bert hummel.

You can’t - that’s the best part, ya feel? I’m the kinda bitch who knows when the killer is in the house already.

Obvs. No one has time for that 30 extra dollars at the movie. I sneak in all the good stuff too, not just the small stuff like when people are too scared.

I feel. I’m probably the doofus who is too dumb to keep alive and eventually die because I’m making fun of the murder who’s right behind me.

So a Wednesday night is callin’ and your girl needs a hot date to the movies to see Halloween tonight. I promise to protect ya from scary lil Michael Myers.

When you have someone like Jada offering to protect you, how can I say no?

I refuse to be the Bonnie to your Clyde. Or the Buck to your Clyde, since they were siblings. I only really know the musical. 

You can take out life insurance on a dog? That’s crazy. And I get the feeling neither Kurt nor our father wants a dog running around peeing on our stuff and tearing up Kurt’s designer clothes. 

C’mon dude. You’re supposed to be my ride or die. What else is a twin good for if you won’t help me get away with my stupid ideas?

I can’t believe you would choose thrusting your body into sweaty women over Pumpkin Show. 

I couldn’t do that to some poor family! What if the puppy belonged to some sick child? What if it’s her diabetes alert dog?! I could get us a real puppy, though, but I’m not sure Kurt would be too into the idea. 

What can I say? I love the adrenaline rush.

I know I am totally basic for saying this, but, while Christmas is my favorite holiday, fall is my favorite season. So I am totally digging this weather and the pumpkin patches and, of course, sweaters. Now I just need to find a way to get a few more PSLs in before we get into Christmas season and I’ll be a very happy Marley.

Yes, sister! Don’t be ashamed of being basic. Leggings, Ugg boots, and cute messy buns are the only real culture us white girls have. Be proud of where you come from.

The annual Circleville Pumpkin Show is truly one of Ohio’s finest cultural experiences. Future generations will look upon the pet parade and gaze in wonder at our sophisticated traditions. 

Damn. I’m going to be at my Roller Derby thing. Hey, try and steal one of those puppies while you’re there and if dad asks just say I did it.

I’d personally say it was a more than successful homecoming - and while I usually leave the pranking to my better half and not get much enjoyment out of them, I was a huge fan of all of them this year especially ones that embarrassed everyone. What a delight. It almost makes up for the fact that the football team lost. But we’ll make sure their asses are kicked into gear for next time.

Huh, I don’t even remember the last time the football team actually won a game. Must have been a long, long time ago.