Certified Penis Petrifier

straigt up one marvle they are smaller and less harmful than a bowler ball.

bpd (borderline puppy disorder) is when youre a puppygirl but not a therian

"save me, substance abuse!" i cry. before you can moralize to me about the dangers of addiction, a noble and powerful steed gallops into the room - my horse whom i have named "substance abuse". you learn an important lesson about making assumptions. i snort a line off its back

i dont think that northernlion would be saved by estrogen nor needs it nor would get anything out of it but i must say the banter that would come out of the transition would be unparalleled

[opening monologue] chat i gotta hand it to you. i know it's all been said before but those salt cravings really do hit you. i was on the Peloton® today and was just absolutely struck with the urge to lay waste to en entire jar of gherkins. [intro slide clicks] have we got daniella in here yet The above brief aside then returns hours later as a monologue turned 5 minute rant that leads to her screaming at a chatter over poor taste in condiments when a Vlasic product comes up on Costcodle

The celebrity Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavors being some of the best ones is like the retail equivalent of having to go to a restaurant and order a rootin tootin yeehaw cowboy burger or something

little miss awful body temperature regulation is taking his hoodie off again

little miss awful body temperature regulation has put his hoodie back on

wizard college is going to kill me I swear to god. I just saw someone without a component satchel reach into their pocket and pull out a handful of LOOSE tapioca to use as a substitute for blood in their fell ritual. and it worked. I've never been so fucking mad.

you know that post that's like "if thinking naruto would be proud of you for brushing your teeth gets you to brush your teeth go for it" well today i texted my friends and asked them to pretend to be wizards sending me on a grand quest to eat lunch and buy hand soap and it worked so well i put a load of laundry in and did the dishes too so. i don't know what the lesson is here but maybe give that a try

when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. when all you have is a paintbrush, everything looks like a canvas. when all you have is a cock, everything looks like the exhaust pipe of a 2014 honda civic. so yes, to answer your question, i am stuck. please call the emergency services