but I’ve been reading stories and hearing things and maybe it is a magic that is not mine alone but shared

I can’t believe that School is not about rote learning nor white dead philosophy anymore but instead active discussion of magic and meaning and nonsense, albeit academically (jarring, infuriating but also, I can’t discount it - extremely cool)

turns out there’s a legion of grief-zombies sickening and threatening with their refusal (just like me)

abject and free and demanding (abjection is not bad, I had gotten it so wrong)

they’re writing, (writing themselves into existence), that they do not belong in this world (neither do I) but they persist nethertheless and they’re saying that they don’t want to be fixed (maybe everything I was afraid of, maybe i should be embracing everything I was afraid of)

it’s so… confirming… to be exposed to more of this from within a tiny corner of an (Top Rated) Institution and yet the stipulations or rather the circumstances (in person seminar, real life) is so so taxing. it’s like it’s ripping me apart (amazing) it’s like it’s ripping me apart (exhausting) it’s like it’s ripping me apart (the juxtaposition I can’t calculate it - headfuck)

But when I get home

But when I get home from the tiny city with all its people in it

But when I am home after trying to do the thing I love the most but cant do (the exhaustion)

When I get home from the rain and the fresh (polluted) northern air

But at home in the evening after trying trying trying

calm.

I am seen

And I can see

I don’t think I’ve ever been able to see so much before

And I’ve certainly not been seen before

I did not know that I could… that we could meet someone… outside of time… someone who knows what it’s like outside of time… who knows magic and multitudes… who is magic and multitudes and the nuances and delight it’s ripping me apart (exploding and free and slight terrifying but so so safe and free)

-

There must be a reason that it’s all happening at once (magic)

[ I.e. the intellectual + emotional challenge of the course, the Real Life aspect of going in, meeting and being around new people, the new city + being away, not to mention the other big magic thing]

I didn’t know it and I don’t entirely feel it but I am ready to be turned outward, no longer locked away within myself

and I may feel exposed like rotting meat on the pavement

did she die there as a child a haunting the dead and buried want you aswell

maybe if you saw him they’d go away

maybe if you saw him this time you’d die in the material world off a bridge

I think they’re really just not happy with me moving forward in life + new city + going to uni + the prospect of having to do something with my life next year after uni is really making them freak out

I keep forgetting about them and doing stuff in my real life but then they just come back again with such vengeance

I think we will try go to the mental health drop in place soon to see if they know about any groups or anything that could be helpful

I know we need specialist intensive therapy but we got rejected from EMDR (not that we particularly wanted it or believe in it - AP just wants less physical symptoms) for not being a considerable enough risk to ourselves earlier this year when I was actually suicidal (for the first time in like 10 years, I think bc we didn’t make any attempts) so I feel as though secondary MH services will be unavailable to me here / I’d want a dissociation specialist anyway.

when it’s us instead of me

unraveling

time and order collapsing

and everyone is here

out of the shadows into the light

a big fight

simultaneous and rapid

[it’s not fair that you get to look outwards and I don’t even know who you are, gone again so quickly that I don’t even have a moment to register you before… before… before what? I forget]