Subsisto Validus

Well it sure has been a hot minute! Hey Instagram 👋🏻⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ What a whirlwind the past couple of months have been. To cut a long story short- after my assessment with my local ED team, referrals for inpatient were sent out & I was admitted to the Phoenix Wing at St Ann’s hospital the following week, where I’ve been serving time/in treatment until this past Saturday when I self-discharged. ⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ I’ll save the lengthy rant about the treatment I experienced & how despairing I am that adult treatment is utterly appalling, for another post! ⁣⁣⁣ But what I will say, is that I not only had the biggest reality check of my life, met some truly incredible, awe-inspiring people, but I committed to going all in with my recovery. For me, that means relinquishing all control over food & putting all my trust in my parents. Not forever, no, but for a while. Me taking control of my food before I’ve been truly ready is what has led to countless past relapses- something that cannot, & will not happen again. ⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ So I am home. No longer stuck inside a hospital ward that ultimately enabled my eating disorder to remain comfortable and safe. I am home & being challenged left, right & centre. Anxious? Yep. Body image feeling worse by the minute? Pretty much. Next step? Eat anyway. Rest anyway. Sit with the discomfort. ⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ The alternative? Having committed 110%, I do not see there being an alternative. My option is staying the path of recovery, regardless of any discomfort and body image woes. Because my gosh, nothing could be worse than sitting in a clinical hospital bedroom, sobbing on FaceTime to parents after being threatened with sectioning if I attempt to go to graduation; nothing could be worse than spending the next few decades going in & out of a clinic, having to ask staff to open the door for the toilet, eating barely-edible NHS meals, being stuck inside a locked ward whilst the rest of the world carries on living. No. Nope. Nada. ⁣⁣⁣ ⁣⁣⁣ I wish it hadn’t taken the experience at St Ann’s to switch my mindset so drastically. I wish I could have gone to my graduation. But I am grateful to have the chance to recover now, & excited for a future without anorexia 😌♥️ (at Magnum Pleasure Store, 11-13 Duke of York Square) https://www.instagram.com/p/B1om1NbHS0c2bTqkKpLwkW0UxVa_cmsNtMHK7Q0/?igshid=131kglnnt7ocn

Oh hello, Instagram 📸⁣ ⁣ Long time, no speak. I only wish I could explain my absence was due to things going well, but things couldn’t be much worse than they are right now. I’m not going to have this be a super down-in-the-dumps post, but I want to get back to posting regularly for a while & thought it best to explain a little. ⁣ ⁣ Final year of uni was one heck of an endurance test- one I ultimately should not have signed up for, but regardless, is over. I suffered my worst relapse towards the end of March time, and am now facing an assessment for inpatient- possibly day patient. ⁣ ⁣ I am 22 years old and anorexia has been front and centre of my life since 14. With university over, I truly feel empty. I’ve isolated myself from most relationships, and as things stand, haven’t felt able to work on tackling this. My Dad is struggling with worry, and I’ve been honest with both mum and dad that I haven’t been managing. ⁣ ⁣ So, here we are. I have all the information & knowledge regarding recovery. I know that nutritional rehabilitation is key, and much of my brain fog & low mood is related to my current state. My motivation to change has just been completely gone. ⁣ ⁣ So, what’s next? My assessment is 2 weeks off & each day feels never-ending. I cannot afford to wait. I’ve wasted too much time already. Even though I feel lost & uncertain, tomorrow, I am making some very important changes. I am scared. But I cannot sit around feeling this awful until I’m either put in inpatient/day-patient, for fear of not being ‘sick-enough’ at the assessment. I’m done with that pathetic disordered-logic. I’m going to make changes now. ⁣ ⁣ Boy, this post is getting rather lengthy! I’ll quit here, but thank you for reading this jumbled ramble of mine. In the meantime, appreciate the New York bagel with cinnamon-walnut cream cheese I had on a rather tough trip last month 😌 https://www.instagram.com/p/Byn02hsHocprqB8yZUS_zRGSKPNNZlaJgkS0os0/?igshid=1gmos8tpoxy0y

Our relationship hasn’t always been the smoothest, but I bloomin’ love my sister <3

4 days in my favourite city, accompanying my sister as she got her US citizenship!