Didn’t Ask For This

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And the kids keep saying the most concerning shit.

Jason accidentally leaves a gun out and within reach?

"I mean, it's not like you've tried to shoot me yet. It's fine." From Danny and "That model has issues, why would you use that? Is this because of a deep-seeded belief that you don't deserve nice things? Do I need to take you to a gun shop?" From Jazz.

Dick turns too quick and almost stabs Danny?

"Mom's got better aim and sharper knives. Get good, scrub."

Damian's hidden weapons cache gets revealed when Jazz almost sticks an arm into it?

"The main issue is that you put it in a high traffic area, so I can only assume you were focusing too hard on making it an area you wouldn't go to. Let's sharpen these and scope out some better options."

Tim accidentally flips Danny when the visiting teen somehow manages to sneak up on him?

"Don't worry about it-I've taken heavier hits than that and walked away just fine."

Duke accidentally uses his powers in front of Jazz and temporarily blinds her?

"It's okay, Duke, I'm not mad at all. I can already see spots, so this isn't nearly as bad as those experimental Flashbangs."

So you've landed yourself a bunch of vigilantes. Good luck.

Snacks.

So many snacks

Seriously, they are all constantly hungry.

Make sure those snacks don't have walnuts, Tim's allergic.

Don't let Dick's sad puppy act fool you. He's vicious.

Don't interrupt Jason while he's reading.

Don't let anyone patrol without their third backup rebreather. This includes Jason, no, the helmet doesn't count.

Don't let Cass go too long without a mental check-in. She could be about to murder you and you wouldn't know.

There is very rarely somewhere where I am completely out of reach, but if I am, Tim knows more about the system than anyone else. He built it.

No, contrary to popular "belief," I am not omniscient. I don't understand how Jason thinks this can excuse any of his "accidental" oversights, but he'll try.

Bruce does need to sleep, sometimes. Not totally sure why he's so adverse, but he's only human. A human with a very strenuous life. Yeah, you might have to trick him into rest. Sticking a small animal or Damian on his chest usually works.

Don't let Tim listen to Mitski for too many hours at a time.

Kon-El is not allowed in Gotham, not after the incident. No amount of pleading will change that. I'm sticking to my guns on this one.

Cass reacts badly to the normal domino glue. There's a reason she doesn't wear the masks.

Duke knows everything and nothing, but don't push him for information. He knows what you need to be told.

Don't talk about Ethiopia.

Steph steals everyone's clothes. Careful.

Don't try to keep Selina out of the Manor. You won't succeed. You don't actually want to, anyway.

Never diss on anyone's costume. They are allowed to make fun of themselves. You aren't. The exception is Discowing. Especially don't mention any Robin suits before they had pants.

The rest of the family: