you can be peeling a boiled egg and think to yourself wow. that was so simple. and then you peel another one and it’s like being in the throes of war. shell everywhere. egg mangled. tears in your eyes. that’s how god keeps you humble

what is my perfect crime? i break into tiffany’s at midnight. do i go for the vault? no, i go for the chandelier. it’s priceless. as i’m taking it down, a woman catches me. she tells me to stop. it’s her father’s business. she’s tiffany. i say no. we make love all night. in the morning, the cops come and i escape in one of their uniforms. i tell her to meet me in mexico, but i go to canada. i don’t trust her. besides, i like the cold. thirty years later, i get a postcard. i have a son and he’s the chief of police. this is where the story gets interesting. i tell tiffany to meet me in paris by the trocadero. she’s been waiting for me all these years. she’s never taken another lover. i don’t care. i don’t show up. i go to berlin. that’s where i stashed the chandelier.

25-40 yr old white guys with big beards are either pro-military right wing douchebags or microbrew hipster douchebags and the only difference is what kind of glasses theyre wearing

Men think it’s ruder for a woman to say “don’t interrupt me” than it is for them to interrupt her in the first place

id probably call that ruder. Jus cause I interrupt someone don’t mean I was mentally thinking bout cutting this annoying ass bitch off. it just so happened my g.

I know you would call that ruder. That’s what the post was about.

In 300 years someone’s gonna make a Hamilton-esque musical with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders and teenagers on the internet are gonna stan Donald Trump like “uwu my trash son Donald being a drama queen as usual” and I’m gonna have to do it. I’m gonna have to come back from the dead and destroy the planet.