Hurry Up I’m Starving

First and foremost is how you choose to be buried. Never try to preserve your corpse with chemicals. Not only is it harmful to the environment but it also gets in the way of the beautiful process of rigor mortis. If you choose cremation and to have your ashes scattered to the wind that is a wonderful choice but this guide may not be for you. 

Whether you choose a coffin, no coffin, or, even better, a sky burial either choice may allow for a graceful decomposure. 

Now lie still. There is no point in struggling anymore, after all you are dead. Submit yourself to nature and her many processes. Listen to the wind whistle overhead. Do you hear what it is saying? Feel the ground underneath you. Do you feel its pulse? Everything around you is alive and you are part of everything around you. You are a blimp on its surface, a piece of its puzzle, a cell in the body. The only difference is, is that you are dead. But not really. You are giving life to others through your flesh and bones. You are transferring your life to another and who’s to say that you don’t live through them.

Once you are comfortable in your position you must give it time. Full decomposition does not happen overnight. Truly it began when your heart stopped and your cells ran out of oxygen. But here, where you lay, that has already happened long ago. Your body has begun to digest itself and it is likely that your liver and brain are gone. Some say they feel a great emptiness when they have lost their brain while others say they have never felt more free. It is the most human part of us and without we are no longer bound to society and its rules. I suppose it is a matter of fear. We fear what we cannot control and without rules how can we control anything? 

Next the gut swells. The microbes that live in your intestines are now able to roam free and they will start eating away at you. It is important not to be in the dark ages when you die lest you want to be accused of being a vampire. I do not think that having a stake through the heart is rather graceful. But you know better than to choose that era to die, right? 

But this will not last long and the bacteria eating at you will soon break through and your remaining organs will spill out. For most, this is the first time they have ever seen their internal organs. How surprising it must be to see meters upon meters of winding rope that has been tucked away inside of you most of your life. Really this is when you begin to unravel. Like a great spool of thread being pulled by a single strand until there’s nothing left but the bones. Your organs will go, your fat will go, your muscles will go, until you are nothing but bones.

There is something special to bones. They can far out live the body and the soul, telling tales for generations to come. It would be nice if our bones would stay forever. An eternal mark upon the world shouting to all that pass, 

“Like you, I once walked this earth. I was loved and felt love. I was human and I lived and now here I lie. Remember me.”

birthday tradition 🎂 cakes i’ve drawn on my birthday from 2018 to now

to cast 💖🪄✨ Happy Writing to

all my author friends

It’s never happened before, no one knows what the boat is going to do next, least of all the boat! It’s never been stuck sideways in the Suez Canal before, it’s as confused as you are!

There’s no experts. They try to find experts on the news. They’re like, “We’re joined now by a man that once saw an old russian oil tanker near Africa.” Get out of here with that shit! We’ve all seen a russian tanker near Africa. This is a boat stuck sideways in the Suez Canal!

When a boat is stuck in the Suez Canal, you got to stay updated. So all day long you walk around, “What’d the boat do?” The updates, they’re not always bad. Sometimes they’re just odd. It’ll be like, “The boat drew a dick in the GPS before getting stuck in the canal.” I didn’t know it knew how to do that.

The creepiest days are when you don’t hear from the boat at all. You’re down on Tumblr like, “Hey, has anyone…” “Has anyone heard–” [imitating boat horn noises]

Those are those quiet days when people are like, “It looks like the boat is finally getting unstuck.” And then ten seconds later the boat is like, “I’m gonna ignore the effort of the tug boats and cost the global trade another billion of dollars. I’ve got a nice bow and the length of 4 football fields, I’m a boat!” That’s what I thought you’d say, you dumb fucking boat!

And then… Then… Then you go to brunch with people and they’re like, “There shouldn’t be a boat stuck sideways in the Suez Canal.” And it’s like, “We’re well past that!”

Then other people are like, “If there’s gonna be a boat stuck in the Suez Canal, I’m going to send ships around Africa like it's the 16th century!” And those don’t match up at all!

And then, for a second, it seemed like maybe we could survive the boat, and then, a mile away, the excavation team was like, “I have a small digger and I’m going to dig the boat out of the canal!” And before we could say anything, the boat was like, “If you even fucking look at the canal, I will crash my bow further into the coast. I dare you to do it. I want you to do it. I want you to do it so I can crash you with my bow, I’m so fucking crazy.” “You think you’re fucking crazy, I’m a fucking underpaid employee. I live in a fucking tiny digger. I’m fucking crazy!” And all of us are like, “Okay.” Like poor Andy Cohen at those goddamn reunions. “Okay.”