f*ck your eating disorder

it hit me, out of nowhere, that if i keep waiting for something like that, while simultaneously destroying myself, there’s a chance i may be far too weak and destroyed by the time i do come up with something.

of course, the negative voices in my head tell me that maybe there’s no such thing anyway, maybe you won’t even find something you care about enough, maybe you’re just not good enough, maybe you just should continue with the exact way you are. but i’d not only be giving up on the present me, but the future me as well.

and i really, really don’t like that. i don’t like the idea of destroying something that i have yet to even fully experience and hold, and cherish, in my hands, for myself.

i guess what i’m trying to say is that - it doesn’t matter if i don’t know what i want to do right now, if i don’t have a fixed goal or dream that i can actively pursue. the key idea is not destroying the likelihood of being able to pursue that at all, if it manifests in the future, by making sure i take care of the me that exists right now.

every girl has that little pouch of fat on her lower tummy, despite what magazines try n show u, you have important organs there that need to be protected don’t try and get rid of ur pouch

ur body is smarter than u think and it knows what to do when u eat more than normal. one bad day, or even week, of eating poorly isn’t gonna ruin anything at all I pinky promise

if u think u look good up until u try taking a selfie, it’s not ur fault - our faces are asymmetrical and when u see ur face flipped it will look unnatural to u, since u don’t see it that way when u look in the mirror. to everyone else it looks perfectly fine

no one’s stomach looks the same at 8pm as it does at 8am. no one has a chiseled six pack after a day of eating, not even the super fit people u see on tumblr, because ur stomach naturally expands after eating and expecting to have a flat tummy before bed is very unrealistic

no one notices if the bags under ur eyes are bad today. no one pays attention to the bump in ur nose or the zit on ur chin or the piece of hair that u missed when u were straightening. literally no one notices these things except you so stop worrying about it ur gonna be fine

and going back to treatment/hospitals (it’s that time of year again!) makes me feel waves of nostalgia. 

It makes me crave safety. True, honest to goodness, safety. That is what being in treatment/hospitals is. You have no freedom and therefore no responsibilities. You are simply sick and you must be taken care of. 

And right now, I’m in a place where that sounds absolutely lovely. To put up my hands and say “I quit. I’m tired of real life.” I want to press the most effective pause button that I know: Buy a scale, relapse into anorexia, suddenly have my whole life swirling around it. Treatment centers, doctors, endless meal plan worksheets and daily weigh-ins and labs. There would be painful parts, of course. The parts where I end up in another ER and have to call my mom sobbing, saying I’m sorry. The parts where I’m fighting with everyone around me trying to make sure I’m in control of what passes my lips. 

But that pain is different. That pain is surface level. It’s traumatic and terrible and contains some of my most horrible memories– but it’s different. Because while that storm rages above, the hurricane in your chest gets forgotten. 

I mean, who has time to be heartbroken when you’re starving yourself to death? And you can’t very well worry about your stressful job if you’re institutionalized. 

Instead of feeling the pain of getting in a fight with a good friend, or the agony of losing the boy you were in love with, or the shame of your boss reprimanding you for missing a deadline, or the anxiety of forming new relationships– you’re sitting under a blanket, complaining about PM snack, and arguing with your dietitian about your goal weight.  

And there’s safety even before you enter the doors of the treatment center: bones and weight and starvation consume your every thought. You don’t have to spend too long thinking about the way the boy you loved used to hold your hand, because you can very quickly turn your attention to your hipbones. Or yogurt. Or whatever else is currently playing out in the melodrama of your eating disorder. 

And that’s the important part: It’s a cop out.

You are choosing the easier route. And you are losing love and joy and connection that were supposed to be yours.

 You’re losing the moments where you and that boy that broke your heart are wrapped up in one another, listening to each others heartbeats through the darkness. You’re losing the part where that senior coworker you always looked up to asks you if you would like to help her with her project. You’re losing the part when your best friend shows up after the stupid boy breaks your heart, and makes you pasta, and rubs your back, and drives you up into the mountains so that you can look at the city, all lit up under the stars. 

I must be honest with you, first of all - no truly recovered person seeks weight loss. Ever. A recovered person lives life day by day, leaves the world’s disordered societal expectations behind, and actually deals with any insecurity they may experience (as opposed to just running away from it by deciding to lose weight). 

What has led you to decide to change your shape? Fear of others’ view of your body? Stress? Feeling like you aren’t good enough? Something else? Remember that weight loss never solves emotional troubles - in fact, it only makes them worse, as diets can never heal the heart. Weight loss does not make you happier, prettier, stronger, better - our sick society would have you believe that, sure, but in your right mind you know none of these things are true, right? Weight loss makes you thinner. That’s it. Thinner does not mean better. Thinner is just… thinner - that really is all. Likewise, dyeing your hair makes it darker, and wearing heeled shoes makes you taller - that’s all. Remove the sick, hidden meaning the words “thin” and “fat” have in your mind, and recognise that “thinner” is not inherently better, just like “fatter” is not inherently worse. Changing your appearance will not fix your life. Not now, not ever.

What are you seeking from weight loss? Acceptance, confidence, happiness? These things can and should be found in ways that have nothing to do with restricting your food - finding them that way will not only make it last, but it will also heal your soul along the way. 

Before I forget, here is a quote from this article by Gwyneth Olwyn - the seven signs of true remission from an eating disorder are:

1) You look forward to gatherings and celebrations that center on food. Like all those without an eating disorder, you indulge happily and do not compensate either before or after the event.

2) You have no forbidden foods, unless of course they could actually kill you (think peanut allergy).

3) You are a force for moral absolution. Your relationship with food is a morality-free zone and it has far reaching influence on those around you, not to mention yourself.

4) You experience your body, and every body, as a miracle every day. You marvel at the healing of a bruise. You stop to watch your fingers flying over a keyboard and are amazed. You see form and function and the innate power of the body.

5) You understand on a cellular level that “savoring” is a state of transcendence and transubstantiation. Transforming food into life-giving energy is freaking phenomenal!

6) You feel connected. While many with eating disorders can feel strangely energized and alive in a state of extreme energy depletion, they rarely feel connected in that state. In fact, they feel a high in the disconnection. Connection is actually an ambivalent state and you are able to hold the ambivalence with appreciation. It is not always joyous, supportive or healing to be connected to others. But you are ok with that.

7) You are fluid. [You are flexible.]

Do not focus on weight loss. Do not focus on “healthy” weight loss (such a thing is impossible, as food restriction with thinness as the goal will never end well). Do not focus on weight loss, full stop. Let your body be, and fill your life with things you truly love. Like I said - leave the world’s disordered societal expectations behind, leave numbers behind, leave fear of “fatness” behind, and watch yourself grow. It won’t be easy, and running away from your troubles will be tempting sometimes - weight loss will often seem like the solution, when in reality it never is - but don’t give in. Life without all of this is so much better, I promise you. Best of luck, my dear - I hope you figure it out.