Melatonin Makes Me Dream

*this is how I imagine the conversation going if a friend brought it up*

Friend: We need to get you a girlfriend, you’re 27 and you haven’t dated in over 5 years.

Me: Nah man, I’m good.

Friend: Oh come on, you know there is someone out there for you. There is someone for everyone, you just gotta look.

Me: Look dude. I. Am. Not. Interested.

Friend: Bu-

Me: Shut up and listen. I don’t want to date, I don’t want to get married, I don’t want kids. I enjoy being alone, I’ve also come to terms that it is the best thing for me. No deserves to have to put up with any of the crap I push out.

Friend: What do you mean?

Me: Oh don’t play dumb we both know how I am. I burn hot and fast in a relationship, I’ll put her up on a pedestal and I’ll be the happiest person for the first two weeks. But on that third week I start to question why I’m not the getting the same treatment back. So I’ll start looking for things.

I’ll start questioning why do I deserve to be so happy in the first place, why is she with me in the first place? What is she trying to get from me? What’s the secret motive? Is it pity? Who is she tying to make jealous? Was it a dare? Am I just a project to fix? What the fuck is it?

Those thoughts will race around my brain and I’ll start doing something to sabotage the relationship just to prove to myself that I was right. Let’s not also mention the fact that I’m in therapy for BPD and I’ve had vacations in the pysch ward. Let’s also stack on the flirtations with suicide and willingness to self harm despite full on knowing the consequences.

It just wouldn’t be fair to anyone to be in a relationship with me. I have too much going on inside my head and I know I wouldn’t put my best foot forward. There are way better people out there and one of the scariest things about me is that I’m not sure that I really want to change.