idontevenknowwhatthisis

im gonna vomit

i got a glock with your name on it

pacific rim, on blu-ray 

Rule #1: You owe absolutely nobody on the apps anything. Not a pic. Not a response. Nothing.

Rule #2: This is the digital equivalent of a gay bar in a lot of ways. And the block button is your friend, don’t be afraid of it. It’s not rude. It’s the digital equivalent of walking away from someone at a bar.

Rule #3: Read their profile before you message.

Rule #4: The squeaky wheel gets grease. The app is full of people waiting for someone to message them first. If you ain’t confident, fake it. Nobody can tell the difference. Eventually you fake it enough until you’re accidentally doing it for real.

Rule #5: Get to the point.

Want head? Wanna be my cumdump? Wanna adopt two cats and be monogamous and happy? We’re all looking for different outcomes and the faster you get to it the better. We are all busy. Get moving!

Rule #6: Not everyone responds instantly. Be patient. Go in without expectations regardless of what you’re looking for. Just cos Grindr says they’re online doesn’t mean they really are.

Rule #7: Understand that if you don’t share images with someone early on, and especially if you don’t have your face in you profile then you will have a difficult time making connections. Nobody wants to talk to a grey box.

Rule #8: Be positive, not negative. Don’t list the things you aren’t into. List the things that you want! If you want a load, say that! If you want a date, say that.

Rule #9: There is only one time when you kinda owe someone a message out of respect. If you say you’re on your way over or they’re heading your way and now you have to back out, you should let them know, especially if locations are given out. You don’t owe an explanation at all, simply “so sorry dude, but I gotta cancel.”

Rule #10: Don’t take it too seriously. Sure you could meet your husband or best friend on Grindr but chances are most days you’ll either get some dick or have a few nice conversations.

Rule #11: Do not make plans for sex. Just don’t. Don’t schedule a dicking down unless you two have already fucked before cos we can rarely predict how horny we will be at any given moment and the chances of ghosting or cancelled plans is like 97%.

Rule #12: Do not make date plans for anything past the same day or maybe the next day. Most times if you make a date a few days into the future one of you will lose interest before the date. Or they’ll text you nonstop for the nine days leading up to the awkwardly silent Starbucks coffee date on your lunch break.

These rules are just what I have come up with through my experiences with dating and hook-up apps so this is hardly gospel. Just some words that might help make your experience better.

my brain: