l i g h t

thank you. I did not tell that guy happy birthday and I somehow feel like by doing so, I got the closure I have been needing for months. It’s bittersweet. anyways, thank you. I have my power back.

SO this guy that I’ve known for about five years now, it’s his birthday tomorrow and I still think of him often and wish him well... should I tell him happy birthday? He ghosted me back in November but still views ALL of my posts on social media but earlier in the year when I tried to check in and see how he was, I got left on read. I genuinely want the best for him and his life.

Sunday, April 26, 2020, 11:40 PM

I thought I loved him but I really just loved the idea of him. I was so desperate seeking love that I was writing the pages of a story that didn't exist.

Isn't that all anyone wants? To be understood and loved.

I used to think about you all the time. However, day by day, I thought of you less and less until you faded like a distant memory. I didn't even notice. My heart just felt lighter.

Think about something or someone that keeps you going, that makes you grateful to be alive. It can be the way the sunlight peeks through the blinds, the smell of a new book, or the gentle embrace of a close friend. Remember that. Hold on to that. You might feel like you're drifting but I hope that feeling is able to anchor you and bring you home again.

When I was a child, I heard a story about a river so deep and dark that people would accidentally swim to their death because they didn't know where the surface was. I feel like I'm in that river these days; I can’t tell which way is up and which way is down. I’m floating adrift, trapped beneath the surface, praying that I land somewhere with steady feet and fresh air.

I feel like broken glass; I keep desperately trying to put myself back together but none of the pieces fit. I try and I try until my hands are raw and bloody, praying for a miracle and getting nowhere.

You can’t help people who don’t want to be saved. Otherwise you’ll drown in the process too.

I am so sure that I love you and nothing has ever scared me more.