welcome to the thunderdome

i’ll miss seeing movies with her and sharing a bed with her on vacations, and her hugs and how she got drunk after two drinks, despite being a big gal. i’ll miss her.

- when we vacation, the four of us, she and i always shared a bed or a room or whatever. we’d always crash early one night so we could eat junk food and watch bad tv. i don’t have my vacation buddy anymore.

- when we saw a quiet place in theater, she got so scared she literally grasped onto my body. it was adorable. we saw dozens of movies together. she was my movie partner.

- her mom just passed away in december. it seems unfair to take 2 people away from a 4 member family. her poor fucking sister and brother.

- who else is 30+ years old and willing to spend over a grand to go to a convention for CW tv show and geek out in new orleans with me?

- we were going on our first cruise in november 2020. she was so so so excited. she was already buying outfits.

- i will never see my beautiful friend again or hug her and tell her i love her and hear it back.

- she’s known me since i was 19/20. i turned 30, and spent a part of it enjoying a beautiful dinner with her and a bunch of martinis. i’m so lucky i saw her.

YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF BACKING UP AND RESTORING YOUR OWN INFORMATION

it’s not your cell phone providers job

also, please stop making your old, mean, and ungrateful parents/grandparents/anyone over 60yo upgrade to smartphones

and here’s the true, angry aftermath

we spoke about what 15 year old me would think 30 year old me, and that evolved into discussing how growing up in survival mode still effects my adult life. despite not needing that mind-set anymore and how unconducive it is, it still lingers in most of my self-talk.

so when i realized that my cynicism, especially when it comes to “hoping for the best,” is a fear-based survival technique due to years of having to deal with the worst possible outcomes in most situations, i just kinda lost it.

i try, and think i often succeed, at being an optimistic person. i am a cheerleader for those around me, and i often focus on the good for those in my life, enthusiastically and uninhibitedly. everyone i care about deserves all the things they want, and i truly believe that.

but when it comes to myself, i tend not to behave the same way. i often think i’ve been lucky to be where i am and have the things i have, instead of feeling deserving. and when i want something, like a promotion, i purposely keep myself from getting gassed up and feeling excited or deserving of it. i would rather be pleasantly surprised if it works out in my favor versus let down when it doesn’t.

it made me sad to think of 15 year old me seeing me stable and content and joyful, surrounded by great people... but still believing that optimism is luxury and i still can’t afford it, even at 30.

i’m happy. like content, in a way i didn’t quite realize. i take for granted how far i’ve come and how many good things i have in my life.

fifteen years ago, i wouldn’t have imagined myself having such an “adult” life, that i’ve curated all by myself. i thought i’d be forever poor, and reliant on others or the “system,” because that’s how i grew up. success didn’t really seem like an achievable thing.

but here i am! stable and content and surrounded by beautiful people who want me to be stable and content and successful and whom i want the same things for.

YA’LL IM 30 YEARS OLD TODAY