“it doesn’t matter how people see you!”
but it does, doesn’t it. in high school i was “smart but distracted” and “a dropout” and “never in class.” i was seen as flighty, as incapable, as a certified mess. it was true, of course. i never did my homework. i didn’t show up for the test. i had teachers who sighed when i approached their desks: of course you suck was the constant message.
it took me 6 years to graduate college, at which point i was magna cum laude. everyone knew me as the “overachiever” the “group leader” the “of course you did the extra work.” it was odd to me. everyone saw me as organized, efficient, self-sustaining. i was the same person, wasn’t i. just as tired. certainly still mentally ill, even if i was better at handling it.
in one of my education classes, we’d learn that perception is everything. if you’re a girl, you see yourself as doing worse, even when you’re doing better. it plays into race, too: a phenomenon known as stereotype threat. students frequently rate themselves harder than the professor does. and of course, the ultimate of perception’s abilities: if you tell someone “i expect you’re going to do well,” they do. the same is true of the reverse.
i see a lot of people asking me why representation is such a good thing. or why we need to be careful about our intrinsic feelings. why does it matter, after all, that girls don’t think they belong in STEM. who cares about that one man who came out and said they’re biologically incompatible with it?
there’s a girl i babysat when i was younger. mostly i was there for her little brother. i heard her, late at night, whispering to herself: you’re so stupid, you’re stupid, why can’t you just understand this. it’s not unfamiliar. i remember staring at homework my mental illness wouldn’t let me finish and thinking you’re so stupid, you’re a failure, the world would be better without your burden.
i went from being the person that copied homework to being the person people copied off of. i didn’t suddenly gain an IQ boost. yes, i got a few coping mechanisms that have certainly helped me through. but the fact is: now that people expect me to do good, i do. and it’s still never enough. when i see “100%” on a paper i don’t feel excited. i wonder why i didn’t get a 101. in my heart, i’m faking this.
in my heart, i’m still flighty, still struggling with mental illness, still the girl who can’t sit still. i’m still disorganized, still prone to wanting to run from conflict or the test or the homework i didn’t finish. but my teachers all see me as a gem, a symbol of perfection. here’s where the sad thing comes in: i miss just as much school for my mental illness. but because teachers like me, they let it slip. “you’re a good student,” i hear a lot, “don’t worry about it.” i’ve had teachers wave off entire finals based on my “good girl” category.
i wonder if there’s a girl like me who never got a chance to change her label, and if she’s sitting in class, turning out the same amount of homework. if she misses just as much, if she’s also late on the assignment, if she’s struggling to understand the problems. but she’s still “unorganized,” she’s still “a mess”. and nobody decides she’s worth it to just say “hey, i believe in you. and you can make it out of this.” if, because of the way people see her, she’s certain she’s worthless.
you’re a good person. you’re more than your grades. you can do this. i know you can. i’m proud of you either way.
