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@idontknowwhatelsetoput

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I think I'm In A Mood cause I'm just stewing, thinking about stuff that pisses me off.
rn I'm thinking about a specific thing I read about Jared Leto where he ~allegedly~ told a girl "if you fall asleep on my couch, you're gonna wake up with a dick in your ass" after making it pretty much impossible for her to leave his house in the first place.
and if it's true, then I want him dead so so so bad
(rumors and allegations about him started decades ago so I am inclined to believe it)
If you've ever lost your pet to the road, or driven by the near daily new corpses of dead cats along the sides of the highway, you may have wondered - how did they get there? Pulled to the side, gone but saved from becoming a pile of blood and fur and bait for unfortunate birds.
Its not the people who hit them. Pretty much ever.
Its me. And people like me. People who care enough to stop, on the way to work or in the middle of errands, to cradle this broken creature out of the reach of more voracious tires, and make sure that even though they cannot be saved their family has a chance to know what happened to them and bury them in one piece. People who have to wipe the fresh blood off their hands, shaking, and take the least distressing picture they can to post on local lost pet or neighborhood groups that they are gone, where they are, and you can contact me if you need to confirm.
When I am lucky, I get to deal in life and rescue a stray cat or lost dog from the highway instead. I've done that a lot. But there's always another dead cat. Sometimes dog, hair still fluffy and shiny. And you know what the common denominator is, nearly every single time I do hear from the owner?
They were outdoor cats or off-leash dogs. Almost always.
"Oh hes been fine off leash for years," well he was getting older.
"My cat just needs to be outside to be happy," well I pulled their damp, bloody fur away from the pavement and their spirits didnt seem high.
"Its always been ok before," that was due to chance and luck and skill and speed that even a single afternoon nap or bad day or speeding car can take away.
I could give you the statistics on the number of birds killed by cats in the US a year (over TWO BILLION, many endangered). I could give you the info on the way a single off-leash dog attack can traumatize even the best working dog for years, can take away people's service animals or turn their kids friendly pet to extreme reactive bombs. I could point out that the average lifespans of these animals are cut in half, that theyre at a hugely increased risk of disease and parasites, that they can CAUSE vehicular accidents (no one wants to hit Lassie), that they decimate other local wildlife.
But if none of that has ever made it click for you before that your dog can be just as happy on a long lead, or your cat inside with some levels to jump on and a tower, then let this be the thing that gets through to you:
The end of the line for your free roaming dog or cat is being crushed under oncoming traffic, by someone who will just keep driving. If theyre unlucky, death wont be instant - it will be painful and terrifying, far away from the people theyd look to for comfort. Their blood will pool on the pavement and dry in the afternoon sun, and only the rare few willing to shepard them to dignity in death will even stop and take pity.
I am tired of finding your mistakes and refusal to parent that which needs you to step up, littered on the highway. There is already so much grief in this world that is unavoidable, or at least could be in a better system, and I know you really truly do love them and thats WHY you've been doing what you think is best. But the data says that your animals free roaming are the surest way to hurt them, and to risk the lives of so many around them. And you have the choice, today, to decide if you want this end for them or a long and happy life.
They trusted you to make the decisions they didnt know better about. Stop. Letting. Them. Down. And to the very very few who didn't choose this as an option for them, whose beloved animals did escape instead of being willingly and repeatedly let loose, none deserve this but especially those and I send unending sympathy.
extremely unsexy of adhd to make me both very annoying and very sensitive to the concept of being perceived as annoying
rsd is absolutely insane because it will feel like someone is tearing apart the very core of my being, insulting everything i have done and will ever do, condemning me to death and simultaneously wishing i was never born, when actually they just didnβt like a song i showed them

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sold something on marketplace. Met buyer, very brief hi then plopped the item on their table, took the payment and practically ran away. I didn't even take the time to close my backpack.
WHY AM I SO AWKWARD
why am I getting worse :(
all the stuff I like doing is solitary and it makes it really hard to meet people.
What's happening near me? board game night? don't care. New bar? don't care. Sports? don't care. Special movie showings? I have movie at home.
it's like circle of consequences that goes "don't have friends -ΒΒΒ> forced to develop hobbies and lifestyle around being home alone -> don't leave home anymore -Β> don't meet new people"
I was like "I'm gonna work out, get my toe hair lasered, continue taking accutane. and once I finally look half decent I'll just pretend I'm not asexual and I'll be able to date like a normal person"
but then I remembered I am so so bad at sex and kissing lmao
I'll never date like a normal person. I'm too off-putting and complicated.

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I don't want my life to be a perpetual load of trying to recover from something after something and someone after someone. I don't want recovery to be all that I am.
asexuality (and maybe I'm aro too idk) isn't inherently lonely and depressing, but society makes it so.
I can't imagine healthy fulfilling relationships that aren't romantic and sexual because it's all I've been taught to expect from a very young age. And honestly I think a lot of allos don't either because a lot of them don't put the same value to their platonic relationships (aside from blood family) and completely crumple when they're single.
so yeah in the end it is lonely
the thing that sucks most about seeing my ex date is seeing the difference in their behavior
cause with me they were always too tired to do any chores after work. I basically scheduled everything arond the fact they would only do chores on their days off. Except for groceries because they surely could not leave the house on a day off! They have so little time to relax! But now they regularly set dates after work and come home past midnight. And on their days off too. As many as they can find!!! Always time and energy for DATES!!!!
it's even harder to rely on them doing chores now
I don't think they've given their cat's medicine a single time since they were prescribed (I've been doing it)
turning off the alarm on my glucometer because it's just none of my business at this point
you say you still care for me and want to live with me as long-term platonic life partners, but you're never home. and when you were finally home with me most recently, you made spontaneous plans to go on a date, even though I was actively trying to figure out food and a movie for us.

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I had to have my sick cat put down last summer, and I fear I'm gonna have another one go this summer. we already know he's sick, but he's lost even more weight recently. he's light as a feather!
he still had major zoomies yesterday and he doesn't seem in pain which makes me think he may not show any (behavioral) symptoms until the very last moment.
I'm also afraid he's gonna die at home. I don't know that I could handle waking up to a dead cat tbh. not that scheduling euthanasia is any fun, but at least there's someone to take away the body. last time I couldn't move aside from the fact I was violently shaking.
I made an impulsive and expensive purchase and it turns out we have no money at all and so obviously now I feel bad.
this was supposed to be something nice to look forward to but now instead I just feel guilty.
I shouldn't try to have nice things π«