The Chaos and The Calm @idkthinkingstilljustimpared - Tumblr Blog

I can’t stop checking even though I know I’ve been lied to and I know you think you’re playing me somehow. You’re telling me one thing as I am literally seeing you go and act the opposite way. I trust actions over words, even the really sweet ones. I don’t want to keep feeling my heart sink like a stone every time I find something I know I shouldn’t have to see. I was ready to leave everything that meant anything to me if it meant the chance at truly being happy in a way I had convinced myself was impossible. I told you all these fears and you seemed to calm them down until all of a sudden emotions got too involved and now I can’t stop hurting. I haven’t cried about it since I decided I was done but I might need to. Not for him but for me and my heart and reassuring myself the love I can give is something I deserve to receive too. I deserve to feel like each day is a beautiful blessing and to feel like the weather is happening around me for the first time again and I can smell all the changes in the air while feeling joy for the future and excitement to experience it all and wonder at being there in that moment when I could’ve been missing it. I want to feel the joy I know I can see in a box shoved to the back of the shelf in a tall closet I can’t quite get to…. Well this was everywhere but I guess that’s my brain dump for now

#my thougts #brain dump #emotional processing #saved photos this week #thoughts

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I have to remind myself that no one is worth losing myself in that quickly. I deserve their effort and their presence in my life to be something that doesn’t hurt or stress me out. i deserve to not second guess anything. I want them to be just as sure as I am and I’m tired of convincing people so I’m done doing that now. I will not take the disrespect and disregard for me and my emotions. If I can’t trust you I can’t keep talking with you. I won’t put myself through that anymore. If I can just make the decision to disconnect from you then it’s not because I don’t care… it’s because I cared and you didn’t.

#thoughts #i refuse to keep putting energy in where i’m not getting the same back #me myself and i #my thoughts #reminder

I knew you’d do it so at least this time I was ready. No matter how much I want you in my life I won’t feel like anything but your only choice. We’ve talked about it. I’ve cried about it. I refuse to do that again. So I’ll just block you and move on. It’ll suck but I know I can make it through this.

#my thougts #i refuse to keep putting energy in where i’m not getting the same back #i knew it i knew you #bpd feels #actually fml

Knowing better and doing better are two different things. I’m tired of teaching people that.

#thoughts

Reminders to self:

~No one should have enough influence over your emotions to ruin your day. If they do and they’re not caring for your heart seriously then they don’t deserve you or your tears.

~ You’re a bad bitch and you bring more with you into a relationship than just a pretty smile or some sexy photos. Don’t let some dumbass man make you feel like you’re anything less than perfect babe 😘

~ Take time offline. You’re not meant to be constantly consuming media. Just process for a bit. Take some time to catch up with yourself.

~ You don’t need to merge so completely with another human in order to be happy or safe. In fact it probably is better not to do that girlie 😂

~ Always do what makes you happy and if it’s not making you happy then think about letting it go even when it’s hard.

#my thougts #reminder #thoughts #i know better

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I am already feeling the anger grow and I don’t want to play games. You know what you’re fucking doing and I can choose to just disengage and you can find someone else to screw over because I’m tired of it always being me.

#watch me lose interest if you’re going to act like that #thoughts #I refuse to keep putting energy in where I’m not getting the same back

Guess I’ll just act like it didn’t matter…. Because explaining to you how much it hurt didn’t do anything

#thoughts #watch me lose interest if you’re going to act like that

I know better. I know better than to trust someone who has no reason to be honest with me. I know I should have learned this lesson the million of other times, but for some reason this felt different. I had just started to really feel like you were mine too is what’s killing me the most. Other people I knew were talking around to others or seeing other people so I wasn’t that attached. You though? You made me feel like I was your whole focus and obsession. Turns out the things I know about focus and obsession are true almost everywhere, and that is that no matter what someone says they will change over time. I don’t believe anyone or trust anyone anymore and I can’t tell how I feel about that yet. I’m sure I won’t stick to it for long but I’m trying to not feel like this all the time. That immediately took my breath and sent a rock to the pit of my stomach …. Why I thought you’d be different or why I thought I could trust someone I clearly don’t know that well is beyond me…

#thoughts #im hurtin #maybe it’s just the period #but I am over being disappointed over males

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