i'm a liability

Not sure how interested I am in seeing you and Puckerman rap (read: not very interested), but I’m most certainly down to sit in the back seat mid-sesh and judge you two. So are you an indica or sativa kind of girl? Answer wisely. 

Hey, we’re actually super good. I’m going to record them and put them on youtube next time, maybe we’ll get on Ellen or something. If you feel the beat then feel free to jump in. Oh sativa, all the way. When I smoke I want to have a good time not a lame time. What about you?

I’m thinkin’ about getting a new tattoo, but I dunno what I should get… I’m stuck between either a huge chest piece of a bear fighting a shark, or like a fake signum on my abs so I can play the whole “I found my soulmate, but she died… so now I try to bring as much love into the world as she left me with” kinda thing. Thoughts?  

A signum? You’re really out doing yourself on the doucheyness there.

I did! H&M sponsored some of my pics so I was at their booth for a bit of PR goodness.

It has less to do with him and more to do with being WAY too high when he was doing this thing.

Jesus, what do I have to do to get a company to fly me to Coachella? I’ll sell my soul to the devil for tickets in for next year.

Guess who’s done with orgo FOR-FUCKING-EVER?! That’s right, it’s me, I win! My junior year is officially over and I am officially ready to DRINK PARTY like I’m gonna die young. Loop me in on any parties happening or bars that won’t notice fake IDs.

Congradoritos, lady Puckerman. Hey, I’m all for bar hopping but why not do a bonfire? I’ll provide the alcohol and you don’t have to worry about getting your fake taken away.

BERITEHUM420? Nice username. To the point, I appreciate that shit. We should be friends of the 420 variety.

Thanks, I thought long and hard on that one. Ayyyye, I’m always down for more stoner friends. You should match up with my friend Puck and I, we always end up rapping after a few hits and it’s actually hilarious to listen back on them.

Weeks later I’m still reeling from Coachella and whenever someone brings up the yodel boy I feel personally attacked.

You went to Coachella?! Dude, I’m so fucking jealous. 

it’s really hard to be the person in charge sometimes. firing people is awful. i think i deserve to just take the weekend off and treat myself by doing absolutely nothing stressful, because friday was absolutely the worst day of my professional career to date.

I think the people you fired were probably feeling like it was a pretty shitty Friday too. But hey, we all love a good ol’ severance pay.

ABBA? MY LIFE IS COMPLETE AT LAST! And poor Lindsey. I mean your gossip was less dishy than I would prefer but informative which is good, probs.

RIGHT?! ABBA is everything and I’m going to be saving money now to go see them live. 

This Sunday morning hangover is no fucking joke. Currently soliciting offers for someone to bring me coffee and/or Taco Bell.  

UberEats if your best friend and I’m not just saying that because I’m a driver but you can use my code BERTIEHUM420 if you want $10 off your first order.

That’d be depressing if it wasn’t a total lie. You’re like the funniest person I know. You could make friends with… idk, a mime. 

You say one day like it hasn’t already happened, ka-chowww. JK. I’ve been shooting blanks since the day I turned 18. 

True, I am pretty fucking funny but I guess people don’t like jokes anymore.

I hate when they play bops during serious shoots. No Tears Left to Cry came on today when I was supposed to be acting all intense, and all I wanted to do was jam out to my girl Ari. 

I haven’t heard people mention that song without coming out as gay, so is that the end of your announcement or do you have anything else to add? 

Looks like someone is back on pain killers… again. You’d say that after all these years everything would finally be back to normal… But here I am.

Hey, what kind of painkillers are you on? Willing to do some tradesies? 

So like I’ve been a total loser for going an entire week without posting any selfies, I know, but on the real I’ve looked like death, thanks flu, and no one needed to see that lbr. Someone catch me up on the hot goss, I’m waiting.

Well, ABBA is coming back with new music. Elton John announced his final tour and Fleetwood Mac is going back on tour but fired Lindsey Buckingham. So things are kind of popping. Is this how people gossip? Am I doing it right?

I’m honored that you remain friends with me through these trying moments.

Well, I dropped outta high school, so I’m one rung below you, but if I know one thing it’s that sharks are way too badass not to fuck. 

Yeah well I don’t have a lot of friends so I’m not in the position to be very picky.

Please, you never like me. I can recall on a couple of times when we were kids when you would pull my hair for trying to put lip gloss on you.  I’m glad to have normality back in my life. Unfortunately, he as not. They sold it last month. I would have stayed there and kept the place myself but I can’t exactly ask them to pay more when they already offered to pay my rent.

Good-ish? Still in the maybe pile for whether you’re staying here or not? If you need a place to stay, my couch has zero lumps and a nice view. I can see you as a bartender. Just be safe with any creeps that can come around at night. I’ll order you some pepper spray online. 

To be fair, lip gloss is super weird! It just makes your lips sticky and how can you talk normally like that?! But besides those instances, you weren’t a terrible cousin. Did you at least make me proud and throw a rager before they sold the place? 

Listen, I get that Puckzilla’s intimidating the first time anyone sees him. I shouldn’t have scared you like that. I’ll give you a warning next time. 

What’s embarrassing about the name sex shark? Sharks are badass and I like to fuck. I see no problems. 

That is so... gross. Disgusting, some would say revolting. Yet here I am, still somehow friends with you.

Ha. Clever. No, old like… old, old. Casablanca, Singin’ In The Rain. That kind.

Not The Wizard of Oz, though. I tried to watch that once when I was high, and it freaked me the fuck out.

I saw Singin’ In The Rain loads of times as a kid but I never actually saw Casablanca. It sounds good but I’m scared people hyped it up a lot like Citizen Kane.