A writing blog I guess

And it hits me,

this could have been different.

You could still be my friend

and we could still laugh

but that’s not important

I don’t want to be the friend with whom you laugh

I always wanted to be there when you are low

and I always wanted you to be there when I am low

and then you made me low

you hurt me.

I never told you

but you hurt me.

I am still hurting.

And I can’t understand how you can’t see that.

I loved you.

Scratch that.

I love you.

You were my friend,

probably the best.

But I can’t keep on loving you.

Loving you means too many sacrifices for me

I can’t keep on loving you

because loving you means waiting.

And this time you won’t find me where you left me.

It will take time to un-love you

‘cause my heart is big

too big for my skin

sometimes I fear for my ribs

because I think my love for others

will grow my heart so big

that it will crush my ribs from the inside.

My heart is big,

but not big enough to keep you.

I can’t keep on loving you.

Because you only decide to love me,

My apricots

growing,

on the south side of the house.

Big

bigger than normal,

big as apples

and ripe,

so juicy,

juice dripping

to the ground

to the roots

back into the tree

 but my apricots

have

a

secret.

Because their tree is old,

so old,

so much older than me.

It’s roots long

long and strong

strong enough to grow through metal

through pipes.

So my apricots have found a way

a way into the pipes

a way into the sewage system

to grow,

to get more nutrients.

‘Cause every time I flush,

my apricots get some nutrients.

That’s how they grow

so juicy,

and ripe,

and big,

bigger than apples,

bigger than my fist.

Recently read a book that once said “we are more than just the sum of your traumas” or something along those lines and it kind of stuck with me. I really like it because it implies so much more.

I don’t think that we are solely the result of your traumas, I refuse to believe that pain defines us. I am more than just my hardships, I am half the bread that my friend gave me on the day I forgot my lunch. I am my grandmas cake recipe. I am the last light of the day when I watch the sun go down. I am my friends’ laughter. I am every good deed that someone did for me and I am every good deed I did for someone. And maybe, just maybe, I could also be all the good things I do for myself.

Trauma is most likely inflicted by another person, and so is most of what we think makes us good, or helps us heal. But I think we are more than both of them. I can’t be just the people around me can I? There must be something so fundamentally me that carries everything else on top.

(german version)

Du erinnerst mich an den Mond

(english version)

You remind me of the moon

At first sight, one might think you are miles and miles away. You seem so distant at first, it's frightening. However, if one takes the time and energy, and invests enough of both, they can see beyond that. 

Though you seem cold and lifeless at first, you are the source of so much light and movement. You are the great force that keeps my world spinning. And the only one that won't see that is you. Some people think you are bland and boring, poor them. They don't see you as I do. They don't invest the time and energy that I do. And they will never know how much joy I get in return. Seeing you makes my heart jump. But as high as my heart lanches when I see you, as deep it drops when you disappear. The first few times that you did disappear, I was still worried you wouldn't come back. Now I know that you never really leave. You are always with me.

You are not like the sun,  not blinding and irritating. You are there when needed. Not shining where there is already light. You purposefully live in the dark to illuminate where it's needed the most. It breaks my heart that people don't give you the recognition that you deserve. But maybe that's just me. You don't mind, do you? Because you are braver than all of them combined. For you, this is everyday life, for anybody else it would be soul-crushing.

The best part? Or more like the worst part is that you can't seem to see all the light you give people. Just because some shine brighter than you, doesn't mean that they are more important. You shine where it's more important. When you move, you move the world with you. You are indispensable. You are the moon.

(english version)

You remind me of the sea.

(german version)

Du erinnerst mich an das Meer.

ich weiß noch nicht genau wie das hier alles funktioniert aber wer nicht wagt der nicht gewinnt!

/