TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY

“i wanna hear the song! sexy and cheeky, sounds like my kinda song.” 

“isn’t that the truth?” aroon asks, flipping through the pages of her journal. he isn’t the best at reading notation, but all the aspects of music are fascinating to him, so aroon looks at the notes and tries to remember the little he has been taught over the years of training. “we should work on music together, i write and you compose.” midas may not let serena or any of the mayday girls have much say in production, but even them wouldn’t oppose to a joint effort that could be done in between promotions and at their free time.

aroon finds the song on his phone, now played to death, and plays it for her. “turns out that just ‘experimental’” at this he makes quotes with his fingers “is not enough for people to notice inferno, so midas is hoping me being a thot will bring some attention.” it could be a joke if aroon at least tried to smile as he speaks, but he doesn’t and it comes out dry and humorless. reality is rarely that much funny for idols.

“i mean, what did they expect from black on black, really? that shit is pure noise.” he takes a final sip of his drink and instantly gestures the waiter for a refil. his parents would be shocked if they saw their perfect son drinking like this outside of any social function, but no one can go through this job without any sort of addiction. aroon’s is a tame one in comparison to others. “my rap on that song is so stupid, honestly.”

it’s not like aroon only likes the songs he is involved in, of course not. there are songs midas gave them that he thinks are good independent on the public’s opinion – it’s almost never that favorable – but there is so much he can do to make himself enjoy some of midas’ choices for their singles. black on black had all the elements of a mistake, he knew it from the first time he heard the guide. too much instrumental noise, too many shifts in between rap and singing, weird lyrics. if anything the only saving grace is taewoo’s dance break, but someone listening to the song can’t see that, so everything is lost.

“lets give it a listen. what lyrical genius has inferno’s prince been concocting.” she grins at him in an expression that unfurls slow and lazy, a testament to the exhaustion inscribed like runes into her ribcage. tendrils of that malaise claw at the edges of her smile, drag it back into a grin, dampen her amusement with a muted haze. it’s a familiar feeling, the one of dulled senses and the struggle to keep one’s eyes fully open. she feels this way often, when she’s burning the candle at both ends, trying to satisfy her creative urges without allowing her performance to suffer. sometimes she wishes she could cut out the dancing all together - it’d make things a lot easier - or at least just slow down the pace of all of this. like the world is spinning too quickly and she’s a hamster on a wheel, forever sprinting but never moving from the same place. 

a place like this feels like home for aroon.

juniper’s studio is tiny and different from the large midas studio he usually works at, but he doesn’t mind. big or not what matters is the music they make. this is the part of the job he likes, the one he doesn’t mind spending hours upon hours on – much to hyukjae’s distress. there is no need to pretend here, no need to play the prince or the nice guy or whatever midas wants him to be. there is just juniper and him, brought together for a common love and mutual appreciation.

“i don’t know, but you look cute like this,” aroon says, smiling at her. he spins the chair around, brushes his fingers through his now blond hair. at her request he turns to the computer, looking through the audio files on the hard drive he brought. they are all well organized by dates and plans and this and that, sometimes aroon thinks his own system is too complex for a bunch of demos, guide tracks and uncooked beats that make no sense for anyone but him, but it is what it is.

“i barely finished my debut song and they put me back on writing camps to work on inferno stuff, but it’s not like i’ll refuse royalty money, so there’s a bunch of songs that still need a lot of work.” out of everyone juniper knows how this works. you finish one thing and they give you another, and another and another and if you’re lucky they will mediaplay your involvement with the whole process in order to raise your profile.

“Excuse me, you’re in my way.” 

you’re the one who asked for this, it’s what aroon tells himself.

in this aspect midas coaches had been explicitly truthful with him from the get go. it won’t be easy, it won’t be glamurous, there will be many hardships and moments you will want to quit. your job is not only rapping and it doesn’t end when you arrive home. it’s a continuous, 24/7 job to keep the appearances, to do things you won’t like, to talk to people who you won’t like and who won’t like you either, but you will power through it because maybe, just maybe, in the end it will be worth it.

now aroon isn’t sure if inferno is worth all this investment, he isn’t sure if midas sees them like that. but hyukjae is. he is worth every bad moment and more. so if aroon can’t find the motivation to work hard on his own career for himself then he will work for hyuk, so in the future when they are older and the idol life no longer suits them they can live a comfortable life together.

this is the only thing in his mind when aroon arrives at the station. running on three hours of sleep and back from a one day filming at his home country – and here there’s a silverlining, seeing his parents and sleeping at his own home – aroon wishes he could go back to the dorm and sleep. but this is just the beginning of a very important solo promotion period and aroon has a full month full of solo appearances and festivals with inferno. rest will be a foreign concept for him in the near future.

his manager says something about another guest, but aroon is too tired to understand and so he only nods, sure he can work with anyone they put by his side.

except this someone is im changmin.

he looks at the his ex – can that label even apply here? – and sighs. changmin is a professional, they don’t need to talk, they can only interact in front of the cameras, no problem. his make up done and a few minutes to kill before they start shooting aroon decides to take a breath of fresh air outside. except there was changmin again. well, isn’t life great?

“i’ll hurry, she needs to be strong.” he says, looking at aroon, then back at the cat, “this is min, she gave birth not too long ago. she was always around with her big belly and everything. i fed her many times, told her to come back whenever,” he explains, free hand lovingly petting the black cat’s fur, “but i’m worried about her babies. i wish i knew where they are so i can support her through it. they’ll need food eventually. maybe as they grow old she can bring them here,” the cat is done, moves to rub her still slightly chubby little body around hyukjae’s hand, purring in pure appreciation. “you take care of your babies, alright? and bring your friends too, it’s been some time since i haven’t seen soo, chin, yeo and suk. hope you’ve been staying out of trouble.” he pauses, looking back at aroon and stares at him for a moment, “i’m done, i’m all yours now.” a soft smile adorns his features as he says so, slowly getting up and grabbing the bags aroon had previously carried. “let’s go.”

when aroon moved to seoul he had no idea of how his life would be, all he knew was that he would fight with everything in him to become an idol. he never had big expectations with this job, never imagined himself living a glamurous life – if he wanted that he would have stayed in thailand and lived the heir life reserved for him. but this life, the domesticity of finding hyukjae feeding cats, of doing it together, is something aroon never imagined he would have, but something he doesn’t want to let go of.

“maybe we can look around for them some night? if she’s here the babies can’t be too far.” aroon muses, entering the building with hyukjae. he knows that hyuk will never change his ways, knows that no matter how many times they are yelled at he will continue to feed the strays, will continue to work with animals because this is his true love, his true calling in life. “isn’t it dangerous? i don’t want anyone to hurt the kittens.”

as they wait for the elevator at the empty lobby aroon dares to wrap his arm around hyukjae’s and lean his head on his shoulder. sometimes he wonders if there is such thing as too much love, if at some point what he feels for hyuk could develop into something else, something ugly and dangerous. is he too obsessed with his boyfriend? with being closer to him? aroon is too intense in his feelings when it comes to hyuk, has always been, can’t change his ways.

but when they are like this, together in silence, aroon can’t think of anything else he could be doing, no one else he would rather be with. maybe if he explained it to another person they would say it’s just the early stages of a relationship, that soon they will fall into a routine, get tired of each other. but aroon has been in relationships before, long ones at that, and never, ever, he felt like this.

the inferno dorm is a place aroon knows better than anywhere else. even in the dark he knows where the shoes are, where to put his – in between hyukjae’s, and woosung’s – and how to walk without turning on the lights. he has been a bit dettached from the group the past weeks, working on his solo, training by himself, on a different schedule than the other boys. the loner in him can’t complain, unless when it comes to hyukjae.

they barely close the door behind them and aroon is wrapping his arms around hyukjae’s neck, pulling him down into a kiss. “i missed you,” he whispers when they move apart. it seems like such a dramatic thing to say when they only spent a couple of hours away from each other, but it’s always how aroon feels when they are not together.

Not the most helpful, but better than nothing he supposes. He glances from the corner of his eye to gauge the response, takes a small sip of his drink and nods. “I’m sorry” He mumbles again, quiet enough that the manager can’t make out the words, features more apologetic now. “I know how much you don’t like doing this.” As the stream begins he takes a moment to compose himself, to slip into his given persona. By the time people begin streaming in he manages to force a wide grin and an enthusiastic greeting.

the first thing aroon learned about his groupmates was that he would have to change his ways if he wanted their time together to be peaceful. so aroon adapted to them, learned how to read them well, taught them how to read him. they work like a well oiled machine and he can’t remember a time where they had any sort of trouble because of their personalities clashing.

so he knows that it’s unfair to be like this with taewoo, that he, much like aroon, is just another puppet on midas’ hands, waiting for his strings to be pulled and hoping they go in the right direction. but a part of him, an ugly, mean part of him, wishes that they would grow a backbone too, that they would question more things too, that they would be more involved with music so midas would at least think of giving them more producing and writing, that taewoo would take a like for choreographing their singles.

aroon doesn’t say a word, doesn’t think about this when they go live. instead he greets the fans, waving to the camera while taking a sip of his coffee. “it’s a hot day today, remember to drink lots of water, matches!” he says as they wait for more fans to join the stream. aroon knows this game well, that’s why he excels in it. he knows how to make his qualities look better and to hide his flaws so the fans will always love him, and boy, how much does he love it.

he moves forward to read some comments, reading the you two look so cute, you look so handsome!, where are the others?, the usual they always get. aroon loves it, the praise, the attention, how much people from different parts of the world are willing to do for him. “the others are busy practicing, it’s short line’s vlive today.” he jokes, bumping shoulders with taewoo.

“we missed our matches, so we just did to say hello, ask how you guys are doing.” aroon doesn’t miss them, not really. sure, he likes his fans, he is greatful they bother to listen to their songs and vote for them on things, but he doesn’t have strong feelings for them, not like the other members. “isn’t our taewoo looking cute today?” he asks, pinching taewoo’s cheek lightly. from behind the camera their manager does a thumbs up. “i know, i know, he looks cute every day.”

today was a dull day indeed. 

here’s the thing, aroon can be bitchy sometimes.

he was born with no patience, was raised to be self centered, never had anyone sugarcoat things for him, never sugarcoated things for others. moving to seoul he didn’t expect to make friends, he expected to debut and be famous, liking the other 1nferno boys was just something that happened along the way.

another thing, aroon is loyal to a fault.

the boys get on his nerves sometimes, even hyukjae, but they are his boys, only aroon is allowed to talk shit about them because he knows their weak spots and he keeps them covered. he wouldn’t allow anyone to do the same about them, not in front of him anyway.

in comes hojin. they were friends, aroon thinks. they hung out together and they had a good time every time they met, everything was cool until it wasn’t. because aroon is bitchy, loyal and competitive and what’s the idol industry if not an endless competition? a race to see who breaks what record first?

so they are pitied against each other, not directly, but their groups are. and honestly, aroon hates that his songs are compared to whatever the hell brite is singing. not that they are bad songs, but what kind of image is that? ( “it doesn’t matter, they are both flops.” reads a comment online and aroon has to agree with atlasgirl69. )

fastforward a couple of months and here they are, with hojin passing by aroon as if they don’t know each other. the audacity this kid has, really. there is an unsettling feeling in his heart, something that makes his chest ache. aroon doesn’t know at what point they lost each other, doesn’t know how much of the blame is his, but he expected more from hojin, but maybe their friendship wasn’t that strong, who knows.

her jealousy spiked. even with profane lyrics and a daring sort of flair, aroon banthao had earned the support of the company as well as a prominent senior – she could only imagine how much her career would implode if she had so much as uttered a swear word in public, much less a recorded release. stubbing out her cigarette and immediately lighting a new one, serena pouted and whined the way that would make mayday fans swoon. 

“i’m jeeaaalous.” 

“i don’t even know where we are with our debts, i’ve been living of my parents’ allowance since i moved here. i suppose i have less because of the songs copyrights, i dunno.” because god forbid aroon spent his life without going to expensive places and buying expensive things. he was born into money, he knows no other life. 

“look at it this way, the longer it takes them to give you a solo or anything like it the longer you have to work on your songs and learn how to make midas approve them.” it’s what aroon did. he studied his seniors, studies midas’ marketing plans and strategies, talked to producers and lyricists until he molded himself into something they would promote. being an idol is less about talent and more about making yourself useful in whatever capacity you can.

“can you imagine me singing a ballad?” he chuckles. “no, it’s a love song. kinda. midas suddenly thinks i’m growing to be sexy, so it’s kinda cheeky. do you want to listen to it?” he asks, picking his phone.

aroon likes the song, of course he does. his feelings are irrelevant, but he does enjoy it. he wrote the lyrics to try something different, wondering if they could use it for 1nferno, but midas took one look at it and discarded it as a group song. now that he thinks about it aroon agrees, he can’t imagine them singing this.

he places his phone over the table, offers serena his ipods and plays the song for her. by now he knows every note of it, knows the runtime by heart. “midas made me change all the gender neutral pronouns for girl, of course.” he tells her when it’s over. “i think i lost my soul around the third or fourth time i had to say it.”

“so i just want to focus on you. on me. on us.” vaguely remembers the ‘handbook’ chanyeol mentioned, the one about not dating a group mate, but hyukjae can’t help it, won’t help it, and simply gives in. “i’m glad you’re my boyfriend because i refuse seeing you walk away from me ever again.” he pauses enough to press a kiss on his lips, softly, “mine. i just want you to be mine.”

“you know that they don’t matter, right?” aroon asks right away. “the other guys i hooked up with, they don’t matter. they were only a way for me to distract myself, to not think about you.” he wonders how could he be so blind, so deep inside his own version of the reality that he didn’t notice hyukjae’s jealousy was not the type of a best friend. looking back at that night he should have seen it, the way hyukjae seemed distressed, he should have seen the signs. and aroon always prided himself of being so perceptive, of knowing hyukjae like no one else.

aroon kisses him again and again, knows he will never get tired of kissing hyukjae. “it doesn’t matter anymore, what happened before. all that matters is from here, now, to the future.” he had built a different future for himself in his mind, one that he will now gladly kick aside for a version that includes hyukjae in it, one in which they are still best friends, they will always be, but are so much more than it.

he laughs against hyukjae’s lips, hands going to his shoulders. “you’re not getting rid of me, hyukjae. we’re going to be together for a long, long time.” he rubs his hands on hyuk’s shoulders and down his arms. aroon is afraid of breaking contact and it all being a dream, he is afraid of ending this moment and it not being real. he knows that they will have to go back to their reality eventually and it won’t be this loving and cheesy, but it’s still going to be the two of them, together, and that’s what matters. “this came out like a threat but you know what i mean, we’re back where we belong, with each other.”

there is a moment of silence as aroon looks at him and smiles, unable to to stop. it seems so pathetic, to give someone else so much power over his happiness, but it’s hyukjae. the best person aroon has ever met, gentle, sweet hyukjae who would never hurt him, who aroon can trust his life with. there is no one more reliable than his now boyfriend and he knows it.

and that’s the thing, isn’t it? hyukjae has dropped a lot of things in his life, plenty of sacrifices, plenty of missed chances and that’s all fine. but losing the man he loves? that’s not a choice.

aroon didn’t count how much time they went without kissing but he knows it was far too much. he kissed other men in the meantime, sure, but no one could ever replace hyukjae. that is the thing, isn’t it? that is how he knows that hyukjae is it for him, that he could never love anyone else. because aroon kissed many different guys over the years expecting to feel the same thing he felt when he kissed hyukjae, expecting to find hyukjae in them, and it was never the same, it never came close to it.

it never came close to this, to the way his heart beats fast and his fingers tremble when he holds hyukjae’s face, to how aroon feels his mind going blank when their lips touch. they say you’re supposed to feel fireworks with the person you love, but aroon never agreed with it. there are no explosions under his eyelids when he kisses hyukjae, there is nothing but calm, peace in a way he hasn’t felt in weeks. 

this, aroon thinks, is love, real love. he doesn’t need to overthink it, all the questions he had in his mind thrown away the moment they kiss. hyukjae and him understand each other in ways no one else can, even now. he smiles against hyukjae’s lips, laughs in between kisses, holds him close. if anyone were to come into the room now aroon is sure they both look very stupid holding each other as if they just reunited for the first time in years instead of a few weeks, but aroon doesn’t care. no one knows what goes between them, it has always been them against everyone else.

aroon holds his face and pulls away enough to look at hyukjae, every detail on his expression. he wants to remember this forever, the way hyukjae looks at him, the happiness in his eyes. it’s his and only his, this look, this feeling, hyukjae doesn’t feel the same about anyone else. aroon has always been so selfish when it comes to his best friend, there is no reason to change now.

“you didn’t ask it yet but the answer is yes, i will be your boyfriend.” aroon smiles and pulls hyuk down for another kiss. he sounds like he is joking, but hyukjae will know aroon is very serious. hyukjae knows everything about him, after all. knows every quirk and every voice tone and every desire and now, no matter how cheesy it sounds in his own mind, aroon desires nothing but to be with him.

“i’m sorry if this ruins our friendship.” if he makes him feel a certain kind of way to the point aroon would feel uncomfortable being around him. he doesn’t want their friendship to go to hell at all but, it’s not like he could keep his feelings to himself. now that it’s out, the best he can do is try to bury what he feels until he’s out of love, no matter how long that would take, no matter how torturous it could be as they have to spend most time together. he would do it, but he couldn’t keep lying to himself, couldn’t keep lying to aroon either. “i just needed to let you know, because there’s no one else that means more to me than you.”

aroon opens his mouth, but no words come out but a “oh” as he stares at hyukjae. oh indeed.

“i need to sit.” and that he does, his hand still holding hyukjae’s as if afraid if he ended the contact his friend would disappear or say it was nothing but a prank, which, aroon knows, makes no sense because hyukjae would never prank him with something like this.

he never allowed himself to think at such thing happening and now that he is confronted with the reality of the situation aroon doesn’t know what to do or what to say. loving hyukjae has always been part of him, a defining trait of sorts. his love was always there, dormant, inside his chest and ready to come to the surface at the most innocuous moments. when hyukjae cooked his favorite breakfast, when he played chess with aroon or late night when he sang for aroon to sleep.

it was always there, making his chest ache every time he looked at hyukjae; the certainty that he would never love anyone this much, that there was no one else for him but hyukjae. in his darkest moments, when aroon wished it wasn’t like this, that he loved someone else, he would convince himself that he was nothing but a boy being dramatic. he was too young to understand love, too unexperienced in life to know what true love was. and yet his feelings for hyukjae never changed, not when he dated other people, not when he called aroon best friend, not even when hyukjae and him fought. it was always there and aroon was afraid it would always be.

and here hyukjae is, as sincere as always, saying those words with the bravery aroon always lacked. it makes sense, hyukjae has always been too transparent, too impulsive to have any secret for too long, unlike aroon who calculated every move, every word, who lived his life as a chess board. guess it’s zugzwang for him now.

but he is confident. so he confesses.

“i love you.” it comes out, firm, strong, no stutter, no hesitation. “i love you, aroon.”

not more than a few moments pass between hyukjae asking to talk to him and the two of them sitting in their beds, but aroon feels it’s an eternity. it’s not bad, not as tense as their other meetings have been, at least that. there is awkwardness that was never there, but it’s not exactly bad, just different. aroon doesn’t understand what is happening with hyukjae, but he wanted to talk and aroon sees it as a start of their friendship being restored.

maybe another time he would have been nervous, but he doesn’t feel anger coming from hyukjae, so different from the last time they spoke, nightmare night not included. it had been awkward too, after that. aroon woke up first and spent far too much time looking at hyukjae, wishing they would still be friends, that things would go back to the way they were.

this, however, is different. the way hyukjae behaves, the way he stays silent for a time that is too long for aroon, who can’t do anything but wait until he is ready to speak his piece.

even his voice sounds different and aroon feels as if this is someone else. he was always able to understand hyukjae in a way no one else could, to look in his eyes and know what his friend wanted – how many times had they scared the other 1nferno boys by saying things no one else understood? – but now he doesn’t understand what is happening, but whatever it is aroon will work with hyukjae on it.

aroon watches as hyukjae walks to him, watches as he speaks, but he doesn’t understand. “i know,” he says, because of course he does. he remembers the first time hyukjae said it to him, i love you, so honest and unafraid. he wasn’t in love with hyukjae back then, but it still made him feel different, maybe it was an indication of what would happen. back then aroon was a kid raised into the idea that no love would be denied for him, that of course people would love him, and yet when hyukjae said he felt different. “you’ve told me this a thousand times before, hyukjae.”

“because you keep me human.” not a monster. not a monster like his father. “only you.” and right there, he wonders if aroon is aware of the power that he holds. if he didn’t, now he does.

aroon watches as hyukjae lies down and follows him. he makes himself as comfortable as possible in the small space of his bed, turning the light off and lying besides hyuk. it’s not the first time they share a bed, how many times have them fallen asleep next to each other, too used to each other to mind. how many times has aroon laid there, awake as he listened to the sound of hyukjae’s breathing, wishing he could kill the love he feels?

the bed is too small for both of them, but aroon is afraid of getting close and scaring hyukjae away. mostly he is scared of getting close and not being able to let go, of breaking down in front of hyuk. aroon pulls the covers over himself and turns to look at hyukjae in the darkness of their room. he can make the contours of his friend’s face as he speaks, feels hyukjae reaching for his hand.

it has always been normal between them, the physical affection. aroon is a touchy person, hyuk is too, but now his touch seems to burn. they have been apart for so long – anyone would say it wasn’t all that, they still live together, still work together, but aroon would tell them that it’s not the same – aroon doesn’t know what to do with himself.

he knows everything about hyukjae. every flaw, every quirk, but mostly, aroon always knew how hyuk feels about his father, their history. he wishes he could erase it from hyukjae’s memory, leave only the good memories he has with his mother, end the hurting. but it’s not possible and all he can do is listen to hyukjae and assure him that he would never be like his father. it’s impossible, aroon knows, in this world there is no one better than bae hyukjae.

you keep me human hyukjae says and aroon wants to kiss him. if this was before aroon would be doing it by now, would be saying don’t think about it as he pressed his lips on hyukjae’s, but that was before, this is now. now they are broken and aroon knows there is a wall between them. this, whatever this moment is, won’t be the same during the morning.

so aroon doesn’t kiss hyukjae, but instead he comes closer, thumb caressing the back of his hand. “it’s okay hyukie, you didn’t mean it.” aroon repeats, tries to look at the details of hyukjae’s face. aroon can’t help himself and he moves even closer, wraps his arm around hyukjae’s body, hands still intertwined, and leans his chin on hyuk’s shoulder.

“don’t think about it anymore, okay?” he whispers against hyukjae’s ear. “it’s in the past, it doesn’t matter. all that matters is you and i, and we’re here now.” aroon knows it won’t be the same when they wake up, knows they won’t magically go back to be friends, doesn’t know if they can, but for now all he wants is for hyukjae to take this weight from his shoulders. “i don’t trust anyone, but i trust you to not hurt me. i know you would never, ever hurt me, hyukie.” there was never a doubt in aroon’s mind that hyukjae is the person he can trust the most, even now as they are not friends anymore.