i’m sort of familiar.” all idols are sort of familiar, anyway, with other groups. no matter if you don’t know them personally or by their names. you just might recognize their faces from somewhere, or you’ve definitely heard the names of the groups somewhere, at least.

“hey, no. don’t worry about it, we haven’t met actually. not formally, anyway.” hyukjae is quick to take the guy’s hand, shaking it firmly, “i’m hyukjae. bae hyukjae. or samuel, sam, most people know me with that name? i perform with inferno.” and he knows that 1nferno isn’t exactly the biggest group out there, but he supposes they’re good enough to be recognized as a group here and there... or so he hopes. 

giving him a sheepish smile, he bows lightly, “it’s really nice to meet you though, probably not the best circumstance.” or probably good, who knows. “i can’t really tolerate seeing abandoned dogs around and this one seems pretty scared to me. bet it got lost or ran away from home, don’t you think? usually, stray dogs know how to cross the road, but this little buddy here clearly doesn’t.” he rummages around the dog’s neck, to find there’s no collar, no identification, “and the owners didn’t give him a tag either, so.” it would be really hard for them to find his owners. 

“and i brought this,” he taps the other bag, cat food inside it, “for them.” aroon gestures for the cat with his half eaten peppero. it’s only one tonight, but he knows there are others in the neighborhood, they sometimes show up at the door, waiting for hyuk to come feed them. it’s a warm night and aroon enjoys the night air after spending the last eight or so hours locked inside a studio. “i have a surprise for you too, but i can only show it inside, no one can see it. for now.” he tips his bucket hat up a little to look at hyukjae, smiling. “so hurry up, i want to kiss you.”

he never listens. well, he does. but when it comes down to animals? he doesn’t. doesn’t need to. doesn’t want to. doesn’t have to. should he? sure. will he? no. because hyukjae doesn’t ever ask for much, he doesn’t ask for anything at all. everything he does comes from his pocket, every effort comes from his heart, everything he wants to do is born out of pure love and pure kindness. hyukjae doesn’t ask midas to give him a solo, he doesn’t ask for an acting gig, he doesn’t ask for more variety appearances, he doesn’t ask for anything. 

hyukjae just wants to love, he wants to protect, he wants to shelter, he wants to save. and the fact the company wants to take that away from him is something he won’t tolerate. he bends over so much for them, to become the boy they want him to be, cute here, cute there, say this, say that, he complies. why can’t he have this? so fuck it if the neighbors aren’t cool with it, it’s not his fault they’re all a bunch of heartless people.

from a distance he sees aroon’s ride arrive, and a smile spreads across his features as soon as he sees him, and as soon as he says he should be sleeping he simply chuckles. he should be, but he has other priorities. “normally i stay up past four watching whatever, this is nothing.” he tells him, a small bag of food in his hands as he lovingly looks down at the cat in front of him, taking the small pieces of food into its mouth. 

aroon has always supported this. he knows he shouldn’t, especially because every time hyukjae has gotten scolded over his animal-feeding habits, aroon also takes the blame. so it’s a two in one package deal where the managers yell at them both. so yes, hyuk knows he should behave for everyone’s sake, but it’s an instinct he can’t fight. and now, when he sees aroon not only gift him his favorite bag of chips but a bag of food as well? he realizes there’s no way he can just leave this habit behind, definitely not when the love of his life is enabling him so much.

with one hand, he keeps offering the cat its food, uses the free one to grab a peppero, bringing it into his mouth. “you’re enabling me,” he tells him, doesn’t look at him though, “you should be against it just as everyone else is. they might take your solo away.” that last comment is a joke, midas wouldn’t dare take something as important as his solo for some stupid rule hyukjae loves to break. he nudges his shoulder lightly, “no one can see the surprise for now? ah, so you’re only surprising me with an ‘exclusive’ for now, i see. nothing i can keep to myself forever.” that’s another way to tease, ends up shoving the rest of the little stick inside his mouth.

“all cheesiness aside, i’m happy we’re good again, my life was so boring when i wasn’t talking to you.” he kisses hyukjae again, unable to stop. and he doesn’t need to, hyuk is his boyfriend now, they can kiss all the time. oh, the other boys will hate them so much with all this couple stuff, he can already see it. “i saw things and i wanted to send you, i made jokes and no one laughed because they didn’t understand it, i missed having my best friend.” and now here they are, so much more. “my life is way better when i know i have you to share things with.” he smiles again, kisses hyukjae yet again. he really will never get tired of it.

it’s almost like a dream. hyukjae was a rather positive person, always waiting for the absolute best to happen to him, always hoping that of all outcomes? the best will always come his way. but for whatever reason, in this case? it surely wasn’t like that. hyukjae had expected the worst, starting with aroon laughing at him for such stupid confession. because it was true that aroon could have anyone he wanted; and the fact he had so many guys interested in him was the biggest reason behind that. no, of course that didn’t bother hyukjae, but it only fueled his thoughts, those ugly thoughts about him not being good enough.

but he was wrong, so wrong. as aroon holds him and reassures him, he can only nod and accept it, he believes him. none of those guys meant anything to aroon, at least not romantically and hyukjae thinks if they did? he would have a boyfriend in any of them by now. but no, he is his boyfriend, and even though it’s a bit crazy to think about it, how they went from some sort of friendship limbo to this? it was, without a doubt, insane.

“i know it’s not a threat and even it it was, it’s not like i’m going to complain about it.” he responds, and they kiss again, over and over again. hyuk is convinced there will be no human or universe power to break them. they already endured their biggest challenge as friends, they went through it and not only did their friendship survive, but their love grew stronger, solid. “i just want us to focus on ourselves, from now on. which, you know, it’s always been like that. you and me against everyone else. against the people who tried to pick on me when we were younger, against anyone who dared mess with us. it’s always been like that and now, now we must protect each other even more.” and hyukjae was convinced they would be able to do just that without a single problem.

their closeness is enough to make hyukjae feel warm inside, all of him. there are butterflies in his stomach as they talk, as he looks into aroon’s eyes, into the eyes of the man he loves. how could he be so stupid to not realize sooner? if only, he would’ve confessed a long time ago already and they would be together for several weeks now, maybe even months. but that doesn’t matter anymore, just like aroon said; what matters is that they’re here and they have to keep moving forward.

“can you imagine how i felt when i had no one to listen to my endless rants? or whatever stupid thing that came to my head?” he pauses, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him into a hug, hiding his face in the crook of his neck, “only you understand me. only we understand each other entirely and i’m glad we get to have that again.” his head moves, enough to kiss his cheek, then his lips, “i love you. i’ll never get tired of saying this. i love you. i promise to make you happy everyday, and you know i never break my promises.” 

“Watch out!” his voice boomed across the seemingly empty street. An oncoming car narrowly missed the creature as it bolted across the two-lane road.

recent life happenings had reinvigorated hyukjae in a magnificent way. as soon as things with aroon were fixed, everything went back to okay. but when said friendship developed into something more? it completely shifted, it changed everything within him and now nothing could take that smile away from his lips, there was no way. 

thus, that’s how he finds himself jogging every morning. of course, he made a habit out of working out everyday even if he hated it, even if he didn’t understand why he had to spend hours in a gym trying to look better when truthfully it’s not like he had enough muscular mass to actually create muscles, but alas. that’s a topic for another time. the important topic right now is that he’s regretting not carrying an umbrella with him, because it seems the sky has other plans for today’s morning. the one morning he decides to be up early (more early than usual) happens to be the morning where it’s going to rain. fantastic.

earphones plugged in, daft punk’s ‘harder, better, faster, stronger’ playing at the highest volume as every step he gives goes in rhythm with the song. not a bad idea, he could certainly use the coordination practice at this point in time. he gets a notification and looks down at his phone, it’s one of 1nferno’s managers asking if he already got rid of all the bags of dog and cat food he had in the dorm. he types a quick ‘yes’ and sends it. no, of course not, he would never. he knew those animals needed him, but it was fine if the managers wanted to believe he already did. that was better.

before he can lock his phone and shove it back in his pocket, he can hear, even on top of the high volume of his earphones, the wheel-screech of a car, prompting him to look up and be a witness of the horrifying scene in front of him. sure, nothing happened to the dog but something /almost/ happened to him and that was enough to have his heart racing fast and hard. he quickly looks at the street and sees another car approach, yet, this one isn’t going as fast as the other, he thinks anyway.

before it can reach the dog, that seems incredibly afraid now, he’s quick to leave the sidewalk and spring towards it, picking it up and waving at the car, as if thanking the driver for not going as fast as the other person. he gets to the other side of the road, pressing the little sweet thing against his chest, panting as if he had run the longest marathon ever. he uses his free hand to take his earphones off, “hey, you’re okay buddy, you’re okay.” he coos, cradling the little creature in his arms. 

“come here.” aroon sits down on his bed, drags hyukjae with him. he intertwines their fingers again, not ready ti end physical contact yet. his other hand goes to hyukjae’s hair, fingers combing through the soft strands. “i know how it feels, to come to terms that you like another man romantically.” he touches hyukjae’s cheek and his neck. “it can be so scary and confusing, it must have been so difficult for you.” aroon kisses his cheek and his lips again. “i’m so sorry i wasn’t there for you.” and he means it. “but it’s okay, i’m here now.” he kisses hyukjae again, breaks away only to kiss his cheeks. “it’s you and i again, hyukie. as we were meant to be.”

he can’t begin to explain how relieved he feels, how at much ease and peace his brain and his heart feel. the fact nothing and no one came between them this time, the fact the timing felt perfect, the fact everything just... seemed to fall right into place? it was perfect and every time aroon looked at him with so much love and so much adoration, he saw it. it’s truly insane how he could notice all of that now, with the way he touched him, the way he looked at him, how could he not notice this every time aroon had looked at him? every time he had touched him? he had no idea.

“you always want to be one step ahead of everyone else, hm?” he jokes with him, the idea of them just... formalizing their relationship already making him excited, way too excited. because that’s the thing, it’s the fact they’ve known each other for so many years, it’s the fact that realizing they love each other beyond friendship gives them the one step they need to take to make it formal, to make it known they’re each other’s boyfriend.

then, the words come pouring in. hyukjae just sits there, stares at him, allows him to speak, to touch him, to kiss him, and he’s overwhelmed in the best kind of way, leaning against his touch, returning his kisses, it’s a way he’s never felt before. because sure, he’s been in love, but he’s never been so much in love as he feels right now, there aren’t enough words in the dictionary to explain it.

“so difficult i ended up throwing my phone at you instead of confessing my feelings.” he explains, letting out a shy chuckle, always embarrassed at that thought, that stupid action. “that night, i... i knew it, i knew what i felt, i knew that the thing i had been struggling for months was that, the fact that i was in love with you. so i was going to let you know that night.” and all the time he speaks, he makes sure to look into his eyes, not daring to break eye contact, “but then the whole thing with my mom happened and then my mind just kind of remembered where you had been just moments ago and i was furious and jealous and i couldn’t take it and i lost it.” he leans forward, just enough to rest his forehead against aroon’s. “i really had no idea how to deal with any of it, i thought i was going insane.” so much he lost all ability to eat, to sleep, to smile, it had been for sure terrible times. 

he sighs, hands coming up to rest on aroon’s neck, thumbs brushing against his jaw, “you and i, always.” he says, because even as friends, it was an ‘always’ thing. the moment they became close, the moment they declared each other’s best friend, hyukjae bowed to adore aroon for the rest of his life, to be friends until the end of their days. “i don’t really want to remember any of those moments because i feel like if i tell you, you’re going to feel bad.” him being jealous about hooking up with one of his friends, him being jealous and crying over him when he caught him kissing someone else in chile, him coming home late, him not going out late at night to feed stray cats with him outside their dorm. there were so many things, and yet, did they matter at all anymore?

aroon is not sure of how long it takes for him to look up at hyukjae again, heart beating so fast he wonders if his friend can hear it. “hyukjae.” he raises to his feet, emotions now more or less under control, enough for aroon to say what he needs. “i’ve been in love with you for years.” those are not words aroon ever thought he would say, but here he is. here they are. “i’ve never loved anyone but you.” he smiles, one hand going to hyukjae’s cheek, an echo of the way he conforted his friend after his nightmare. his hand is trembling but aroon doesn’t care, nothing else matters in this moment but the two of them. “there’s never been anyone else for me, only you.” he says, feeling light. finally the weight has been lifted from his shoulders. “i love you.” how many times has aroon said that? but now, only now, hyukjae understands what he means. there is no need to hide anymore.

it’s almost like torture. sweet, agonizing torture. it’s silent, everything. them, the room, the dorm, even the street. hyukjae had always been good at identifying sounds, those coming from the outside world. sometimes the barking or meowing of stray animals, sometimes the early morning bird chirping, sometimes the sound of cars passing by the street. really, there was always something outside, except for today.

today is silent, almost as if the world had stopped just for them. however, hyukjae has no idea if this is a good thing or not. aroon is unresponsive, even having to sit down, eyes completely lost somewhere else. their hands are still intertwined and hyukjae refuses to let go. what is his best friend thinking about? about how pathetic he is? about which words he could use to turn him down in the most gentle possible way? he has no idea, but thinking about it sends a shiver down his spine, so much hyuk even has to shift around on his feet, as if warning his body to stay still and to resist whatever is supposed to come next.

aroon stands up, looks at him and then he makes a confession of his own as well. hyukjae just stares, in completely disbelief. he loves... him? him?! of all people, aroon banthao loves bae hyukjae? and for years at that? had he been hiding his love for him all this time? had he been afraid of speaking of about it? there were so many questions, so many things he wanted to say and ask, so many things running around his head like they were in a marathon and yet, he can’t bring himself to ask none of them, or say none of them. at least not now.

because in the end, it’s always hyukjae’s heart the one making the thinking. not his brain, not his life experiences, it’s always his heart. his eyes scan the face of the man he’s called best friend for years, of the one who held his hand and never let go, the one who protected him, who sheltered him. he looks at him and he feels his vision getting blurry. no, he’s not dizzy, he’s on the verge of tears. 

he smiles at him, a soft, weak, relieved smile. retrieves his hands from his only so he can place them on aroon’s neck, firm, warm, “i love you.” he repeats, this time, sealing his words as his head leans down and kisses him. he had missed doing this. except this time, there was certainty, not curiosity, not ‘best friend card’ justifications. this time he’s certain that he kisses him because he likes him, because he loves him, because he would do anything for him. 

he pulls back briefly before repeating, “i love you, i love you.” and he kisses him once again, twice. pulls back again, repeats the same words and kisses him. he doesn’t care about anything else, definitely not if someone walks in on them, definitely not about people in their lives. he loves him, sincerely, deeply, profoundly. the questions will come later. but for now? he wants this, him, only him. although he has no idea what the future will hold for them? he is certain he won’t let go.

aroon reaches for his hand and holds it. “i love you too, you’re my best friend.” he squeezes hyukjae’s hand and smiles. “you scared me, i thought you were going to say you didn’t want to talk to me anymore.” aroon doesn’t know how that would have been possible with the two of them working together but the possibility alone scares him. he gets up and holds hyukjae’s hands, they feel cold and clammy and aroon stares at him. something is still not right. “so… are we good?” he ask, uncertain. “you love me, i love you, we are friends again, right?”

“no.”

not like that. it’s not like that. hyukjae can’t help but understand how aroon would confuse things and see something else that really isn’t about. this, however, only fuels hyukjae with more fear than before, much more actually. because, well, if aroon had the same kind of feelings for him, wouldn’t he understand what hyukjae meant? wouldn’t he be quick to catch on that? after all, they do have that kind of special inkling with each other, don’t they?

perhaps said inkling, bond, connection or whatever you would call it was gone.

perhaps their relationship was too damaged for them to understand. for them to get their shit together now. he doesn’t exactly know and he doesn’t exactly wants to ask. but at the same time, even if he’s too fearful to keep going now, even if his gut is telling to just nod, smile and pretend everything is fine, that indeed they’re friends again, that no he had no intentions in telling him he no longer wants to talk to him? he can’t do it.

he needs to be honest. he needs to stop pretending. not only for the love he feels for him, but for himself. he needs to stay true to who he is, to him. hyukjae knows that as a person grows older, new things, new experiences, new whatever else you would call them will come to you. and this was that, this was the discovery of himself and embracing it was important. he thinks.

so he squeezes his hands back, tighter this time and just for a couple of seconds, “no, aroon. that’s not what i meant.” and he wants to get his point across, which as always, he has to do by switching languages. so he does, in english, he looks at him once again and utters his confession once more, “i love you.” places special emphasis on the word love, not only because he wants him to understand, but because that’s generally how he feels towards him, with special emphasis on how much he loves him.

“i am in love with you.” he says, finally. he looks into his eyes, then looks down at their hands, his own move so he can intertwine his fingers with his best friend’s and repeats himself, “i am in love with you. so, so in love with you.” and exhales. now that it’s out again, he feels like his chest no longer hurts, if anything, it feels stronger than ever. yet, he can’t figure out if it’s because of how much he loves him or because his body is now getting ready to hear some sort of rejection coming from him.

aroon told himself he would keep his distance, he would only let hyukjae sleep on his bed, but it’s impossible to have hyukjae so close and not touch him. aroon had always deemed himself strong willed to all things but his best friend and now it’s no different as he hugs hyuk from behind, closes his eyes and presses his lips on hyukjae’s shoulder. “let’s sleep now, you must be tired.” he whispers. aroon doesn’t like to sleep close to others, always tossing and turning on the bed, but for hyukjae he doesn’t move, stays as he is to make sure hyukjae feels good. if his friend can sleep well then not moving during his sleep won’t be that much of a sacrifice.

hyukjae always bragged about the fact he knew aroon more than anyone else. always bragged because he felt like there was a special connection between them, that kind of connection where you look at each other and you already know what the other is thinking, what the other wants, what the other needs and feels. he always took a lot of pride in that, but now… now he feels as if he lost it.

as if he lost that special gift.

because aroon is ending the distance between them. the physical first. and that’s something hyukjae didn’t know would happen, couldn’t even predict it. he’s coming close and he’s holding his hand back and their fingers are intertwined and it’s fine, no one is pulling away. he brings his body close to his, holds him close and rests his chin on his shoulder and hyukjae? hyukjae wants to cry again.

why did he have to fall in love with someone in a different league than his? someone so physically close, yet, so far from him. someone who could have anyone he wanted, anyone that is probably taller than hyukjae, or stronger, or more talented, or much more fun. who knows.

but here they are. close to each other, as close as they can be right now and hyukjae doesn’t know how to act. at first he’s stiff, not uncomfortable, just stiff. he’s trying to understand what’s happening, trying to process the way his body feels, the way his limbs go weak, the way his back is almost cramping, the way his blood boils and anger isn’t involved.

he’s in love and his body cannot stand it. it’s too much. too much to feel. too much to get used to.

but he doesn’t push away, he doesn’t move away, he stays still, closes his eyes and lets out a deep sigh. aroon speaks, hyukjae nods, “you’re right.” he pauses, “only you and i matter.” for once, for this moment, for this night, only they matter. to hyukjae & aroon, things never came down to ‘us’, it always came down to ‘us and them’. and right now, for the first time in weeks, hyukjae feels that’s how it is right now. it’s them against the world, as always.

“thank you.” he whispers back, head leaning down, pressing his face against his best friend’s neck, “i know things aren’t the same.” he says, with a special piercing heaviness in his heart, “but thank you for holding me up, for not pushing me down. people constantly do that to me, but not you.” he sighs, in essence; “thank you for taking care of me, hyung.”

and then he says it, “i love you.”

but it’s ambiguous, it’s something he’s said before many, many, many times, in different languages too. but right now he means it in a different way, in a more than different way. but he can’t explain it, he can’t bring himself to do so right now. he knows that he will, someday. because hyukjae is bad at hiding his feelings. but with aroon? that’s impossible. he knows he will know, but when? how? he doesn’t have an answer to that.

“good night.”