holy shit are you me?? literally so much of what you said is something i've also dealt with, so read on if you'd like (I'll put the major tw in my tags). that was really informative though, so thank you so much for sharing, i enjoyed learning more about you.
The Fog™️ is literally what I'm going through most of the time. It's what I was dealing with today, esp the "compressed headache" thing you were describing. It's like a pressure and localized cloud of sorrow and dread for me, makes my eyes feel heavy as fuck and my head fuzzy. I haaaate it.
I've also been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder as well as Generalized Anxiety Disorder (and a special confluence of fucked up events such as my coming out to my mom as gay in June 2018 (priDE MONth 20-gay-teen), harassment from her leading me to withdraw to my room as a safe haven/avoid her, a fucking global pandemic the same year I was laid off my last job (2020, I was laid off in October and on furlough since the start of the year), all sort of spiraled to make me hella agoraphobic, and I've yet to recover from being predominantly a shut-in. I also haaaaaaaate it. Lol.
I was on bupropion for years and it really felt like it was helping, like it was letting me feel like I could get out of bed and have the energy to partake in life and get through the day, even though I did (and still do) think the day is too long so if I sleep in --
(which I do because I have no where to be, no job to work, no money to earn, no social circle to socialize with, and most importantly no energy whatsoever no matter how much I sleep), then the length of the day is "shortened" (by which I mean I will have to be awake/cognizant of "less" of the day), and therefore it is much less daunting and thus doable/endurable.
(But at the same time, if I sleep in, that's burning daylight/wasting sunlight time, which in turn makes me more depressed and thus it's a damned-if-I-do-damned-if-I-don't kinda thing, because sunlight/day/when the sun is out is when I feel I can be most productive...ironically enough, I'm largely a night owl but I don't like it that much because it feels like everyone else is asleep and therefore I feel isolated instead of happy/part of society when I wake up early in the morning, despite how much I hate waking up early. I'm a contradictory enigma. This shocks no one lmao.) --
I have been foiled by my own formatting. Damn you, me, and my nesting thoughts within tangents and other thoughts! I wish I was better about sticking to the topic, but my anxiety (here comes another tangent) makes me feel like it's better to convey everything I'm thinking in every possible way I can even if it's only tangentially related, because opting to be concise might mean not conveying it in the way I need someone to understand, because I'm deathly afraid of being misinterpreted or having my words weaponized against me because of how my parents treated me with the gaslighting and everything...and therefore it's infinitely better to me, and assuages my anxiety if I am overly verbose so that something that's possibly innocuous or a minor detail to me might be the phrasing/key to get that person to understand what I'm trying to mind-link them, since I'm basically trying to (inefficiently, admittedly) recreate telepathy with written/spoken words lmao.
Back on topic, I used to have a stellar metabolism (and, body and gender dysmorphias aside, I probably still do, just mitigated in a way I've never really recovered from), but I have IBS/IBD (or perhaps some manner of intestinal skullfuckery, and the gastroenterologist prescribed me amitriptyline, which caused me to gain weight that I to this day haven't ever managed to fully shed, despite apparently being a healthy weight (~148 lbs, but I had on my heavy as fuck convertible roller-skate shoes), and it fucked with my metabolism and my self image because I adored being thin and yet the pudge remains stubborn; despite this, according to my weigh-ins at doctor visits, I actually lose a decent amount of weight, because like 5 months ago, I was 14 pounds heavier than I was when weighed 3 months later, and my diet/exercise is ABYSMAL (picky eater + no energy/motivation to exercised), so it's obvious I CAN lose weight without trying/my metabolism is still probably great, but the pudge/body dysmorphia remains undefeated and seated in its throned).
...Okay, maybe that was another tangent, HA! YOU WERE FOOLED! Here's the REAL return of the prodigal topic:
I'm also taking vitamin d supplements bc I have a deficiency, and my mom has sleep apnea and I've long suspected I do too because I used to forget to breathe/jerk awake and not even realized I stopped respirating...I should probably bring it up to my nb np and get a referral for a sleep study lol.
Oh, I think earlier I brought up wellbutrin XL/bupropion bc I was waxing poetic about how good it was for me, and I forgot to mention it stopped being as effective a couple years ago, and I've been cycling through antidepressants like a kid in a candy shop ever since. Sertraline/Zolof, escitalopram/Lexapro, fluoxetine/Prozac (my current demon that I need to get off of, holy shit, it might be worst than when the first few days starting Lexapro).
I also have a positive ANA/anti-nuclear antibody test result, and was sick as FUCK as a kid in a way that my siblings weren't (my mom would often take me to a doctor's place weekly for some manner of injections, I don't know what was wrong with me), had hella bad eczema as a kid and have it occasionally now (but it was a huge factor in why I felt so fucking ugly and still have an intensely negative self-perception to this day; eczema had me feeling ugly and unlovable, like I was Quasimodo (who, to be clear, I love and deserves love; he's just the touchstone to reference how hideously disfigured I felt as a child), and it turns out eczema might actually demonstrate the body's willingness to fight itself, and be a sign of autoimmune illness(es), which, of course, I was never informed of and have to follow through that pending/approved rheumatology referral at USC to figure out why I'm so preternaturally tired.
Also, the estrogen is definitely contributing to my own fat-retention, but at least I have nice tits! My point is literally so much of what you said is something I also have experience with, it's actually pretty freaky...and demoralizing...what do you MEAN i'm not a special little snowflake who is the only one experiencing these misfortunes??? This is NOT conducive to the narrative that I'm the protagonist of life and main character of humanity, and obviously it's MY experiences that are universal, not everyone else's!...Though if my experiences are universal, then other people would share that experience...hmm...good point, me. Thoroughly debunked/jossed my own fucking argument, how about that.
Also, I've long suspected I have OCD, and have tried to (at length) articulate that here, but I've yet to be diagnosed, just like with PTSD and of course now bipolar disorder, which my sister has, and therefore a higher chance of having it as well. It's that, or Borderline Personality Disorder, or both lmao.
Also I distinctly recall like ONE time I was extremely happy for no external reason and it still remains an outlier to this day, it was like 20+ years ago, I was in such an unnaturally good mood that I wanted to show it off by doing the dishes, and my mom was like "what the fuck is wrong with you, why are you so happy", I DON'T KNOW MOTHER, YOU TELL ME????
TL;DR: I am a mess of a human being, I cannot stay on topic, and I'm so sorry to ramble like this. However, I did say "Much" was the only language I could speak!
