Ivar

I get that they were trying to be nice, to defend me or spare me from an uncomfortable situation or whatever but it just feels like they dont understand or respect me like, you didn’t even bother to ask if i was okay with you sharing that about me you just blurted it out as the first thing-

is it because they become upset at just imagining me being sexual or romantic with anyone, am i repulsive to them??? Am i unlovable, unfuckable and completely celibate-alone in your eyes? Can you ‘just not imagine me being with anyone like that’

I want to rip my skin off and become unphysical, i would be mist and no one could ever perceive me wrongly again .

I am one of those aspecs that just doesn’t feel romantic love like that, like how its supposed to feel idk- but i dream about it i want it for myself like someone wants something irrational or addictive, i see it in others and become sick with envy- ‘why cant i have this? How can i have this??’

I romanticize love, i want badly to love, i see it as a spiritual force to be revered and a tool of motivative storytelling,”this is how you make them do an act that was otherwise unthinkable” the ultimate connection, the ultimate experience. The thing that makes us all human and similar to each other, the thing we are raised to want above all else, but i just dont feel it.

I still want to give it, i want to make someone feel loved, so loved they never doubt themselves or my feelings for them, its perhaps my greatest desire to find someone who i can do that for and not have it be completely untrue. I wish i could lock away this part of me and just force myself to love romantically.

Am i still aromantic then? Am i demiromantic? I dont know i have no idea how to define this feeling all i know is that i picked someone to “have a crush on” in middle school to seem normal and not be set apart. But i felt nothing.