Nonconformist Counter Culturist

2024.7.24 22

Dear Self,

You made it! 22 thriving years. No cuts for this long. I am proud of you though emotions are bigger and stronger, you held strong.

Self, always remember that you are not alone. When times come and loneliness creeps in, allow yourself to feel it and get through it. God is with and walks with you through this.

Don’t be scared. You have everything you need. You are so much better than you think you are.

Be more prayerful each day. Be more grateful each day. Trust that you can do everything you want to do and achieve all that you want to achieve if you put your heart and mind to it without forgetting your Lord, Jesus Christ.

Always dedicate and give back all the glory to Him. You cannot do it alone but with Him you can do everything.

Loving you a little bit more each day,

2024.7.20 Into the Unknown

There is so much to say but few words to describe things at the moment.

23rd. Drunk. Tired. Happy. Sad. Frustrated. Hopeless. Hopeful. Grateful. I don’t even know anymore.

Here’s me, sharing my piece/s.

Hoping to see glimmers of hope in the unknown.

2024.5.23 Moved out.

It’s been almost a month and a half since I moved out from the Land of the Rising Sun to the Land of the Free.

Life is still the same : ups, downs, twists, turns and everything in between. In all these, I am beyond grateful for what the Lord has done.

For now, I leave this post open to log how life had been 6months ago up until today.

I don’t normally give up on things that are hard for I am me. I don’t pretend to be like everyone else. I am who I am, not who people think I am. I don’t have time for drama (but somehow is always caught by drama). If you don’t like who I am, then that’s alright. I am not living for people (anymore). I am living for myself and for God who has his arms around me all the time.

I’ve built walls around to ensure I never get hurt again, but now I know I should trust the right people. I shouldn’t put my energy into meaningless relationships and toxic people. I know my worth and won’t settle for less than I deserve.

Today, I have witnessed how God has his hands around me from sparing me of trouble for the activities I have set out for my kids to enjoy Halloween which didn’t sit right with everyone at work. But God had me protected.

Then, I am supposed to have breakfast with co-workers tomorrow which won’t happen anymore because my boss cancelled the plan today. Which I am grateful because I don’t want to be around people whom I can feel ingenuity.

I do not need to be perfect to be loved and lovable. It is okay to stand-up for my peace.

- a great reminder for me today specially with the crazy things going on at work.

This weekend has been very funny and annoying at the same time. I am not okay (the least to say). I was frustrated at work. People just do not know how to work well with others. I’m tired. Is it me? Is it them? I don’t know. If it’s me, somebody tell me. I would be more than happy to listen and change if it is really needed.

All I can say is I put my hope in the Lord for all of these.

Today as I was changing my earrings before bed. I saw my anchor earrings, 2 pairs of it. I also got an anchor necklace and a cross hoops.

It remind me that the anchor of my hope is Christ for He alone is my savior and my salvation.

I also remembered that the cross reminded me the without Christ, I will not be able to come to God. I will not be reconciled with God without Christ. He alone is my savior and my king. How privileged am I to called His child, his princess. I may not be a princess here on earth but my crowns are in heaven and while I am here on earth, tonight I pray that God continue to guide me and hone me to be the godly woman he desired for me to be. I also pray that he continues to remind me that I am His. Life here on earth is not easy but then again I am here for a purpose and for whatever it is and however it may be, I pray that I continue to do good to glorify His name.

Again, thank you Lord Jesus Christ for reminding me that the anchor of my soul is You.

It’s been over 100 days since you left for San Diego on LIMDU orders.

Today, I sit on the same bench where we had our last random date in Hiroshima. It’s been a while but I’m looking forward to more dates with you in the future where we will never be apart from each other.

Looking ahead to God’s promise for us to be together again in the future where wherever is best as long as we are in each other’s arms.

I firmly believe that God’s working in both you and I for the better, for each other and for us to honor him in our marriage and just by trusting Him with his plans for us, doing what we ought to do at work and wherever our feet may bring us and the work of our hands. We just have to make sure we reflect His love and grace towards each other and to whoever God has placed in our lives as friends and colleagues.

I pray that may our Lord, Jesus Christ, continue to bless you in everything that you do and that you will be His vessel of love and grace. I know it’s not easy but nothing comes easy following Christ. But I need you to always remember that your reward is in heaven so continue to get through the tides just like God’s disciples and I will never stop praying for you, because it is the only thing I can do.

Thank you for putting up with me and the pleasure to be called your wife. I miss you and I will wait for you. I love you, Moises.

2023.8.8 Dandelions

Recently came back to doodling but I don’t think this is a doodle, I don’t know art. I’m not good as it but I try because it’s interesting. Sketch here, sketch there, sketch everywhere.

These are the few I’ve made during my first week of summer vacation.

I owe this to the Man above who allows me to have creations like these.

2023.8.3 Singular-Plural

Just realized that this year marks my 10th year teaching basic English grammar. It feels nostalgic and humbling to look back and see how far I have come.

I still remember my first few classes where I had zero confidence of doing. The fact that I had no teaching degree and a very short experience of teaching university students about news writing and editing do not make me qualified for the job. Despite all these, it is only by God’s grace and mercy that I passed the training period in just a week and was immediately put to nesting. From basic grammar to business English advancing to TOEIC AND TOEFL and had a taste of teaching IELTS. All these in a little more than a year and got promoted to become an Assistant Team Leader to becoming the Team Leader in 3 months of being an assistant and finishing as a Trainer in less than 2 months. Transferred to a different company which eventually lead me to coming to Japan to teach TOEIC, JET and EIKEN.

In coming 8years living in the Land of the Rising Sun, I am still a teacher. Not just an English Teacher but a second mom to kindergarteners. It has been a wild ride so far and life does get a lot sweeter when leaving everything to the Man who has orchestrated everything from the beginning.

All I can remember is praying for a job that will allow me to honor and glorify God’s name and I am living it now. Sometimes, we don’t realize that the life we are living now used to be the prayers we pray for long time ago.

God truly answers prayers, in His time.

2023.7.23 Dates

Never got used to dates. In any form of dates. But today was a date to remember. My husband and I went on a date online. His dinner time, my lunch time. It’s one of my core memory now. I am truly grateful for my husband taking initiative on having this date. Dressed up (kinda) and got food delivered, of course he paid for my food (something I’m still not used to). I thank God for allowing us to spend this time together. More than 2 months into marriage and counting. The best is yet to come for both of us.

Letters to my husband.

Moises,

My dearest love. Time flies so fast but everything still feels like the same when we first met. My love for you has grown each day, regardless of time and distance. Today, I appreciate you so much for making time for our date. It’s still surreal that we are now passed 2 months of our marriage. Thank you for everything you do for us and thank you for always having faith in us and in our Lord Jesus Christ. May our Lord continue to bless this marriage as we move forward and may we continue to seek God and put him in the center of our lives and in our marriage. Thank you for making me feel a priority. Thank you for having me in your life. Thank you for the privilege you have given me as your wife. You may call me your half but I pray for you to be whole in Christ. I cannot be your half, I am whole in Christ. I’m not perfect but I am made perfect by my imperfections, I wouldn’t be the wife that I am today if it weren’t because of the imperfections. May we continue to be one in Christ as the days go. As promised in our vows, I will always choose to stay the same way God stayed in my life. I love you and I cannot wait to be in your arms again. I miss you so much.

Always and forever,

Half of the year has gone by and today is just another appointment day at the base. It’s crazy how far have I gone through. I never thought I would be doing these things.

A lot has happened in 6 months. I got to travel with my then boyfriend now husband without having to think about money because he paid for everything. Okay background story before we left for that winter break, we got into a fight and it really scared me but I surrendered immediately. My husband found out that I was still talking to my ex and he didn’t like it. We have very different mindset about relationships, I used to think there’s nothing wrong with still being friends with your ex but then I realized how hurt my husband was and he literally told me “I am not an option!”. That was my awakening. I immediately said sorry because in that instant God told me to surrender it to him and I did. My husband and I prayed together and he stayed. Fast forward, here we are : married.

Married. Wow. It’s a word I have been longing for a long long time and God has truly fulfilled his promise. I knew then that it was undeserved grace for me when my husband chose to stay and fought for us giving us another chance. I knew it wasn’t just my husband, I knew it was God and I thank God for allowing my husband to stay and for allowing us to enjoy what we have now.

Tomorrow, we will be 2 months married. When God moves, he moves in mysterious ways. I never thought I would be married to someone whom I’ve only known less than a year.

3 months of knowing each other through email, decided to date each other, spent 3 weekends together before he goes back to a 4 month deployment and back to emailing each other again everyday (this time). Came back from deployment, spent weekends together before our actual trip to Kansai area. Spent Christmas together, enjoyed the snow in Hiroshima, met his friends, met my friends, enjoying each other’s time. Then talked about what I mentioned above and went on a trip. Known each other better. Talked about the future, started talking about getting married. Timelines and plans. He tested positive for H. Pylori, got more serious about getting married and timelines where and how are we going to make the paper work. Started to do the paperwork through his command and it didn’t work, got led to a person who was also processing the same thing as we do. He was taught how to do the online ceremony and it’s legal. Prayed about it as it was going fast and decided to get married. Engaged and I broke the ring and he was just laughing coz the ring was cheap so it didn’t really bother him. I cried but he laughed. I had to get it fixed and I couldn’t find a place to get it fixed. The day before our wedding, we went out late to find our rings, engagement ring included. He chose the ring I wanted, I didn’t need a fancy one. I don’t need big stones. I just want to get married and we did. He got orders to go back to the states. We were left with just a month to spend time together and before his flight. Sent him off to fly through a military plane back to the states. Spent the night together before his flight traveled for an hour to get to the airport and saw my kids in school while in train. He looked happy to see my kids and wasn’t even bothered when I spent 20mins talking to my kids. He’s the sweetest. He left and now it’s been almost a month since he left and I am just truly grateful for what the Lord has done to my life. Insurmountable blessings over blessings in the first half of 2023. I don’t know what is in-store for us in this second half of the year.

But all glory to God. We will continue to pray and hope and have faith that God will bring us back to each other’s arms. For now, we just want to spend more time talking and resting our case in our God’s hands.

2023.5.31 New Chapter

Wonderful May! Do not know where to start because all I have now is gratefulness for the Lord answered my prayers and allowed things to transpire.

I GOT ENGAGED ON THE 3rd OF MAY, 2023.

It was a very private moment. No friends. No family. Just us and the Lord. We were just enjoying the beautiful creation God has made for us to enjoy and he popped the question “Would you be one in Christ with me?” and without hesitation I said “YES”.

Not because it’s been a long time since I prayed to have a husband but because I have prayed about this for a long time. We have prayed for this for a while, weeks after he came back from deployment and to the day we decided to get married.

Was it scary? YES. Our age gap is 12 years and everything is uncertain even if we talked about marriage for a while. But thank God, the person I said “YES” to never failed to reassure me that “AGE IS JUST A NUMBER”.

God has his ways and His ways are definitely better than ours.

FAST FORWARD : 3 DAY LATER (6th MAY 2023)

We got married online. We were excited but at the same time very nervous about what the future holds for both of us as a married couple now. But one thing is for sure, as long as we both remember to put God in the center of our marriage and set our eyes upon the Lord, we can be assured that everything will be okay in God’s hands.

Now, as we start this new chapter of our lives, we started to do devotionals together as a married couple and is praying for a Godly couple that can walk with us and guide us in this journey of marriage.

Before this day ends, allow me to remind you guys that when the time is right, the Lord will make it happen.

2023.4.3 Art

Not really into drawings growing up. I had interest but I never really pursued since every time I see my drawings, they are ugly.

But last night, as I was speaking to God about what I have observed in my current relationship: a sudden feeling of disappointment and fear crept in.

Disappointment upon seeing inconsistency of what he says in the beginning and present. Also, him not allowing himself to be vulnerable to me.

Fear because I don’t want this relationship to fail and that we both just be each other’s teachers and leave.

In both, I kept talking to God about these things and gave me an idea to draw this.

This represents how God holds my heart. There are times that I, myself, breaks my own heart by thoughts I have allowed to creep in my head. Sometimes, others but most of the time me. I know I have the ability to choose how to feel and what to feel, logical or illogical.

2023. 2.18

Today is just another weekend but there’s a difference.

He isn’t here. I should be glad that he isn’t here because I can do the things that I want to do. I have longer me time.

But there are things I realized when he isn’t around.

-I have become dependent of his presence instead of the presence of God in my life. Quite frankly, I may have put him in the throne of my life, instead of putting God on the throne.

-I have compromised stuff that I know I shouldn’t. Make out session wasn’t gonna be something I would want for us. Although he respects my boundaries, I would have been happy if we didn’t do all that every weekend.

-I am enjoying too much of this relationship to a point wherein I don’t think this honors God.

-I have been used to his little things that mean a lot to me because I have not experienced treated to be right and I thought he will and does. Now, I’m disappointed and angry that he isn’t here with me on a Friday night.

BUT…

These realizations made me think of opportunities.

-God is redirecting me to Him. God is still god after all. He redirects me when I’m about to go to a different lane. So with this, I thank God for allowing me to experience these emotion of disappointment. I prayed for clarity as to what things I did that dishonors him and clearly it’s the make out session.

-I have very strong opinions about his career shift and I prayed for me to be the best support for him but I don’t know how to play with words. So, I’m learning to tame my tongue as hard as possible but I really would be praying for him. Praying harder for him to realize that his feeling about work isn’t always the right thing. He needs to go through a breakthrough. Thus, more opportunity for me to pray for him.

-Enjoying the good things brought about this relationship is great but I also need to learn to enjoy the uncomfortableness of relationships. Hardships are inevitable and are ought to be enjoyed equally as the good things.

-I have known my worth and an opportunity for me to stay believing in my worth because my worth is in the heavens and not here on earth.