Ave

what i am trying to say is that God takes the rejected and makes it like new, like a gardener putting prunings, clippings, dead plants, etc, into a compost bin. it all breaks down into dirt, and dirt is new beginnings, dirt is something new plants, new hopes can grow in, dirt is FILLED with the past made into the promise of a future. 

From outside the church: You are called a cultist. You are told you should leave. That you are complicit in all the sins of your church. That your beliefs are laughably stupid. That you are gullible. People tell you that they're "worried about you," when they learn you're a queer mormon. People say they'll pray for you when they learn you're mormon. People spread lies and misconceptions about your church. You cringe whenever someone sings songs from The Book of Mormon musical. You try to joke and make fun of other mormons, or talk down about them to show you aren't like those people. You're different. You're woke. You're aware. Part of the reason you do it is to legitmately talk about issues within your church. A lot of it is compensating, trying to look good in the eyes of others.

(We tend to refer to religious trauma as something that comes from within a church. What about external trauma caused by hatred for your religion, being queer and religious, or even for being religious? Surely that counts for something.)

From within the church: You are called a sinner, explicitly or implicitly, even if people don't realize what you are. People cry that members turned out to be queer and began exploring their identity. You're afraid to come out for fear of the consequences. You realize that you aren't welcome. If you do speak up about your opinions, even if you never say that you are queer, you are punished. Church leaders tut and say that queer people will receive lesser degrees of glory due to their choices. they say that members should have compassion for queer folks, all the while not doing anything to affirm their existance. You're encouraged to pray the gay away.

Internally: You know God loves you and affirms your identity. You know that he/they supports you in your journey, and is walking with you. But you agonize over when the church will see the light and discover the truth. Are they asking God sincerely? Are they assuming the answers and not bothering to ask? Are you really queer, or are you just making it up? Maybe it would be easier if you weren't queer. Maybe then people would accept you.

We exist at the intersection of many forms of trauma. Hatred against mormons, hatred for queer people, and self hatred.

We've always had to pretend like we're okay, and we're not. We are not okay. We keep cutting off parts of ourselves and saying "are we acceptable now?" and mainstream society says "maybe after another pound of flesh."

We turn all the fear and humiliation and anger and pain inward, on people who don't fit in. Queer people. Fat people. Feminists. Historians. Liberals. People who aren't smiley enough.

- there are more than two genders

- trans women don't owe you femininity, trans men don't owe you masculinity and nonbinary people don't owe you androgyny

- pronouns don't equal gender

- you don't need dysphoria to be trans

- you don't have to change your name to be trans

- gender expression doesn't equal gender identity

- you don't have to medically transition to be trans

- being trans doesn't mean you hate yourself

- trans men are men and trans women are women

- being trans is not a choice

How many have been innocent and still been killed in cold blood? Joseph and Hyrum Smith, David Patten, Edward Partridge, 9 year old Sardius Smith, Marietta Carter Holmes, Parley P Pratt... George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, 14 year old Tamir Rice, 7 year old Aiyana Jones, Ahmaud Arbery... and dozens or hundreds or thousands more.

How can we, a people so persecuted, so careful to remember our own violent past and governmental abuse, now ignore that when the same and far worse is happening??"

*sees the radical undertones of the church's doctrine*

*going to queer spaces only to hear people bashing the church*

*having nuanced discussions with fellow queer mormons about the short failing of church and healing together*

*gets called brainwashed*

*openly talking about your experience reconciling your queer identity and your faith at church only to get silence and a vague 'you're so brave' comment*

*having to block the exmo tag for your own mental health even though you have a lot in common with them*

*sees the progress being made in the church year after year and feeling hopeful for the future*