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@hsquared95

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;-;
they want you to make fried rice
who is "they"
the wok left
how am I supposed to make fried rice if the wok left
skillet issue
Literally The Vampire Chronicles
A question for the ages.
The earlier on Tuesday you reblog this the funnier it is. (5:28am)

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was outside earlier and a bird Came Up, squatted down, fluttered it’s wings at me and opened its mouth like a hatchling begging for food (it was a grown female) so I went and checked the seed cube in the feeder and the thing was completely covered in mold. this is one of the weirdest things that’s ever happened to me. how did she know im the one in charge of the birdseed. How Did She Know To Pantomime Hunger At Me. Hello.
i have spent my afternoon confusedly getting dressed, driving to the store, purchasing a new seed block, driving home, washing the cage, and getting the feeder set back up. i don’t take this much care for my Own nutrition. ive been bullied into a grocery store run by a tufted titmouse. i feel so loved
If you don't know what a Tufted Titmouse looks like, behold:
My 11-month male cat lets my foster kittens nurse on him.
(Source)
im sorry these are the funniest tags ive ever seen
"but the text never explicitly stated it!!!" hey, so that's actually what they tried to teach you in those english classes you barely passed 😁
I think about this cake every day
sorry for exposing your tags but this is hilarious
OP, I hope you don’t mind me making an addition:
When I turned 17, we ordered a cake at the grocery store for my party, as we’d done many times before. If you wanted something written on the cake you’d write it into a section of the order form. We requested, very simply, “Happy Birthday Courtney”. When we went to pick it up the day of the party, this is what we got.
The bakery employees had absolutely no explanation for this. The order form, attached to the box, very clearly did not contain any of those extra names. Whomever had done the writing was no longer in, so there was no one to ask how this had happened. The fact that the name ‘Juan’ is misspelled bewilders me to this day. (I’ve never seen ‘Miley’ without the E, either, but it’s believable that someone might spell it that way.) Did this cake slip in from an alternate universe where I’m one quarter of a set of Hispanic quadruplets? Dyslexic Hispanic quadruplets, maybe?
This cake became the focal point of my party. At least two of my friends regularly called me ‘Courtney Mily Jaun Pablo’ for years to come. My siblings and I still reference it sometimes, eleven years later. It is probably the funniest thing ever to occur at any birthday celebration of my life, and may well remain so for the rest of my days.
I love a botched cake.
one time me and some pals spotted one of those big cookie cakes in a store. it was done up with red icing and little X's for kisses and in the middle it said
No One Like You
now, it took us a while to realise it meant "(there is) no one like you". at first, we all parsed it as a botched "no one like(s) you"
for ages after when we'd wind each other up we'd declare "NO ONE LIKE YOU ☹️👎"
I just feel like it's important to post the Sacred Texts
The Cake Wrecks blog is one that I miss.

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It's the Royal Academy of Art Young Artist's Summer Show. One of my favourite exhibitions of the year. Like. Not only are the older kids insanely talented, the younger ones' artist statements will just punch you right in the face.
Jeffrey is my cat and he feels like my heart
Click [here] for the full online exhibition
i read this to adam and he just yelled, outraged, "THEYRE BABIES"
TRUE HATERS, SINCE DAY 1 THEY HAVENT BEEN GIVING THEM A FUCKING INCH
this is next level
20 years later. you're kermit. opening night at the muppet theater. you look up. you can't believe it. those two awful cunts from next door are here. neither of them died yet. they're going to be here, forever.
They're immortal.
They were heckling the actors in Ford's theater on the day Lincoln was shot.
They heckled the first reading of the Epic of Gilgamesh.
They heckled the first lifeform to crawl onto land.
They heckled the big bang.
"They say that time exists now."
"I can tell."
"How so?"
"Because this show is a waste of it!"
"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

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settings > wound > my wound > reopen
do not forget this
oh, the 2010s. the days on tumblr that felt like they'd last forever. seymour. randy. assorted others.
Me, when someone asks about the Bone Thief and the Hamilton AIDS hoax