Holtz And Powell Marriage And Family Services LLC

     This blog entry discusses the aftermath of the 2016 Presidential Election. It is not a political article, rather, it is an examination of how this election has affected people emotionally and relationally as a whole. The effects of the election are felt regardless of where you fall in the political spectrum.  In my lifetime, I have never seen an election have such a profound impact on the people of this country. Typically, after an election, some people are happier than others.  What happened in 2016 was much more profound.  In my work as a therapist and an observer of societal patterns, I have noticed the following relational and emotional effects from the 2016 election:

·         --Changes in Relationships: This election has caused huge problems in relationships. People are cutting off from family and friends based on which side people fall on. Marriages are strained. Families are in conflict. The work place is tense. People are distancing themselves from certain friends or “unfriending” people on social media.  For some, the solidarity has brought some closer. But for the most part, this election has had a negative effect on relationships.  It is amazing that relationships have ended because of an election, but this election is very personal to many people. Personal enough that it is worth a relationship.

 ·         --Posttraumatic Stress Disorder Symptoms: I can’t tell you how many clients have reported nightmares, feeling on edge, panic attacks, fear of leaving the house, anxiety about the future, and paranoia. I have also seen some of these with family, friends, and coworkers. Children are even more susceptible to these symptoms if they see their parents or family members exhibiting these behaviors. Having these symptoms makes it difficult to carry out normal daily life and can interfere with work/school performance, care-giving, sleep, and overall daily functioning. When functioning is affected, stress increases which then exacerbates the original symptoms. It is a vicious cycle.

 ·         --Anger: Again, it does not matter where you fall on the political spectrum, there is a lot of anger floating around on all ends. Certain groups of people are especially angry and there have also been acts of violence and vandalism. Seeing these acts of violence and vandalism only fuels more anger. It is another vicious cycle. Anger is a very powerful feeling and can envelope people into a cloud of negativity, causing unhappiness. 

 ·        -- Depression: Speaking of a cloud of negativity, depression symptoms are also apparent and appear, in my perspective, to be rising. Many people are feeling hopeless about the division of the country and moving forward for the future. Some groups of people are in despair wondering how this election and its possible changes may directly affect them.  Other groups of people are feeling depression due to relational distress or feeling judged by others for various reasons.

 ·        -- Activation of Attachment Issues/Insecurities: Due to the increased relationship cut offs, it is not surprising that people are feeling a bit vulnerable in their relationships.  Attachment issues can create a lot of anxiety and stress and negatively affect relationships.  If a person is already struggling with insecurities/attachment issues, this election seems to have magnetized these issues.

       So now that we have reviewed all these effects, what do we do with them? There is no easy answer for this one. I have a few short tips which may be helpful to some people:

1.    Focus on the areas of your life that you enjoy and have control over. It is very easy to become consumed with the various areas that are out of ones’s control. By focusing on the areas of your life that you do have control over, you avoid being swallowed by the feeling of being out of control, which is very distressing. Examples of areas that you have control over include your reactions and behaviors, your day to day life, and personal decisions. 

2.    Engage in as many activities that you enjoy with as many people that you care about as possible. Stay in the present and make your life as enjoyable as possible to distract and compensate from the issues going on. 

3.    Share your experience and feelings with those around you that you trust. Talking with people you trust is very helpful and comforting, and it helps relieve emotional distress. 

4.    To salvage relationships, agree to avoid political discussions if you differ. Instead of cutting off relationships altogether, you can make attempts to continue relationships by avoiding talk of politics. 

5.    Avoid becoming obsessive with the news as it can increase already present anxiety, depression and PTSD symptoms. It is good to stay informed but too much information can exacerbate issues. 

6.    Focus on each day as it comes and work on not focusing too much on the future. One day at a time. This may sound cliche but in times of chaos, breaking down the days (or hours even) can make it feel less anxiety provoking and less chaotic. 

7.    Get involved in a healthy way if you feel it is helpful to you (ex: through an organization).

8.    Seek therapy if your symptoms are causing you major distress.

9.    Use all of your positive coping skills that you can on a daily basis. If you don’t have many, consider exploring this further. Some examples of positive coping skills can be music, art, exercise, etc. 

10. Try to see the beauty in everyday despite the chaos. Some examples include your child hugging you, your pet curling up on your lap, or the beauty of nature. 

          Many people have heard of the Quarter Life Crisis” or the “Mid Life Crisis”, but new research is highlighting a “30′s Life Crisis”. Adolescence appears to be extended now until as late as 25 due to societal changes, new discoveries in brain development and an increase in life expectancy. The “Quarter Life Crisis” appears to be less common and the “30′s Life Crisis” appears to be replacing it.  The “30′s Life  Crisis” is a transitional and adjustment period similar to the teenage years. It is being called the “Second Adolescence” for that reason.

               As a Marriage and Family Therapist I am always looking at patterns of behavior. I started to notice certain behaviors across clients/therapists I supervise, family/friends and lastly, me, who are in their thirties and feeling a surge of panic, uncertainty and fear about the present, past and future. It is a stage in life where you are not “old” but you don’t feel “young” either. People all the same age can be at various paths; single, single with children, married without children, married with children, divorced, divorced with children. Interestingly enough, the crisis hits all these paths with a series of similar feelings and behaviors.  Here are some things that seem to be happening.

·         You begin to worry you look “old”. You may stare at your face in the mirror or in pictures fixating on wrinkles. You notice a grey hair or two, or that you don’t fit in your clothes as well.  The thirties are far from old, but you begin to feel a loss of youth. This may send you running back into your adolescence. You may begin a rigorous fitness routine or train for a marathon. You may get a tattoo or pierce something.  You may find yourself going out more often and staying out later. The familiar insecure feelings of adolescence seem to creep back into your life and it is confusing and overwhelming.

·         You may question the decisions you have made and if you have done what you want to do with your life.  In your twenties, you are just getting started in adulthood. Many are in school throughout their twenties and are focused on the beginning stages of the real world. When you get to your thirties, you may start to question if you did enough when you were in your twenties. You may feel you missed out on traveling, exploring life or venturing into a new business prospect. You may question if you have had enough fun or challenged yourself enough.  Feelings of regret may consume your thoughts and cause anxiety or depression symptoms.

 ·         You may be struggling with your identity at work because you are not young in the work force but you still have thirty or so years to go. Many people in their thirties have supervisory roles making them feel older, but only about a decade or so worth of experience making them feel young compared to other coworkers. It is a complicated combination of “old” and “young”. This is also a time when people consider switching careers or question their future in the field they are in.

 ·         Relationship wise, there are a few things happening. Singles start to become anxious that they will never find a partner. Friends and family may put a lot of pressure on singles which only exacerbates the anxiety and fear that there is something wrong with them.  Dating in your thirties is stressful in itself as many people feel pressured to simply settle due to the belief that they are running out of time. Married people without children begin to stress about when the right time to start a family is and how that will affect their relationship and lifestyle. Married people/long-term partners with children are overwhelmed and often miss having more time for themselves to be free and able to entertain their inner teenager. Those in committed relationships wonder if and when they should get married. It can be very stressful and anxiety provoking.

 ·        You begin to get restless.  You start to develop new hobbies and interests to break the monotony and routine of adulthood. It is not uncommon for people in their thirties to suddenly become interested in an activity that he or she may never have considered in the past.  Many people have reported feeling “bored” with adulthood and explore different avenues of interest. You may also reconnect with old friends or family.   This is a positive aspect of the crisis usually. Some may engage in more negative activities, which typically causes more stress. 

      Most people are experiencing ALL of the above and that is creating a surge of emotions that can contribute to feeling a loss of control. There is also a continuum, where some people are mildly struggling while others are hanging on by a thread.

      Now that there is more understanding about this phenomenon, now what? Well, there are a few things that may help:

·- Realize you are not alone. The more people you talk to, the more you will discover that there are plenty of other people who are right there with you. It is comforting to know that the “crisis” is not abnormal and you are not losing your mind.

-  Understand that it will end at some point. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and this will not last forever.

-  Find healthy outlets for your emotions. It is very easy to slip into unhealthy behaviors and habits to distract from the intensity of emotions that you are experiencing. It is a good idea to find healthy ways of managing feelings and stress (ex: exercise, drawing etc).

- Seek support. Whether it is a friend, family member or a therapist, talk to someone about how you are feeling. The more you keep it inside, the worse you will feel and the worse you will function.

·- Embrace the uncertainty and reframe it as excitement. Look at all of the positives of your life and challenge any negative thoughts that flood your mind with more realistic thoughts.  Often during a “crisis” your mind goes to the worst-case scenario, which is typically not accurate.

-  Indulge a little. Let your inner teenager out, but within reason. If you don’t , you may feel even more stressed, which could lead you down a self-destructive path. You still need to carry out your adult responsibilities but you also need to allow yourself some space for fun and new experiences.  

 If you are really struggling, please seek therapy! This stage of development can be very difficult and you may need a little help. 

http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/the-third-life-crisis/1061459/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/20/turning-30-12-signs-youre_n_2724609.html?slideshow=true#gallery/282006/11

http://www.rochester.edu/pr/Review/V67N1/gazetteRVP.html

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/30/thirtysomethings_n_6219808.html

http://www.newyou.com/health/30s-life-crisis-is-a-real-thing/

http://www.spring.st/early-30s-life-crisis

The concept of “ghosting”, or people who suddenly disappear from your life without explanation, has come up in my sessions with clients, supervisions and with family and friends. I also have been ghosted before in my personal life and in my professional life.  I was inspired to write this after the various discussions I have had with other people who were the recipients of ghosting, as well as a few who have ghosted.  I have some insight on why this happens for both the person who gets ghosted and the person who ghosts. Additionally, I have provided some tips for both parties. This article does not address ghosting due to an abusive or unsafe situation or harassment/stalking. 

What is Happening to the Person Getting Ghosted

1. Utter Confusion: The person who has been ghosted is left confused about what happened. The longer and more emotionally intimate the relationship, the more confused the person becomes. The person has no idea what happened and is left guessing about what went wrong.

2. Feelings of Rejection/Activation of Attachment Issues: The confusion leads the person to feel rejected or abandoned. If the person has a history of issues of attachment such as unresolved grief, abandonment, or insecure attachments (mostly stemmed from childhood), he or she will experience those feelings again. The more unresolved attachment issues, the more the person will suffer emotionally. Issues of self-esteem may surface and depression or anxiety may occur or increase. 

3. Anger/Feeling Disrespected: The person who was ghosted likely will carry some anger. Many will feel disrespected. The abruptness of the ghosting and the lack of explanation leads people to feel like the relationship they had with the person who ghosted meant nothing to that person. This can be very hurtful, which often leads to anger. 

4. Lack of Closure: People who are ghosted feel a lack of closure. They are left wondering what happened and this can lead people to obsess or fixate on the relationship. Unanswered questions cause a lack of closure. Often people can’t move on without closure, so this leaves them in a state of limbo. 

What is Happening for the Ghoster?

1. Conflict Avoiders: People who ghost typically avoid conflict at all cost. They can’t tolerate the anxiety of addressing issues and find it easier to disappear. The thought of having to face someone and confront something is too anxiety provoking, and so they avoid. Sometimes a misunderstanding that could be resolved results in ghosting due to avoiding.

2. Unresolved Attachment Issues: People who ghost may have experienced a lot of loss or cut offs from others in their lives. It is a familiar way of relating which means it is repeated easily. If a person gets too close, or if they feel too attached, that may cause someone to run from that and ghost the person. Some people who ghost have been abandoned a lot in their past, and fear being hurt and abandoned again. Because of this, they ghost to avoid being the recipient of abandonment. 

3. Avoiding Hurting Others (in their eyes): Some people ghost to avoid saying “hurtful things” to another person. They do not want to be honest and hurt anyone’s feelings so they prefer to disappear. In the end, most people would prefer the honesty over the disappearing act. 

4, Poor Communication Skills: Some people who ghost typically have difficulty communicating in general and find it easier to disappear than to try. They struggle with what to say and how to say it, or with how they are feeling.

Tips for the Person Who Was Ghosted:

1. Focus on the relationships that you do have in your life. It is counterproductive to obsess on a relationship that is not contributing to your life in a positive way. 

2. Focus on your strengths and your goals: Ghosting can affect your self-esteem, and it is important to not allow your self-esteem to be dependent on the ghosting incident. Examine your strengths and focus on your goals. Spend time with those people in your life who think you are terrific. 

3. Stop Obsessing: Obsessing about what you may have said or done will not change the fact that this person disappeared from your life. Obsessing about the ending of the relationship leaves you in a state of anxiety and no closer to any answers. Try and distract yourself with hobbies or family/friends. Use meditation, deep breathing exercises or exercise to help manage stress and anxiety. Talking to others about your feelings or journaling can also be helpful.

4. Accept the lack of closure and that you may never know what happened: You may never know why someone suddenly disappeared from your life. It could be something about you, or nothing to do with you personally. Letting things go can be freeing. You can’t control the situation and sometimes you have to accept that there are things in life that are out of your control.

Tips for the Person Who Ghosted:

1. Examine how your actions affect others: Think about how your ghosting behavior could be negatively affecting another person. Put yourself in his/her shoes and imagine how it would feel if the ghosting happened to you.

2. Examine your own attachment issues: If you are a repeat offender of ghosting, consider where this behavior is coming from. Ghosting not only hurts the person you ghosted, but you as well. It is unhealthy to continue to cut off from relationships. Addressing and resolving attachment issues can help eliminate this behavior and lead to more stable and secure relationships.

3. Explore the positives of direct positive communication: Communication is often uncomfortable and difficult but positive communication has proven through research and clinical practice to enhance relationship duration and satisfaction. Pay attention to the positives of communication versus the negatives. It is never too late to address a conflict.

One of the most difficult things for humans ( and some animals) is loss. There are many ways that we experience loss including but not limited to :

-Loss of a loved one by passing away

-Loss of a pet

-Loss of a serious relationship/divorce

-Loss of abilities due to chronic illness or injury

-Miscarriage/Abortion

-Loss of a home or financial security

-Loss of a job/retirement 

-Loss of safety due to a significant trauma

There are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Most people cycle through them a few times before they sustain acceptance. Let’s look at the stages in detail.

Denial: This stage is when the brain is unable to fully process what is happening. We can’t fully believe that the situation is actually happening to us. We feel totally overwhelmed and sometimes numb. 

Anger: We become very angry that we are experiencing this loss.  We want to understand why this is happening and we look to  place blame. Often times we unleash our anger on those closest to us. It is important to feel the anger as it moves us closer to resolving our feelings about the loss. 

Bargaining: This stage involves us trying to make a temporary truce; ‘If  I devote my life to helping others, can I wake up from this bad dream?” There is a lot of “What ifs” and “If only” thoughts. Guilt usually occurs in this stage. It is a normal response to overwhelming helplessness and vulnerability. 

Depression: This stage involves profound sadness and isolation from others. There is a lot of negative thinking about ourselves and the future. We may lose interest in activities and people we used to enjoy. We retreat into ourselves and find it difficult to carry out day to day tasks and responsibilities. 

Acceptance: At this stage, we accept the situation for what it is. That does not mean that we are “OK” with the loss, rather, we are able to accept it and move forward in our lives. We may re enter activities and relationships that we isolated from. We feel better able to carry out our responsibilities and our negative feelings and outlook on life typically improves.  We may start to work towards goals and dreams that we put on hold during the grieving process. 

Having a Chronic Illness, especially one that is painful and requires a lot of lifestyle changes an be challenging. Those plagued by illness are especially susceptible to anxiety and depression related to managing the condition or conditions. You may also  go through a grieving process at the beginning, which is normal. but extremely emotionally draining.  Here are some real life tips for how to cope. 

1. Seek out Support: There are many online forums as well as in-person support groups where you can talk about your challenges, obtain ideas for coping better, and give and receive emotional support. Many of these groups post relevant articles as well as encouragement.  There are often doctors or dietitians who are a useful resources in these groups. There are a lot of Facebook as well as Healingwell.com.  In addition, reach out to your family and friends and educate them on your illnesses.

2. Self Care: You need to take care of yourself on an ongoing basis. This includes managing your illnesses as well as routine appointments for general well being. Try and find time to engage in activities you enjoy. Spend time with family and friends when you are able. Exercise if this is possible. Write in a journal, learn deep breathing. All of these things can help with mood and anxiety. 

3. Boundaries: Do NOT feel guilty about saying “No”. If you have a chronic condition, there are days where you are able to do normal things and there are days you can’t. While it is true that people without chronic illnesses often do not fully understand this, talking to your family and friends is important to help them to understand better. When you feel “ok”, try and reach out to family and friends. If you need to cancel, you need to cancel. Pushing yourself when you are unable to handle it can negative affect you for days or longer afterwards. 

4. Look into alternative therapies such as acupuncture, massage, yoga, meditation, chiropractor, or an Integrative Medical Doctor or Naturopath, if you are not getting anywhere with traditional medicine. 

5. Try to Focus on the Positive Parts of Your Life: You can’t allow your illness to be your whole identify.  Try and focus on the things you can do rather than the things you can not do. Pay attention to what you have instead of what you are missing. Focus on what you can control instead of what you can’t. 

6. Research and try and learn all you can about your condition. The more informed you are, the more you will feel in control and motivated. Your anxiety and depression may decrease once you feel less in the dark. When you go to your doctors, make sure you present the information and ask questions. This can help you feel proactive and productive in managing your illness. 

7. Seek Therapy: Therapy is an additional support and can help manage the emotions that accompany chronic illness. Therapy can help with lifestyle adjustments and the grieving process. Therapy can also help you  process feelings related to having to manage a chronic illness (or illnesses) while trying to live a “normal life”. 

Change of often scary and anxiety provoking. It can leave us feeling vulnerable, confused, stressed and overwhelmed. Even positive change can leave us feeling this way. Here are 5 tips to help ground yourself during change and/or transitions when you feel things are chaotic. 

1. Utilize your support system: Many of us do not want to feel like a burden on others, or are too proud to ask for help. But human beings are not wired to be able to handle everything on our own, this is why we have multiple relationships. Family, friends, even online support forums are all good supports. Use them!

2. Recognize that the feelings produced by change are temporary and will not last forever. Eventually you will adjust to the changes and those feelings will dissipate. 

3. Use positive coping skills:  Exercise, spending time with family/friends, getting into a hobby, music and the list continues are all positive ways to deal with the feelings associated with change. Explore your interests and be consistent in using these positive coping skills. 

4. Keep yourself in a routine or a schedule: Sticking to a routine as much as possible will give you some sense of normalcy. It will help you feel some sort of control in your life, as change can produce feelings of being out of control. 

5. Keep the negative thinking/what ifs to a minimum: Focus on the positives that can result from the change. Even “bad” change can lead to personal growth or new positive endeavors. Focusing on the positive aspects of yourself and your life is also a good way to cope with the “fear of the unknown” that can result from change. 

Self-Esteem is something that many people struggle to maintain. Having self-esteem means that you value yourself and have confidence in your abilities. Healthy self-esteem means that you acknowledge you have flaws but you put more value on your strengths. Here are some tidbits about self-esteem:

1. You can’t depend on others to give you self esteem. It has to come from within.  Depending on others is dangerous and leaves you dependent on others for your self worth. Focus on what you do well and use those strengths to help define yourself. Value those positives more than the negatives.  

2. Many people who have problems with self-esteem did not get much positive feedback about themselves as children. It is important as parents to encourage children and give them positive feedback, however, they also need to be held accountable for their behavior. 

3. Try not to compare yourself to others. Everyone’s path is different. There is always someone better than you or in a better situation than you are in. You have to compare yourself to yourself. A sure way to feel bad about yourself is to measure yourself against someone else. 

4. Have realistic expectations. One of the sure ways to have bad self esteem is to set unrealistic expectations or goals that set you up for failure. Set attainable goals for yourself to promote success. 

Stress is unavoidable in our daily lives. It can cause problems in our ability to function and may affect us physically. Today's short blog gives some quick tips on managing stress. 

 1. Let go of things you can't control and focus on what you can control. Many things in life come up that we have no control over. If we fixate on them, our stress level increases and causes a significant amount of distress. Focus on what you can change rather than what you can't. 

 2. Identify your support system. We all need a little support but a lot of people try and go about life alone. Utilize the supports you do have in your life such as spouse/partner, friends, family, groups, co workers, teammates etc. You may be surprised that your stress level decreases just by reaching out.

 3. Engage in positive hobbies. Doing what we enjoy can help decrease stress. Whether it's exercise, writing, reading, art etc., having enjoyment in our lives is important. Many people say they don't have time. Make time for it and look at it as a necessity not a luxury. 

 4. Have a good work-life balance. I know this one is hard, but if you do not have a balance you will be chronically stressed. It may be difficult to figure out but it is important. Figure out what is needed to make this happen and start working towards it.

 5. Pay attention to what is going right versus fixating on what is going wrong. People who are always negative are never happy and are chronically stressed. Look at the positives in your life and value them.

 6. Breathing exercises can be helpful. Breathe in for 5 seconds, hold for 5 seconds and breathe out for 5 seconds. Do this several times a day. It literally takes seconds! It helps to calm and relax your brain.

Codependency is a problem we see often in therapy. What is codependency? Codependency occurs when a person neglects his/her own needs and fixates on “fixing” or “managing” another person, It is an inappropriate parent-child relationship between two adults. It can also be an inappropriate parent-child relationship where there is a  child who is the parent instead of the other way around. This relationship dynamic is very unhealthy, for all involved. The codependent person continues to avoid his/her own needs and enables the dependent person to continue to avoid taking care of himself/herself. This inhibits independence and growth for both people in the dynamic. 

Codependent people are rescuers. They aim to fix other people that need them and become consumed with others’ issues.  Codependent people and dependent people often come from families with significant abuse, addiction or severe mental health issues. Boundaries are poor and members unconsciously learn this unhealthy relationship dynamic. Problems are often not addressed, and people are not held accountable for their actions. They continue this learned dynamic from the family with outside relationships, and perpetuate the dynamic for future generations. 

Codependent people typically feel used and taken for granted. They wonder why people are not there for them the way they are for others. The reason for this is that they seek out other people that are in need of “fixing” and then expect a reciprocal relationship. Codependent people often struggle with low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, control issues, trust issues, and emotional expression. They have difficulty saying “no” and often feel compelled to do things they do not want to do. They often feel guilty for meeting their own needs or for setting a boundary (which they typically do not keep). 

We believe the root of codependency lies in the insecure and unstable family attachments. People who are codependent appear to have insecure attachments and fears of abandonment.  Because of this, they seek out people who need them or make them feel important in efforts to avoid being abandoned. Insecure attachments are found in families with the above issues of abuse, addiction and severe mental health problems. These families often do not emotionally nurture the children and/or do not provide an appropriate structure for them, leading to insecure, or disrupted, attachments. 

The following are tips that may help you if you feel you are codependent or dependent:

1. Self Care: Learn to take care of yourself. Identify what that means for you and stick to it. Make yourself a priority. 

2. Stop Enabling: People do not change unless they have reason to do so. Setting limits with other people forces them to take responsibility for their own lives and make changes. People need to accept consequences in order to change, and enabling prevents this from happening. Stop doing things for people that they are capable of doing for themselves. 

3.Set appropriate Boundaries: This means with your own children, family, friends and others. For more on boundaries, please refer to the previous Blog entry. 

4. Note the Difference Between Giving Support and “Fixing”: You want to be able to help others, but there is a difference between listening and offering emotional support and swooping in to the rescue. 

5. Work and Develop Your Self-Esteem: Allow yourself to feel and to be who you are. If you do not know who you are, work on figuring that out. Set goals, reflect on your strengths and the areas you want to improve. 

6. Help Others Through More Productive Ways: Use your need to help in constructive ways such as volunteering for a women’s shelter or becoming a social worker or a counselor, for example. 

7. Examine the Patterns in Your Family: Take an honest look into your family and how members interact and set boundaries as needed. Take time to understand the generations  of this behavior and work to not pass this along to another generation. 

8. Use Assertive Communication (I feel statements, validation of the other person, eye contact, calm voice, willing to problem solve) Versus Passive Aggressive or Aggressive Communication. Examples: Passive Communication: Intentional mistakes, disguising criticism as compliments, silent treatment Aggressive Communication: Yelling, blaming, coercing, threatening to end the relationship.